Thinking Woman: "Always Enjoy Life Who Knows What Tomorrow Brings"

 

William S. Carter' Woman Thinking

Hey Carlene. 

How life flips on a dime.  

I did something stupid last night and ended up hurting myself. not badly but i am not flying like yesterday, nor is it easy to walk with a sprained big toe, and a knee out of alignment. 

ask me no stories so i dont have to tell you the story. just that i was very foolish so i wont be walking to the bank BUT< i did learn tomorrow is a national holiday? Did you put JP on alert? Do you think he can come up tomorrow? Then when I realize he has to come and get the bank receipt anyway, I am thinking just give him the money. And i have the original receipt he made me sign, so perhaps he can sign off on that same receipt.. Does this work?.

Ooops..be careful. I will tell him. That will be fine about the receipt. Mourning the sudden death of a friend

 

so much of that is going around. my condolences.

Thanks. Always enjoy life, who know what tomorrow brings

 

yeah. i got hit last night by my lover, and feeling quite confused. first of all it was my fault, cause I hit him first, playfully, we werent fighting or anything and he tripped. then i continued to make a series of errors. followed him as he left, i went to apologize but ended up smacking his head he hit me back after swinging and missing one .

i hit the ground, scratched a bracelet, scrubbed my elbow , sprained my left toe, and knee. It was completely my own idiocy , fault.

I dont know what i was thinking> this guy is a strongy, not one someone would think to lift their hand to It makes me think, something is wrong with me. 

There have been times in my life that i did things that made no sense and left me asking who was that? who was that that did that? 

 I also realize how lucky i am cause he could have really gone off and beat me up . I never knew he was like that he even said once "I was lucky he is not a person to raise his hand" once when I was playing with him struggling with a gate but he wasnt playing

 It is a weird feeling, I now know what it is about violence in a relationship. all my life I never dealt with that. i had a boyfriend once who tried to collar me and pushed me on a sofa and i flew up and pushed him back. but never anyone to swing at me I am shocked at his ease to do so And my feelings are mixed which confuses me and makes me feel numb. It was my fault so I cant have the anger I would think. I feel a loss of innocence; and just some weird sadness that is a numb regret. 

and what is deep the back of my head is hurting me. 

I really got my alignment jolted. I thought to go and get some reiki but I dont think there is anyone here who is good at it like my guy in michigan 

 I am writing . i decided to tell you to see if it would be some kind of release I also feel shame. I realize when this happens, both parties feel shame; I saw it. I heard it. After he hit me he said, "I told you I not good; i been trying to tell you that. I is a criminal. The things I would do to you" I just told him i thought you were good. and nothing good will ever come to you , trust that" 

But it is the inability for the day after for me to be normal. I am limping. my left elbow is tied up because the scrape though clean and washed is oozing blood

 You would think the older you get one would be better at handling life and situations but seem like I am the opposite .

The other thing that disturbs me is that Carlene I knew and used to say trini men are dangerous and violent stay away from them. And like from since 2009 it appears i have gone on a mission to prove this. sometimes 

I do think there is a demon about me, within, seem like it is intent on wreaking havoc and creating experiences for me to live through as if some kind of gauntlet and requirement. It is a bit discomfiting i wish i could just shake it off and move on, but i cant even say why I feel i am just as crazy as everyone else. this situation was and is mad. makes no sense 

Sorry to share all that ugliness. 

Help me alchemize it 

Somehow I was surprised to hear how much Mark does not like himself. and really he was talking to me about that all evening.. He says he is bipolar, and i can tell he is tortured by it. I could be wrong but he also told me for the first time that he real likes me and I got the sense that he likes me but seeing me and my family and how we appear to be and live he is not comfortable being with me, exposing 'his shit' to my life . it was like he was saying it cant happen. I dont belong there. I am not worthy of that. I am damaged. and I felt bad for him. He feels too he cant manage his condition, and I know there are ways. but I am sure no one is around him helping him But...it is bizarre.

that whole damage thing;

I think i must be too
and getting more so every day

and with injuries like a hurting head, what else would that be. but just that.

Funny thing too the stars alignment talked of this being a period of things ending and the truth of matters coming forward.

 I think i feel traumatized..

i think it was bad but for some reason I dont know it or feel it actually and only now sensing how bad it was, in hindsight i think he must have really whacked me in the head, and seem i remember him pulling my locs. I guess that is what you call rage from nowhere. I dont know 

Trying to make sense of craziness. Especially my own 

 I remember too my mother's old friend, and I was present when she mentioned or my cousin told me that they went to a fete, she met this guy, went with him for sex, and the guy beat her up. badly! and she had to hide it from her husband. I never forgot that story; One of the many that told me to beware 

I also now realize and know that once you get touched, it changes who you are. I now know that 

Also realizing that you can talk about anything horrible sounding, but living it is a totally different kettle of fish.. i realized the distance of violence from me and my life...from before...and experiencing it now.

I also decided to tell you after you wrote what you did: "Always enjoy life who knows what tomorrow brings" and i thought yes, but too that enjoying life can also bring you trouble. I was with this guy for that reason, trying to just enjoy life as it comes and shows up. And you know, we would have been together for a year now. on the 25th of this month.

I wish i could wash this from my energy field, mind and body but not so. you know being hit in my head was a trip too ...i discovered in 2013 that i have a brain infarction ...a small blood clot that nothing can be done about....and now feeling the hurt in the back of my head...makes me wonder how things can be effected or compacted upon/ I could drop dead too, i have known that since, and told very few people. just told my mom a few weeks ago.

Anyway, i think i am writing to write. Sorry There are no accidents and why do i sabotage myself as I do?

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I reposted this inbox conversation and as I left it a truth hit me. I am not that crazy. I did not act out for no reason.

I was being sexually bullied, if not receiving unfair, heavy handed , one sided engagement

and I acted out
same madness
just not as without reason as I betrayed.

there is a lot of ugly we put up with, cause it is not very blatant
=================


then i reread to insert spaces and make sure it is not as disjointed as it feels, and at one point i felt the need to be washed clean as in famous Jesus folklore...being washed in a river, like i did in israel

being cleansed

and i felt a palpable vision of the need for both mark and i to be so washed and cleansed and made whole again..

and i remember. =
last night to his friend, he spoke of wanting to find a church, to tell his soul and sins.

I heard him but had no thought nor reflection or comment. but now it becomes significant prescient.

actually i did give a response, i told him to come to my church. i want to have a church, to heal people and teach them how to live


then an hour later when we were in bed on our way to our precipice, he told me i was a muslim


and he asked me while we showered if i was a baptist, orisa, he thinks i do obeah.


all the pieces of a thinking woman
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ongoing communication

Girl that is a lot So sorry about what happened. My dear when it comes to hitting there are no grey areas..it's black and white. .he hit you, you walk. Even if you provoked the hit. It's says a lot about him, you eh no therapist. .walk away

Meant grey areas. No grey areas when it comes to hitting

 

i agree. it is done. all of that is why i say my behavior was mad. You never hit anyone. never ever. Never hit a man, cause this. you dont know how he might respond.. i really thought he was the type to not raise his hand. 

but see that crazy shit, somehow I thought it was okay to do. Just mad crazy shit. Anyway, i am glad i wrote. made a blog post. sigh

Okay sis, take it easy, doh let no man be the death of you

 

just holding my self to task is all. i did mess up.

 

Hmmmm that's what battered women say

 


wow. told you i talked of being damaged

 you know i am feeling I am so done with men for awhile. before this happened i was felling that...that i was losing interest to keep trying

now the battered women comment spurs... a lot to check and correct moving forward.

Damage is more than a notion

Dont give up there are good men out there

i got to get right first. think i still living generational curses. my mother was a battered woman. think i told you that

 

No I didn't know that. What do u mean by get right?

 

i think my willingness to be with Mark proves i am not right. some things are off get good so i attract same. i used to think you cant attract anything but what exists, and i had made the decision to take what i could get, having done without for so many years. but that not right thinking..and just seeing my behavior in this case, last night..tells me plenty.

i think what i feel is depression now too. from the heights i was at if you can realize/believe

i also dont listen to my spirit. i had stopped hanging out being out. had i stayed home last night as well...that too

I understand. Where r u meeting these guys?

 

in my neighborhood 

Dam girl!

 

 you know for all my life i thought i was so much better than most, women, especially. and like life in trinidad has been a long decathalon to show me I am not

[Game of Thrones editor killed by a lioness on a safari while organizing anti poaching efforts] 


 

But girl that eh mean you have to hang out in the hood. Eh no good come out if it so far. Yes you are better cause you know better.

 

with no car and money... 

And look, i met Chase in town, in a meeting to talk business.... 

 i just took a shower. smoked some cigarettes. i feel a bit better. I will shake this off. I wont wallow.

 thanks for bearing a witness to my soul.

No problem my dear. Just remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let no man lower than you make you feel lower

Than them

 

yeah. that is an interesting thing eh i shall remember

Please do sis

 

nods...i will. i will get it together

I know

 

Carlene!! Look how blessed I am always despite my experiences. 

 i can tag you on the post to show you what i wrote. and eddie is the guy who say he going to just such a person in the morning..

and he explains me this: "like acupressure, give what you can, sometimes I don't have any money, but most times a blue - you lie on a massage table and he presses, not massage, into points on the body - it's not a cure all scenario, nor is he an educated man, simple guy who's been doing this for some years, 'straightening people out"

this is what i shared back so he knows under what spirit he moving: "oh my eddie, this is so perfect. i hesitate to tell you, why but my god you are like a godsend. I got into some violence last night, with my lover and wish to have my energy cleansed and cleared> yeah. that. me.

say a prayer on your head for seeing my post. for responding. for sharing your hand and for choosing to allow me to tag along. See the weight of it all by need!"

peculiar, eh?

That's interesting. I guess things fall in place without our help

give thanks. i am very grateful for this godsend and opportunity

==============

Michael M Law:

"I have not dated a big woman in a while because the last one I dated 5 Years ago almost killed me. I told her it was over and she told me she was getting in a cab in the rain, I thought she was joking. within 15 minutes, I heard the door bell rings. I thought it was Jesus. I opened that door and oh boy; i got my ass whoop with some mike Tyson Combos. I wanted to fight back but this girl is big and she is 6 ft 1 and if I hit her back, not only she would not feel it but that would only get her more mad and I would be found dead. I just took those punches to the head and waiting for Jesus to help, there was no white Jesus coming to save my black ass. Thankfully she finally stopped and left me with nots in my head and I had to chase her down the street to beg her in the rain to get in the car so she would not be out there late in the rain. I still love her, she had my back when I didn't have a pot to piss in. I will never forget that beatdown. Big women are no joke. They may be sweet but when they are mad, it can be fetal**."
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Shaman Angels, Energy Healers & Truth Warriors - The Lightworkers Journey

"This Mercury Retrograde has been a record-breaking doozy, and you may have experienced some harsh misunderstandings or drama. The beautiful blessing is that these experiences also are mirrors to help us recognize and finally overcome recurring negative patterns.

That's where your card today comes in, urging you to spend quiet time alone, reflecting on any choices that you made that might have been against your inner guidance
Mercury goes direct on Thursday (with a bit of a shadow period afterward), so right now you have an opportunity to completely eliminate negative patterns that have been magnified by Mercury's influence

Sometimes, we need to hit bottom pretty hard in order to become aware that there IS a better way. So, spending time in self reflection is an investment that will pay off greatly forever"