Cleanse The Old

 

the unknowing hinter states of mind

i only went to bed three and thirty four minutes and hours ago

but yet in that short time, was so far and deep in sleep

and dreaming travelling what i do not know

but did jump out of bed and went to my window as if mark was there calling me. opened the blinds, pushed back the canvas and stared out into the dark as if not seeing, seeing, blind, past seeing . it was weird/ all seconds but those seconds were like a long time in another dimension.

then i woke again just now and i too was somewhere else. my emotions it seems. took a bathroom run. but cant go back to sleep the thoughts on memories, the past year, the experiences, all hallmarked.

so i started writing a post. so apt . end of year. assessments.

i would have to say it has been all about my vehicle and males

i write a lot about males in trinidad and the black men, some of them. perhaps even more think i am a hater. i am not. i am just a truth speaker

but what is amusing and deep to me today and the close of this year, and yeah, i know the year is all of just our construction and making, it is all another cycle of the sun, moon and planets...but...i close this year realizing how fucking trifling all males are.

imagine for me to try and sell my car and some chinese trini comes, elling me he has four others of mine, that he cant do me that my car is worth far more . offers to fix it, we would make some arrangement. everyone was mad at me that i was honest to tell him, ;look i have no money' so i do not want to appear as if i am setting you up but we will make arrangements, you can keep the car if I dont have money by the time. the man promises. says how he is so much good people. had my good friend neal laughing and at me in derision, he asking me 'why would he help me>?: why would paul ou wan hing help me in deed. to his protestations and insistence that he will has resulted in him stopping to respond to my written message. my last was, look, i got some money, $1K more than the price he quoted me to do everything i wanted. just this week, asking if he can tell me what has gone on with him so i can respond appropriately, and we can move on. I so did not want another year to roll around with dead energy upon me. man reading not answering. when i tell you these men in trinidad mad no ass. i dont know if they sick. mentally off, it is just so bizarre for me. cause they does come up with offers you did not ask or seek, did not propose...only for them to act as if it never happened, ignore you when you try to follow through on your side of the bargain, and I have to rack my brain to try and figure out some logic behind the madness knowing damn well there is no sense and no character to find there. it must be some mack going on that fell through with them. had to be. cause as decent human beings you would say something, communicate. make your case plain, close a session, moving on

so that is my chinese trini male. who would have thought>

then coming down to the last of the year, my luck, call and cards pull up again, another male, this time indian. he makes offers for me on the car. to lend me the money to fix the car, i sell it and give it back to him. another offer, not sought, not danced, not entertained by me, not conjured by me, nothing, just presented. i thought cool. i thought it safe. we were in a nest and network i would thing, a businessman of some note, and a mutual friend who i would think would lend him some credibility. well look my crosses. i am a woman i dont ask fuckers for shit. so when they dont show up on favors proffered, me eh have nutten to say, imagine me wiping my mouth like them old women used to do when they gossiping. my grandmother used to do it when she retelling a story and cant imagine a scenario. yeah. that. so i have not said a word. that character too, wrote again apologizing for delay and stating it will get done. papa. nothing . nada. a lal. dragnathsingh

so i close out this year wanting to tell my trini gentlemen folk, it is not just one ethnicity of you. i mean my god, black men would not even offer those scenarios. none of them I know anyway. but the ones that do, this is what it has landed and ended too. so you not alone in your triflingness. there is much and only company. it might be a cultural heritage

and for that, that is where i woke up this morning and could not go back to sleep.. i was wondering if lloyd best ever entreatised on to writing about the character and personal makeup of local personas. the way he expounds on like the black pnm, or so or as it was in his day, I wish he was around today for him to see how many indians and nonblack africans are in that party, i wonder if he would get to the same conclusion i see in the future. but the way he can characterize the pnm, I wonder had he ever given thought to characterize the individual . the shoddiness, the lack of word and honor, the lack of integrity, the empty promises,

i write that and i think of a uwi academic i saw at my cousin's make a video lime a few weeks ago. i had met him when he was writing for manning. and even then tried to give him my cv to pass on. i knew that man did no such thing back then. this time to meet him, recognized my face, and thought I was one of his old students. we talked, he remembered me well. he remembered critical parts of my background. he asked for my contacts again, he mentioned various things he could put me onto. he even mentioned one black organization I had spoken to and with years ago, they had me come and make a presentation on farming. I did not know at the time, but it was his organization he spearheaded he says, and remembers my presence there even though he did not speak to me...anyway...all that to say. same thing. man promised to write, to link professionally to see what might happen this rounds. I have not heard from him. and i know in my being it was because he felt he was making some kind of social connection when he saw me. i was neither interested nor engaging beyond the basic. so i guess he felt he had nothing to get, so i have not heard from him.. it is a pattern.

doors doors and endless doors and windows that were never leading anywhere

the irony. seems my long time friend is mad

for what i dont know. he is the one who shared a saying with me. ebmc.

every body mudder cunt. he is the one who told me all of his friends are assholes. every last single one of his friends have tried to mack on me. i do mean every single one of them. but just like i was not interested in him, i was not interested in them either. ebmc. fuckers dont have shit for me. and aint about shit except racking notches, even in this late stage of life and the game. these are grown men eh, not the younger or middle set.

like he vex cause of his cunt friends, which i have always informed him when it happened. why do i share that? to show you the treachery called friendship here and to them it matters not. that is just how it is. ebmc and we still drink a rum and a puncha creama laurel

so boys. take a bow. is one line and string of cowardice, curs, skin teeth of burs / no difference between any of you.

and all i am wondering is all the ways I wish to clear space for 2016

even as i enter, prospects to hack this life, waiting to see when and if they crack ...or if it was more of the same masturbation

have a nice one

and is a love?