I thought i was living a singular trial and dark tunnel. Turns out, I am reading, many black women are in the "same boat". I seriously wonder that, despite that being what they comment, post and share. I have not interrogated. Be that as it may, I thought there was some value that there are others struggling, seeming as if there life is in standstill.
Then, seemingly coincidentally, in one day, there are three independent conversations I am having with three different sets of people, only for it to be one fabric, of three threads, into one story, one reality,. one picture...
I post to document my own path and journey; but also for posterity
I> Still Struggling....
Then, seemingly coincidentally, in one day, there are three independent conversations I am having with three different sets of people, only for it to be one fabric, of three threads, into one story, one reality,. one picture...
I post to document my own path and journey; but also for posterity
Sista Sasy lying to my mom about my sneakers i left in the school locker
she suffered from major depression so i ended up taking care of her by MANY lies about where my clothes were (so she wouldn't worry over the fact that they were not where she could see them) so i grew up lying about gym-suits, sneakers, loafers the general whereabouts of my clothing so she wouldn't go on a HOUSE HUNT - how's that??
Kathleen Wells I think my inauthentic thing pertains to my Dad.
Maven Huggins
your question makes me ponder if my whole life and pursuits were inauthentic? when people see me as the complete embodiment of authenticity...but i see no other earthly reason for the wall and stagnation of my life, despite so much skill, talent, abilities, a phd and world travel; no love and men even, robbed of land and homes, a few times.. I feel i am living a riddle.
a nasty trick, if i werent so sanguine and spiritual about the whole thing...the flip side..i am 47 look 28. i am healthy and when people see me, they are shocked i am "so beautiful":
more rhyme for the riddle.
i never once thought of this before...and i did see you post about unauthenticate yesterday...the possibility did not hit me then
#me, clutchingstrawsforanswers
Kathleen Wells Maven, you are not alone -- I think many sistas are facing this exact situation. We must stick together and give each other support, I believe.
Kathleen Wells It's the society -- it degrades black women, and puts a premium on white -- period. Nonetheless, there is hope, if there is awareness on your part. You can recognize what's being done and just plod along and eventually something will open up for you.
For me, it is important to remain authentic and grateful, as possible. And I don't have any particular/specific expectations, at this point.
Kathleen Wells I'm grateful for FB because it does allow social interaction where one would not have it.
Listen, you can't get more authentic than me, I believe, right? Yet, I have folks calling me out for this, that and the other, right. A guy yesterday on FB said I must not like black woman who don't have my education -- you see the ignorance. Fools. Clueless. Time wasters.
Ramona Parks Maven, you are not alone!!! I am pondering on the question as well, inauthentic vs. authentic. I am a walking enigma, it's not important how people see me, but how I see myself. My life is a riddle and i'm trying to figure it out. Although looking at it from the outside, its well put together.
Kathleen Wells And another thing that makes you authenticate, Maven is that you are willing to go there and make the inquiry. Most folks can't even go there -- don't ever go there and continue to walk through life as zombies. They lack depth and are shallow.
Kathleen Wells And I say the same to you, Ramona. Most folks don't even ask the question. What are they doing -- pretenders.
Roni Jones Well, I am a black woman who does not have your education and I always feel the love when ever you are around me.
- Kathleen Wells This white guy said that to me. Always some white guy telling a black woman what it's all about.
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Kathleen Wells This thread feels like a Joan Armatrading song -- she is so authentic to me. Her songs resonate truth for me.
- Maven Huggins I am pondering this thread...
I love the Joan Armatrading reference.
I ponder wondering, should a fb page be created, and called what? Still Struggling to Survive...?
How do we create a support group
I wonder if we really are living the same story...I am unemployed. with nothing. Nothing I attempt works. When I write life submerged, stalled and at a wall, i am not writing in metaphor
I then wonder, should this be a book>? I have two essays in two separate book collections, one on Obama, one on Illiteracy...
should we do a book of our individual stories...
Struggles in Authentic Explorations:
Black Wombmyn Writing Their Personal Lives in 2012
~ What do you think
I am deeply grateful for the collective, not that we are struggling but that I am not alone when in my sphere of life, spanning all continents, family, networks, I Am. ;!
- Francisco J. Acosta
I'm so impressed by the honesty in the responses to your question, Kathleen. Brava to Maven Huggins for being so brave and open. According to a TED Talk I heard last weekend, there have been roughly 106,000,000,000 people who have walked the earth. I can assure you that not one of them had the same life. Like Madonna sang, "Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone." And Shakespeare said (through the character Polonius) "This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Authenticity is everything and what a strive for constantly. Even when I'm way off the mark, I know that it's my heart's desire to get to that state of grace.
- Kathleen Wells When we live in a society that gives air time to Sarah Palin slamming Michelle Obama, we know that there is a white card and most folks, either consciously or unconsciously, embrace that card everyday.
Kathleen Wells Yes, it takes courage to speak the truth and Maven is brave/courageous.
Kathleen Wells Most folks I talk to speak their truth, otherwise, I have no use for hogwash, BS -- life's too short.
Maven Huggins you mention Michelle Obama Kathleen and the connection is not lost on me, and i notice that no one has mentioned it, for sure because they are all asleep...her onslaught and attacks...is nothing but...black woman under epistemic violence
I appreciate the embrace from all, Francisco/thanks!
II> "Epistemic Violence"fhcregistration.wufoo.com
- David Simmons for details on the book: http://
www.barnesandnoble.com/w/ modernizing-medicine-in-zim babwe-david-s-simmons/ 1102407028
www.barnesandnoble.com
Available in: Hardcover. As subSaharan Africa continues to confront the runaway ...See more
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Maven Huggins send me something about what your book is about? medicine? you into medicine? know i fantasize about going to med school...to be a naturopath of a kind --to do my natural healing thing but with the knowledge to credentials.
wanted to go to Cuba for free but they changed their protocol. now you have to be young and poor. and well...I dont fit either..
so very interested to hear/learn
David Simmons @maven, there's a description of the book on the above link. i have a friend who's a naturopath -- great career move. i say go for it.\
Maven Huggins on and off, amounting to about two years between 1990- 1994
Congratulations too. I am remiss...
Maven Huggins no. but i met and connected with a lot of folk there..was working with NGOs...i started out with National Council of Negro Women and went onto ZIDS, ENDA, etc.
- David Simmons you were there as HIV/AIDS was reaching its height, esap, and general spiral downward.
Maven Huggins
yes yes yes I was...many friends fell. Tsitisi -(prevera) -as soon as I go to say her last name it leaves me and goes spanish...she was a tv presenter..her lover, who was the brother of the sheraton manager..Musikavanu...plenty people. PLENTY..secretary in my office after i left..there was a brother at MSU who fell..in my dept of Ag Econ. sad I dont remember his name..but I remember watching him walk up the steps to the library and seeing him through the glass. frightening..he was skin and bones...i see his face clearly...cant remember his name.
Zimbabwe is a peculiar place in my herstory...
between my personal life, AIDS in the country, living down the road from Robert Mugabe on 3rd and Tongogara..and people being shot if you drove, walked or rode in front of his house after 6pm, land reform, learning about women warriors in the fight to liberation, being there when the country's independence was a mere 10years old, being cussed out in the street cause folk thought I was Zim, address me in Shona and when I answer think I am being funny...where the country was at that time in 1990, and how it has deteriorated in the meaning/intervening years...has been quite deep...beyond words in a weird way...i feel, recounting it all now, that i should write about it, but that is why it is so peculiar...ever live something but you dont know enough to even understand, interpret or give it any justice...but it was profound nevertheless? well yea. that...
David Simmons yes, i know exactly what you're talking about. i write about that sense of peculiarity in the intro of the book, of feeling like there was so much that i felt i was only partially understanding. so much greed and meanness and corruption and, at the same time, so many stories of selflessness and survival and healing and hope-building. it was and is a very complicated reality.
Maven Huggins
now i am curious about your book, because what I know is that the traditional healers may very well be part of the problem, but it has been years that i have given that thought...am i wrong? wild wild wild...when i think of men who rape babies in the idea that they will be cured...drinking all kind of mixtures.. wow. I am and have been away from it..I do now wonder of the statistics. I do know that no where is as ravished than as Southern Africa, and Zim was one of the earlies, even before or with Uganda...ha. need to call down some serious power...
I remember another common cause of its spread was powerful rich men and their women they escorted or entertained...in all the beer gardens, something I miss much, the beer gardens>
aye. Life eh...the place of enjoyment and memories is the spot of much death and perversity...
piripiri brai, music, dance, smokes, people and sex
Maven Huggins just by accident or synchronicity, the questions of your book are the exact reason I want to go to medical school even as I wish to be a natural healer...to know the science and not be doing crosscience
Maven Huggins i often wonder what Zim is like now, and what life would be like for "an expat" it was wild being on the edges or fence of indigenous, expats usually white, though i hooked in with a trini family, ...being neither in or out either
- David Simmons
ah yes. pleasure and death...that could've been the title of the book, too. healers have been implicated as part of the problem...in the media, by well-meaning western or western-trained researchers who have an axe to grind with African traditional medicine. what I found was quite different: a collapsing formal healthcare system that people could not easily access nor had much confidence in. i saw people doing the best the best they could in a very resource-poor setting, where access to translocally produced medicines out of the reach of most. the hundreds of healers i worked with were making great strides in ameliorating the suffering of their patients.
Maven Huggins all the more reason for me to read your work; I get an idea for a need--a text that correlates./examines/explore the western media's assessment of african medicine to AIDS, the treatments, ingredients, its targets, effects, and how it is matched to western meds and protocols to hiv'/aids...
that work would highlight what natural remedies exist..
- David Simmons @maven, i talk about the framing of africans in early media coverage of the pandemic and to some extent the pathologization of African traditional medicine by westerners, but it would be interesting to look specifically at media's framing of African medicine.
Maven Huggins
but i am also trying to focus on comparing medicines, treatments, protocols and effectiveness on patients and to do so qualitatively...
fascinating work indeed...
you know there is a great described medical program at Case Western to do public science and research...this kind of project would qualify...if only i can get a sponsor, donor, patron for my medical studies and then to fund my philanthropy...that is not too much to ask is it...and then publications.. ;- David Simmons
@maven, a qualitative approach to comparing those issues would be very interesting. i imagine it would have to rely on self-reported efficacy (or lack thereof) from the perspective of patients and practitioners. but i still like the media angle --it'd be easy enough to do content analyses of, say, US/European news media covering african traditional medicine and compare/contrast with African media coverage of the same. the term i use my book to talk about this negative framing is "epistemic violence" which gets at how biomedical orthodoxy/ideology devalues other therapeutic practices, in essence casting them as backward, pre-modern, and in need of some kind of intervention.
- Kimberly Russell
"epistemic violence" -- love it! it is interesting how the negative framing is somehow believed to be beyond a cultural relativity... as if western media is believed by westerners to not present a cultural perspective in itself... i used to get into debates about how media lends itself to the cultural lens and perpetuation of dominance and colonization with journalists (when i was once an aspiring journalist many moons ago - lol) ... there is no objectivity in media coverage in essence... that is nonsense, and this devaluing of other perspectives is violent and dangerous....
- David Simmons
@kimberly, and it's not only something that happens in the media (i was a journalist, too, before going to grad school) -- it's institutionalized in other areas like our schools, our courts, etc. a former professor of mine (a radical black feminist sociologist) talked about the intellectual assault she felt under while attending grad school -- that there was this institutionalized devaluation of who she was and what she knew. this is epistemic violence.
Maven Huggins "epistemic violence"
that phrase hits me hard this morning...as I am on another stream right now..with other black women...talking about...
"Maven, you are not alone -- I think many sistas are facing this exact situation. We must stick together and give each other support, I believe.... It's the society** -- it degrades black women, and puts a premium on white -- period."
now mind you, i get stuck in two ways: one, if we really are living the same experience...and two, "society" written as one, when in fact, I am living in a different one...yet, how do we confirm this is one holistic systemic program/pogrom running
bizarre a thousand times, nevertheless, "epistemic violence" strikes all chords and it keeps reverberating/constant vibrations...
- How do u survive with no work
- i gave yo my house. i live at family home with mom. she takes care of everything. I do have savings, but we agreed for me not to use it, since I made so many other people rich for three years paying exorbitant rent.....but that is what a lot of my challenges are about...one of the things I dont have control over. I just went on an interview to be a customer attendant in a book store and they refuse to hire me saying I am way above that...
so i just try to be graceful for where i am, and endless people tell me to be grateful...for one reason or another which is amazing and I am, but this is also bizarre. things upside down
- Ok. I have been at home too for a bit while I finish my house project, mind you these days its more of a ruins than anything. It works out great for me as I get support with my toddler. Can't trust these child minders. Once its done though am gonna have to move out. So being 40 and living at home aunt that abnormal at all.
- no. sadly. abnormal for me cause I have lived on my own since 18 .
But this being an island. a very small island. with more people and young, and new professionals and new nouveau riche, there is no land to go to...so folk either build their parents house or make clan lots multiple houses on top each other...taking up all yard space...
since the economy is as it is. huge bottom and smaller richer top, you will find people have to live with their parents without even rebuilding or building anything new because they dont make enough to even consider such a prospect
multiple generational homes are common more than common...the Indians, do it no matter whether they doing well or poor...the africans are doing it too and just as much but for other reasons.
just last week i proposed to my aunt for me to build a three level carriage house in the yard but i realized i am such an interloper here...and so many are concerned that i stay and get this house,..the land I was born to..but that my aunt built having got the land and our old house after my grandfather;'s death (see that is how it works here...land and homes passed on after death to remaining child...so yes, there is often a remaining child in the home...I missed one grave point...to take care of parents as they age..--another reason why mature people stay at home, at least the unmarried)
but yeah..this is not where i should or want to be, but it is where i am..and the story is complicated...i am here too cause my father sold my mother's land and house she had on the market to renters when it was illegal for him to do so...and he has settled himself in his mother's house he moved back in wither her when my family moved back to trinidad from brooklyn...and rebuilt it (see the trend)..and he took it and moved his new wife in there, a woman 9 years younger than me, so I am lost to that house too
I am living a peculiar story my dear...that is why i laugh at you all who still think you have control...loss of control has not yet visited the delusion...but it happens to many every day...
I never planned nor prepared to be living this situation but here i am,,,and i cant fight it..i am most concerned that my fight turns back on me, to my physical body...not an option...so i just take grace and look for ways out
I might go to medical school. to see if i can restart and remake a life...
- did I tell you?
I went to an interview oN Monday to work in a bookstore, just to be the person on the floor, dealing with customers, they refused to hire me or consider me for that post as customer service rep, so sometime, control is what we dont have...seems i am just to sit on the river bank and watch the river flow by...
i tried to do business. it is weird, this is a weird place and i am living some weird dynamics that puzzles even me, but i put that pass me, behind me....need to stop trying to figure out riddles...me not having men interested in me is part of the whole shebang
- since 2007, I have thought to be a courtesan, but i dont think it can work here...too small...but go elsewhere unknown...for sure..
if nothing else
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