Sunday, January 13, 2013

Activism, Arms or Assininity

Sunday January 13, 2013
Day 352

I awaken this morning to noise. a compendium of noise. the neighbor who plays one selection of music on endless rotation. no mix. the same song. one song for hours on end. I have been/We have been listening to the one song since Christmas. I only presume the brain dead got it for that special occasion. And yes, it is a gospel. I have had two heavy trucks if not a truck and an earth mover pass by in this residential neighborhood. There is another resident somewhere farther playing music. Cars buzzing by. The sound volume of banal activities turned loud because of small spaces. All of that for just an hour's time. On a Sunday. No quiet, no reflection. No Peace...and I wonder and ask myself, What is Activism in a landscape where the most basic of civilities are missing? How do you fight for the right to rewrite a constitution when citizens are not even geared created toward minding the quality of life for themselves or their neighbor, far less for their common man or woman? what is activism among beasts? I cannot even write animals, for Animals have a strict no disturb, no desecration of personal space, quality of life, respect, decency. Can you walk into a pride of lions and set up another clique in their midst/ disturbing their equilibrium? No you would be run off. Here in this land, no one is run off. but allowed to stay and entrench their disturbance. then when opposition is raised long after the appropriate time, the offender will rise up to kill you. For simple small bullshit that all should know but they dont because it is as if man here are birthed and raised by wolves, and even the wolves would not accept them. Even wolf pack rules are transgressed by these special beings

These beings who want you to be an activist, to get off the sidelines but are in fact willing to attack you. Crabs. And never would they see the dissonance. So on whose interest and benefit are you fighting, for your killers and saboteurs? Really?

What is the activism here in actuality when the basic tenets of decent living are not observed, is it not all performance theatre and farce. obscuring personal agendas and motivations on the public stage where comfort and support is attained, for whatever your dastardly plots. How many times do we see the same story play out time and time again. All who show up pretending to be savior are in fact wolf in sheep costuming? Benefiting by what land, position, money, infamy? Activism?

What is activism in a country and region that was robbed and raped by one smart man? who is me to that man? Not in jail. Not under a jail. But in Africa building more monuments to his own hands with Trinidad and Caribbean money. A man with a name Du Prey and we need to wonder and ask where and why I am not an activist. For whom> For what? where? In this criminal land and space? I dare not. MY ancestors and parents did not accident make me for me to spend my life force and energy. And not to those who would hate and criticise. {Loud Rap music in a car is slowly passing by.}

Let me tell you what i learned from other people's experience in 2006, mainly Attilah Springer. I remember her writing, talking and testifying about the patriarchy in the Anti Smelter campaign, a campaign in which I had a passing in, 'as activist' for i gave a presentation /talk at the Symposium organized by UWI>..and I will never forget that For I think, If a warrior is going to the front lines. IS going to stand up and take a stand on the behalf and for the benefit for others, that warrior should never have to be on guard, to watch their back among others who are supposedly on the same side, or be concerned for their passing through unimpeded. IF none of that is possible, then they dont need to be there. wrong environment.

you belong to the space and people who make a way for you. no where, no thing, no body else anything beyond that is you looking for trauma and tragedy.

Oddly enough, when i awaken with noise it disturbs my very physicality so I may have tension headache or neck ache...I do think i may suffer from a peculiar  sensitivity and response to disturbance.

But the point i am making is what is activism in a landscape where nothing is stabilized. Nothing is assured. No safety is guaranteed .No standard established. When any and everything is permissible. so what farce is protest? Protest what? The peeing and shitting on the street? The lack of education or the farce of education for industrial ignorance construction? Hospitals that house murderers and maimers? Road signs that make no sense. "maraval highway" through woodbrook? Shysters and stick up men for parliamentarians. And a puppet vapid for prime sinister? Where does one fit in that.

So many thoughts and critiques. Especially the biggest one of all:Protests and Activists their Activism are just means and ways to justify and maintain a death system. Revolution and Overturn is what is necessary. Wake me up when you all decide to take up arms

To talk of activism of larger ideas that supersede basic human community functioning behaviors is itself preposterous and a circus carnivale I will not engage.

And i have had this conversation before> We have not been taught in this place to be quiet and reverential. Who would have taught the slaves and the absconders to be respectful of themselves, their lives and bodies, and therefore every structure emanating therefrom? the brutalizers? so we have become the murderous lot that stole and colonized us... Self Same Bruts. Man Woman Child Alike

Tell me then, where there, Activism?

==========
But look at my blessings and crosses== Look what Peter OConnor writes Just for me This Sunday...His Sunday Column.....

                                            INABILITY TO COMPLETE ANYTHING
       By Peter O’Connor, for publication Sunday 13th January 2013.

"When things go wrong, we tend to rush in to try to correct the problem, and we often do so without any planning for the consequences of the presumed “corrective action”. And many, if not most, sudden impulses towards corrective action bring new, and longer-term issues to the original problem. 

The festering situation of Grande Riviere beach is one such issue. A sudden “rush of blood” to belatedly try to rectify the original problem—beach erosion by the meandering river—brought great calumny down upon the authorities, and that fallout now prevents any authority from completing a job started, but left incomplete since last September. 

Nothing will postpone the turtle-nesting season on Grand Riviere Beach. The giant leatherback turtles will begin arriving in a few weeks, to lay their eggs in the sand. They will arrive whether the beach is “ready or not”, and will deposit many of their eggs in damp or wet sand—and these eggs will not hatch—left behind by the still incomplete work on the beach.

Trinidad and Tobago “sells” the nature experience at Grande Riviere, as an important attraction to naturalists around the world. We were doing this at the big Travel Industry fair held last November in London. People, including Tour Operators, who asked about the beach at Grande Riviere, were told that it was being fixed, so please bring your people and come to Grande Riviere!  

There is only one thing wrong with this promise held out to potential visitors: The work has not been completed. There is a large festering “pond” in the middle of Grande Riviere beach, right where the access road meets the beach, and right in front of one of the hotels on the beach! To me, and probably to most of you, the obvious thing to do to remove this stinking eyesore, which will probably affect some of the eggs laid nearby, would be to drain it and then fill it with clean sand.  

But when will this—or some other mitigating activity—take place? And who will be responsible for implementing it? Recent reports have indicated that the “Pontius Pilate Principle” is at work here, preventing anyone from doing anything. The Pontius Pilate Principle dictates that the EMA, having taken some flack for using excavators to straighten the river in September will never, ever, order a piece of equipment on to any beach---ever again! “Allyou blame me? Well, allyou could wait, I not going to order a backhoe to go and fill that fetid hole on Grande Riviere beach!” 

We thus embrace the ultimate in childish immaturity and petulance by spiting ourselves, the situation, and indeed our country when we totally abandon common sense and the effort—to say nothing of responsibility -- required to complete, to the public’s satisfaction, the restoration of the beach. And many of us will actually sympathize with the whiners and moaners who are giving us “good reason” why they will not (they will say “cannot”) finish the job, restore the beach and make Grande Riviere welcoming to the turtles, to us citizens and to the hundreds of visitors expected from overseas. We will actually say “what you expect those EMA people to do? We bouffe them when they sent in the excavator, and therefore they are right to do nothing from now on”. 

Of course, as a nation of moaners and whiners, we are always too ready to make and accept any stupid or trivial excuse for our failings, for our inability to try again, and this millstone of excuse and sympathy is dragging us down beyond even our understanding. But we like it so, we are eternally comfortable in our failings and in our excuses. 

So, are we going to stay comfortable in this current shame? And it is shame we should be feeling, when we look at that stagnant, fetid hole in the middle of Grande Riviere beach. 

Promises were made to Grande Riviere. They were promised, by the Minister of Tourism, and by the Minister of the Environment and Water Resources, that the river would have been straightened, and that the beach would have been restored before the turtles began arriving. Well, the river was straightened, but the beach is still a stinking eyesore, which will turn away every T&T citizen who seeks a “turtle experience” this year. And it will bring such a torrent of negative publicity from the overseas visitors, from which the village—as a site for Eco-tourism—will probably never recover.   

And what a shame this would be—if a little rural village, by its own concerns and working with almost no help, put itself on the world map for nature lovers, might actually be wiped off the tourism map because our government and its agencies could not restore a damaged beach. " 


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  • Maven Huggins:

    i going to a memorial so dont have time to write much...but rbhara charged me today with being on the sidelines, not being an activist, not being part of the "action" and when and what is important enough
    i dont know if you friends with her to see the thread . at first i thought she was attacking me, but i saw it differently, or at least i chose to, cause it was an attack but they dont understand me
    they cant comprehend how i detest all of them: uncppnm and anything in this country come and is them/that...and they dont understand that i see it all as futility...
    and that article an all that happens proves that

    http://www.trinidadexpress.com/commentaries/War_against_Tobago-186244391.html

    gotta run. we will pick up
    stay strong soldier///that is it. they do not understand stealth, quiet soldiers, and vanguard. they have no clue or material to contextualize me. i must be on the road rah rahing...but she called my number too so i had to check myself...she say how i rail and rant on fb but no action
    high. i eh able with these philistines"
  • .
  • .
    Richard Anthony Luke

    "Ok. So much. No I did not see it in the news. I picked it up between the lines in the post you wrote about your mother's advice. As time went by the story revealed itself.I had my run in with T&T Ent, so I did not know the gentleman. Additionally, I don't seek funding from any government organization, as I said not even a hospital bed.
    Now unto RB, the thing about being an activist and actually doing or trying to help in this town, is that you are only allowed to do so within the confines of a debate that they set up. Step out of the confines and they will kill you.
    You can run a ra-te-ra-te-ray and talk about this or that, and eventually someone will toss you a bone like RuVic and offer you a position on a board. Or you can do like 3Canal and be the voice of the voiceless, a dull bladed weapon of the "militant."
    I think I better shut-up. We both understand the futility, but still, the messianic wild card - which is what they like - can come along and fuck de whole ting up. The question is. R U the messianic wild card?"
---------------

activism?
I read this post and it reminds me of yet another concern i have long had about this place: my deep fear of becoming like them, behaving like them. I feel if I immerse myself in their landscape, platforms, operations and  stirrings, I will become just like them...
John Arnold: "Well blessing in Plymouth ,Kamla in church with Certica praying for a TOP victory. They would also pray for Skippy who abused Godwin on a big truck yesterday in front Godwin mother house.bible says pray without ceasing."
======

it gets richer....

"What can I add--that I agree and endorse? Of course, we are on the same road here, i have always maintained that lions and wolves (even ants!) are more "civilized" than Trinidadians!. All those big new empty buildings rising out of our flooded, blooded streets are our Tuesday mas'--our real selves is jourvert mud. 
RB and the fb group well bouffe me up about a year ago when i called them FB critics, doing nothing but writing bitchiness on fb all day. they tell me how FB create the Arab Spring and all that. I tell them when they sending out the "calls to arms", let me know---I still waiting....  "  from my YOWA

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Day 353 Brims

10:38pm Saturday February 12, 2013
Day 353 has been brimming over

I woke up after only about six hours of sleep. The night/day/morning started from the evening prior where I met JCharles to talk about my idea for an alternative carnival fete, Champagne and Cheesecake. That in his ears and hands turned into a carnival fete: "Champagne & Cheesecake..."Carnivale" a different Dimanche Gras! Tell me what you think! (4 photos)" ...he posted on his page. I saw it and was equal measure happy and proud for it meant he felt the idea legitimate to new heights and levels, but i was also concerned that this idea might be swiped from my hands. But it was him and his cousin I spent the evening into night with...at Jenny's, at a hole in the wall for karaoke, at the Savannah for pan and then home by about three. And it was that hour that Wade Stewart wills was losing his life.




After evening limes with his regulars, Wade reportedly, "went on a beat" I gather a beat has something to do with a pretty girl and opportunities, perhaps. He supposedly fell asleep at the wheel and him and his passenger, the girl with as yet no name and clearly no interest for at the 'memoria'l for him at his job tonight, the girl was never mentioned. in fact no one would have known there was another body in the vehicle; so invisible she is... But both of them . He took her with him...died on impact. A CEO of Trinidad Tobago Entertainment Company.

Upon waking this was the news i got from my friend Rennie who was Wade's good friend. I just returned from the memorial wake leaving Rennie there...

But the day upon hearing the news, seemed to be jam packed full of energy and never got quiet or settled. It was one thing, many things, banal things, things of heights -pondering life and death...laundry, sewing, planning with my HeadHunter who is really a gift DGalt...

But i come home feeling some kind of way.. A way about my friendship with Rennie. In a quiet resolve of no resistance to anything. Recognition that all things fade away: friends, lives and life. Rennie was serving everyone there tonight drinks; acting like a host. I came with him, drove him and he never once offered me the same courtesy. When I wasked him what was that about he gave some bullshit lame response that I was there before everyone. and i am driving. and I lime, drink alcohol and drive with Rennie all the time. My response was, "that is your response and you sticking with it? And I got up went to the bathroom and was ready to go And not as I was upset, but I literally am not friends with anyone there. I am not tight or connected. I actually just blanked one of his friends, which I kind of feel bad about as I left without saying good bye since she was like, you all are taking me home...but I had enough. It was not my place. That is it. That sentence resonates. That was not my place. It was not my people of place, and the one person who was my  link acted as if I was a stranger even to him..

It spurs me to write of the day when I did not consider to do so any moment before.

The other part of the day in the back of my mind is pondering about what Chase and John have decided about backing and participating in my event to make it happen. They were supposed to meet today to discuss it. I imagine John posted that link for feedback before the meeting. But at the time I thought it was after. I am supposed to meet with them tomorrow so will see.

It made me think of ways to protect myself. At least the ideas and process and interactions have been documented here. The many people i pithed participation to: Rennie as a matter of fact. He was the first one I asked to be the event manager. Deborah, I asked her to be the face of the event.  KLangton, supposedly, an "event specialist" i asked. All of them said they would get back to me and did not. Have not. and I have contacted, followed up or pursued any of them. It feels great not to do so.

It also feels good that i have come to the conclusion of when I feel full and need to download, I can do that here on this blog. in this 2013 writing pages, filling days. and remove myself from doing so on fb. There is too much charge there. There are too many judgements, eyes, and castigations. And no need for me to continue writing even though I did so under the guise of to myself, Here it really is to myself with no empty craven cannibalistic voyeurs. And here it can be for a purpose. the book.

I feel I am just adapting to endless shifts and changes.

Plenty other things too. i wonder if i ever documented that last Sunday Seadly had another stroke and is supposedly without voice, speech and perhaps comprehension. Michelle saw him in the hospital today/ To speak of shifts reminded me of him. How we found out was through a call from Wayne, Michelle's husband...Not Roslyn our family and cousin. There was a time when no such thing would have occurred. But i suspect Roslyn has it in for Marjorie for supporting Margaret in getting the house/  I swear people are so fucked up in the head And there is no end to people's greed and grab.  But no one has called us from that family Nor has anyone here called them. Things shift and change/

Today was wild too. I dont know where it came from but I had a passive epiphany where it seemed I let pass from me any need to be connected romantically with anyone I have met, who i have held such hopes and intentions. It seems I also released the need to find such among the din, the crowd the melee. It was a recognition of the futility of believing in the heights of people, as well as seeing the stories of people's lives and realizing you really do not fit in . They are all crowded. Their lives. Crowded: and the stories and the pictures sometimes go together, sometimes not. and trying to figure out what, you just stop and say.. how useless. And so you give up the ghost. I felt that today.

A lot of hours I pass now in silence.

then today i was challenged for being on the sidelines. Not taking action. Not being an activist. and Not being the army as one as I claim. . It was an interesting moment. At first i thought i was being attacked, but even if so, I just chose to engage it on another level...to give it legitimacy and to recognize if i was nobody to this person she would not be even spending time. So lets see what is there to mine.  But I think about it now. I am in a place where most bristle at me, malign me, negate and admonish me and I am to engage them, fight for them, with and on their behalf? Really?

But more importantly, I have serious issues about this place, about the retardation of processes, people, consciousness, progress and i do not see any action on my part as of any value, legitimacy, difference. It is all futile. i say that. The powers flowing in a different opposing direction is far more powerful.


But i did take note that there are those who think my voice is absent from the landscape. That is saying something. Big.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Marina, Junior, Window Bougainvillea Branches in Grown Up Brooklyn

9:11am Friday January 11, 2013
Day 354-- Marina and Junior - Silence from the Crossed Overs

I dreamt of my birth mother and brother this morning. they are both deceased, since 1993 and 1987, respectively. The dream took place in our family house in brooklyn, but it was morphed. Kind of like a grown up bigger version of the house itself, but in the same format and layout. but grander, just bigger.

my mother's room was actually my brother's room it seemed. and she did something I now want to do for the house i live in, my mother's family's house, my aunt's/godmother's house, was my grandparent's house...I want to put plants at my windows for security, for noise insulation, privacy and for pollution cleaning. ... in the dream, my mother cut big boughs of bougainvillea, the traditional old time kind that grows huge and is thick and has lots of pickers and is unwieldly and no one could ever cut those boughs and install them in front of windows on a second floor, no less..but that is what my mother did in the dream. and i was talking to her and my brother in her room that was really my brother's room in real life back then... and i saw the window full of branches and leaves from inside. and we talked but i cant remember what we talked about...not really.. then we went outside and was looking up at the window and my mom was telling me where she got the boughs from-- from another street, around the corner, in the same neighborhood.. and then another part of the dream i went downstairs and as i was passing through the hallway, i could see the concrete and the filling in the floors, around and connecting the door frames, the tiles and wood was crumbling...falling apart and the sense i have waking up is the sinew of thing is most important. the glue that holds the big parts together is more important cause that makes the whole thing fall apart...

and it seemed someone was in the house fixing it, fixing the same parts falling apart? i am not sure. but it is like i was avoiding seeing /interacting with that person>>>

and that is all i remember about the dream. but i did not have bad feelings while having the dream nor in waking up

but odd the dream...

i rarely dream of my two deceased family members; i cant remember, the times I have dreamt of them together in the same dream are few - none to recall-- so from that perspective...

i wonder what the message and omen

-------------

I add this here just because....

  • Friday

  • Maven Huggins
    Adafih, Morning
    I had another dream. i am struggling to remember all the parts but
    It was a dream of my birth mother and full brother. they are both deceased, since 1993 and 1987, respectively. The dream took place in our family house in brooklyn, but it was morphed. Kind of like a grown up bigger version of itself, but in the same format and layout. but grander, just bigger.
    my mother's room was actually my brother's room it seemed. and she did something I now want to do for the house i live in, my mother's family's house, my aunt's/godmother's house, was my grandparent's house...I want to put plants at my windows for security, for noise insulation and for pollution cleaning. and in the dream, my mother cut big boughs of bougainvillea, the traditional old time kind that grows huge and is thick and has lots of pickers and is unweildly and no one could ever cut boughs and install them in front of windows but that is what my mother did in the dream. and i was talking to her and my brother in her room that was my brother's room and i saw the window full of branches and leaves. and we talked but cant remember what we talked about...not really.. then we went outside and was looking up at the window and my mom was telling me where she got the boughs from.. and then another part of the dream i went downstairs and as i was passing the hallway, i could see the concrete and the filling in the floors, around the tiles and wood was crumbling...falling apart and the sense i have waking up is the sinew of thing is most important. the glue that holds the big parts together is more important cause that makes the whole thing fall apart...
    and it seemed someone was in the house fixing it, fixing the same parts falling apart? i am not sure. but it is like i was avoiding seeing /interacting with that person>>>
    and that is all i remember about the dream. but i did not have bad feelings while having the dream nor in waking up
    but odd the dream...
    what can you tell me?

    Maven

  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    hmmm intestng dream
    sorry i took so long
    i now getting some quiet time to read and reread the dream.


  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    to dream a house usually represents your own soul and self. u mentioned going downstairs in the house. is this a basement?...basement represents the subconsciousness. windows represent possibilities and since u r looking out the window it represents yr outlook in life .yr mother putting plants outside the window means she cud be showing u yr hidden potential assuming the flowers r in bloom. the window full of branches in your brother's room can represent the outcome of the relationship and communication with yr brother. To see branches is also a symbol of good luck. Leaves signify new found happiness, however it can mean that u want to b 'left' alone....however bc the leaves were with branches i take it 2 b positive since and that means that the relationship with yr brother may improve. then u went outside with him n u looked inside the window. to look inside the window indicates introspection. If it is u saw yr moms face in the window cud mean that u r feeling emotionally distant or detached from her...or seeing that yr brother was with u too it cud mean that he is the one that is detached from her (someone is detached) ..n yr mom telling u where she got the boughs cud b her telling u how to fix the situation n is a sign of her telling u her love is strong...(flowers r a sign of love...n the branches u said were thick).....perhaps she is letting one of u know that even though some thing happened to strain the relationship that she still has a strong love for u all. To go downstairs represents repressed thoughts of yr subconscious. It also refers to setbacks in yr life. wen u walk into the hallway it represents a path in yr life.the concrete n tiles etc crumbling means something is trying to reveal itself to u apparently something very important.it also indicates some level of chaos in yr life...perhaps it has to do with what yr mom was trying to tell u. someone in the house fixing it means someone is trying to repair the relationship but u avoiding them means u r not confronting some aspect about the yourself and the relationship. i don't know if this makes any sense to u at all.


  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    but i hope it helps
    let me know if u can relate plz
  •  
    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    the dream can also be sommin that happend seeing that yr mom and bro passed away...i 4got about that part....so it cud have been that wat i interpreted actually occured.
  • Today
  •  
    Maven Huggins
    no it had two floors and a basement...this was not the basement but the first floor..the bedrooms were upstairs...the basement below the first. i was in the middle
  •  
    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    ok
    does the interpretation make any sense?
    can u relate to it?
  •  
    Maven Huggins
    well...i got distracted by some things you skewed
    it was my mother and i looking up at the window. we were outside on the ground and looking up to the second floor window. my brother was not there at that part of the dream. he was only in the bedroom at the beginning..
    so there are things I question
    the fact that you not understanding the house gives factors that may be wrong?
    i not sure
    if i take what you write it could mean my mother is saying she love me and my brother...when she may have not done the best by us in life...or the person fixing the house could be my father who want to make up after all the evil he has done me but that is a stretch and i have no proof of it. i just trying to fit what you say rather than it already seen.
    The other thing is you taking the plant and greenery for flowers and it was not about flowers...so I am at a loss. this one you kinda read other things not accurate...you know what i mean?
    but it did seem like a good dream...
  •  
    Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    perhaps i didnt understand the dream properly. ..but like i said im not a dream reader by 'trade' lol...i jus like trying to see if i can make sence of it.but the dream was confusing n u were not online 4 me 2 ask questions 4 clarification
  • Maven Huggins
    no probs. no seen...yes...i can understand how and why it would be confusing...because the house is not like any here in trinidad. in the dream the house was like a literal mansion..and the dream was like a movie with different scenes at different locations..very nuanced.
    very specific
    and though bougainvillea has flowers, in the dream it was mostly green seen...and even then i wonder if someone would consider that 'flowers' you know...
    But say what...it is all experience
    i was answering your question of if it fits...no probs>...'
  •  
     Noble- Lue Shue
    oooh ok...but i gave wat certain symbols mean...so perhaps u can use that n try to interpret yrself seeing that u know wat certain things mean....like a house or a window..leaves etc
    but i didnt get the same feelin from this dream like the other one i did 4 u......like i didnt get that compulsive desire to give my take on it
    this last one i had to refer to a dream dictuonaray at times to figure out certain things
    but with the 1st one i didnt need to do that


  • Maven Huggins
    well it gets confusing too cause i or we in the dream were not looking out the windoe or in.. as it was from a distance and covered in leaves. so is nothing to see. do you see?
    lol. wow. real intriguing if you had to check reference


  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    that one came straight outa me
    like how i felt
    that snake dream spoke to me


  • Maven Huggins
    yes yes


  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    yup....bc there were so many symbols...a lot....everything was a symbol
    the house....window...branches leaves...hallway..the house falling apart..it being repaired
    full of symbols

  • Maven Huggins
    hm...

  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    perhaps if u use a dream dictionary u wud b able 2 figure it out bc u know the dream
    it have plenty dream dictionaries online

  • Maven Huggins
    i used to have plenty dream books. and i never sought on line to my memory...i find dream interpretation is so highly cultural and personal that any interpretation out of those confines can be misleading

  • Adafih Noble- Lue Shue
    true



Thursday, January 10, 2013

Today's (1/10/13) Surrender into Healing and Wholeness







‎2013 is the year of the snake, and the healing wisdom of the serpent is available to us all this year, if we choose to accept it. Snake medicine is powerful and transformational. It stimulates us to grow - frequently in directions we had not forseen. To allow this to happen, we often need to shed old skins, to release that which no longer supports the direction of our unfolding life force. The skin we need to shed might be who we have been in a relationship, a point of view, a belief system or an identity. When shedding a skin, like the snake, we enter into a period where we are neither completely what we once were, nor yet what we will be. We are becoming. We might not even know what we are becoming! We may just sense that we are no longer what we once were. The divine wisdom of the snake can help us. The snake doesn't plan or control its growth cycles, it surrenders into them as they naturally occur. We can learn from this. If we allow ourselves to trust in our own life process, our growth happens perfectly, without planning or control. It is safe to trust your life experiences and don't worry if you don't understand them! Call on the loving wisdom of snake medicine and trust. You don't have to know, you just need to let go - and then you'll grow. May the divine serpent mother bless your journey this year.

In Ten Years



writing it for posterity




think i am seeing my life unfold and its direction for the first time in forever..

i am going to get some bomb jobs in the next few months

in fact, i believe i will get one and be holding down two great jobs in time for my Mom's 71st birthday on March 15, 2013. it will be her birthday gift. I will be making close to $40K.month


but the forecast I see is that I will get and hold two great productive flourishing lucrative jobs and go to medical school. I will be a practicing medical doctor in ten years. by 58

I will be moving onto the next half of my life. I had the first half. i am currently in transition/the bridge/the reformulation chamber..and then by 58, i will be in another flow


in ten years
...the doctor I will become....

----------------


this is one of the women of my life story
this is my shero
this was once my doctor and surgeon
this is the woman who is the model for the kind of doctor i would wish to be I wish she could train and teach me.
She needs to give me a scholarship for where she is at, as a matter of fact!! Lori-Linell
this is my friend writing her life work. just a day in it. today ♥

but i had to share this with you all in trinidad and orther turd worlds..this is how a real heart of a surgeon and mind of a heart does medicine, wellness, repair and healing..

lori has done for me I see she continues for others.. now do some of your own thinking and after reading her testimony ask yourself how come so many women die in this two by four speck of country...

--------------

Lori-Linell Hollins:

"I always feel so drained & tired after doing surgery. Today was emotional. The patient thoroughly understood the risk/benefits & that the bottom line was to do what was safe. This meant she had a 99.9% chance of losing her ability to have children. She already had children from a previous relationship. Also explained in depth & reviewed x-rays etc to her younger childless partner. He said he expected a miracle through me.

Well there's a tenet to surgery: know as much as possible about what's going on before you do the surgery. I had done my due diligence & explained all the alternatives. I had even said an option was to do nothing. When I opened the patient it was as I expected. I did what I had thought & planned to do. It went well.

I dreaded telling the partner. I kept saying during the case why we were doing what we were doing though I am & was convinced it was the right thing.

He had this incredible scowl & look of disappointment on his face. He didnt even ask how she was.

We didn't lose an excessive amount of blood. There was no damage to her bowel, bladder, ureters, or major blood vessels. Her incision looked great. She woke up with all of her faculties: ability to think, talk, feel, breathe, from the anesthesia.
Her quality of life will be improved.

After charting & doing another procedure I left a bit early, came home. Finished reading A Mercy, ate half a box of the most delicious chocolate truffles, the kind spiked with Southern Comfort & Drambuie, I've ever eaten, and then went to bed... Until now.."

Day 356 - Healings - Reading Planned Jobs on Black Out Days

Thursday, January 10, 2013
Day 356 - How am I Living and Filling

Today electricity went out from as early as 9am. It was the stop of the fan that aroused me from slumber. I slowly set about the day. Mindful to keep my temperature down with no cooling system. My AC already out for weeks now, lucky and blessed for me the neighbor whose yard my wall of windows adjoin is away so I am not poisoned by his dinosaur american exhausts perfumes . And December, as usual, is usually cooler for rain and northern breezes, so i have been saved and abridged.

I thought and wondered whether to go out in search of cooler climes, interconnectivity, but i said no, this is an opportunity to read and make it through some books on my table. I made good way through Beware of Pity, a European classic soon to finish. I cut the remainder in half. I also read yesterday's paper, which i wonder if i would have had the cable been on as any other ordinary day. There were two great jobs listed in there; both I qualify for and can do: One is to be a CEO of Synergy Resources Ltd, a solar and green energy resources and services company in South.
 http://synergyresourcesltd.com/index.html  And the other, Executive Director of PSI/C - Population Services International/Caribbean  http://www.psi.org/caribbean

Interestingly enough, this day, with no electricity i thought of how this country wastes grand opportunities and how banal and incredulously amazing that we do without electricity here at the equator under the sun. We should have solar systems as immediate back up during blackouts. Of course that is with the understanding that the sun and wind and ocean waves should be providing us , this little speck of an island with all our energy needs.  And here it is, to discover a solar energy company vacancy. All the ideas I thought today will be part of my application package.

Having listed my plans of jobs to apply for; plans to write my new found HR HeadHunter, I hope, to see if she would apply on my behalf; that would surely be more powerful than on my own; I rested, laid down and just when i got into a good sleep, my mother comes to disturb me to tell me the announcement of no electricity was in the papers o.0. About an hour later it restored. And I have yet to turn the tv or music on. When it came on, I reveled in the fan, and just flipped over with my book. But the  idea of not being on media or mail all day pulled me to the computer.

I plan to be in the same place for the rest of the evening.

 But i almost forgot the high emotional intelligence of the day...while lying down, at one point my Mom came to tell me that she was across the road...and i had this revelation...but cant now remember the language. I said my Marjorie was my Healing Stone or some sort. She as received and absorbed so much stuff from me, that has released me allowing me to be free to reformulate, to change, to renew...I shall never yell at her again: i shall never raise my voice in conflict again. Was the thought , prayer and resolved. then I rolled to my side and thought. My mother Marina did not birth canal me for her, but for Marjorie.. She is my real Mother...and a long heavy tear rolled down my cheek...but somehow in there were the other people who too loved me: Maria Baptiste, Lilla Gordon and Ruth Huggins. I was born to a nest of women . I am now remaining with Marjorie Baptiste







 


JEFF BROWN
Our survival adaptations are so tough, but our wounds are so delicate. To heal, we have to lift the armour carefully- it saved our lives, after all. It’s like moving your best friend off to the side of the path. You don’t trample on her, you don’t hit him with a sledgehammer. You honor her presence like a warm blanket that has kept you safe and sound during wintry times. And then, when the moment is right, you get inside and stitch your wounds with the thread of love, slowly and surely, not rushing to completion, nurturing as you weave, tender and true. The healing process has a heart of its own, moving at its own delicate pace. We are such wondrous weavers..

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

On Women's Cycles, Grandmother Traumas, Caressed Massages - All LOVE

 Wednesday January 9 2013
357 Days of Life, How are you Filling it





i really did not want to rise up out of slumber but so many thoughts flood my mind at the moment.

firstly, all night i tossed to get to some snuggle comfort in my bed. and at first i said, i am now sleeping in this bed as if someone else is in it, on one side; for before, i used to sleep slap dab in the middle, but i think there is a hole there, and i have discomfort in my abdomen due to my fibroids grown back after my last surgery in 2007, and that being my third surgery overall for a woman trying to preserve her fertility to have children for whom she has nine or eleven names carded and approaching fortyeight in a few weeks and nary one of those children here or apparently on their way since no man, mate, love, donor or sex partner exists. I may have to do like Staceyann Chin and make my child by myself. Something i never wanted to do.

but it was only just now that i found the right way to lie down. on my belly, with a pillow under my torso reaching to my legs. and then it occurs to me too that the weight and discomfort i felt last night, for i was hot too was the recognition that it is that time in the cosmic cycle of me huggins --an elevated body temperature in preparation for menustration. then i thought how easy and better it would be if women knew where they were and did what was necessary to up comfort or alleviate discomfort, the riding of the cycle would be a happier experience.  that led me to a bigger thought. by the time i got to the perfect position, i realized, wow. and felt th eneed and imagined me comforting and caressing myself as a loving mother would do, as a doting grandmother would do, as a caring lover would. caressing the head and cheeks and just lying close. I imagined that for me, to me, by me. it is not the first time.

but that led me to the first thought: to pose to men: when last have you caressed a woman's body. it made me realize that men fuck and sex women all the time. they never touch women, except to hold, slap or position her. they dont really caress anymore. but i think they used to no? when i was younger i seem to remember such some encounters. now it is absent. and i saw myself writing it, instructing it>
to spoon a woman, to have the hand on the bed under your head as if in a prop. and your other hand holding her hand. caressing it as it is held. do you know how to do that? it is close to the practice of how people move metal balls in their palms to increase agility. you do the same thing with someone else's fingers, but slowly, meditatively. then you move to her forehand and arm and caress, rub, pass it down, move it up, feel her arms and structure. her muscles or lack there of. get to her shoulder and with the back of your hand, pass it gently from the ear to the shoulder, at the neck. use the back of your fingers and rub her chest. not her breast, but her decoutege* the area under her neck atop her breast. then go back to her hand, and get to her leg, her thigh and by this time you will have to either stop with love or move yourself and go into straight love caress massage mode and do the rest: her thigh, her calves, her feet, and then the other side, and then ask if she wishes to get her back rubbed..all in cool, soft, gentle touching feeling conveying moods that is not sexual at all. but just loving and caring. the kind of massage you would give a baby when you are lotioning or oiling their body but just doing it for a long time, each part. and then her feet.

and that got me to thinking . now that i live in the caribbean where so many feet are exposed for the climate, i realize the extent to which people ignore their feet completely. i am flabbergasted how it is people can take baths and showers and never wash their damn feet. but they dont. it is ignored. and so you have these crusty feet with telltale signs. the nail bed is encrusted in dead skin and cuticle. it is overly dry and flaked because it has been there like that for decades. it is white, or embedded brown at the sole. i even had a guy seeing the bottom of my feet on a chair once ask me, if i ever use my feet. that was errol fabien. and that response indicates what i am explaining. the other thing is that therefore, folk never lotion or oil their feet either. apportion and relative to this is folk never scrub their feet and they never scrub their feet because it would appear that a lot of people bathe here but most do not scrub their skin. the telltale sign, dark discolored necks, dirty towels upon wiping dry...the body or its skin has not been sloughed...all thoughts i had this morning...it is hard massaging someone's feet that is in that or any state of uncleanliness. seems to me to defeat the purpose. and on some poignant level proves how hard it is to receive the love we may want. we make it hard or oppose it by our own laziness, or oversight or shoddiness?

but i had bigger insights last night
i also somehow thought of my grannie, perhaps in this whole massaging women thing . for if a woman is not in a relationship with a man, or paying to be massaged in love, and i realize there is no one you can go to to get such loving caresses as a service. makes me think i can consider offering it..but it is only grandmothers who would do that to their grown up and growing grand children. i remember my grandmother used to massage and caress me as a child when i visited and slept with her. she would rub my leg and arms. i am amazed, i think she was a treat and a gem gone too soon . so i thought of her dying and realized, think, now theorize...that when old people, some> get alzheimers in particular, or start to forget themselves and seem to mentally deteriorate...I think it is due to a trauma. i mean today, this morning, I am believing that it was daddy's and my family;s return home to tortuga and taking over my grandmother's house, which my father rebuilt before they came home and moved/shifted her out of her life as she lived it, and the loss of her space as she had it that made it no longer hers, is a push out and off this earth and life. and i think before that the person is traumatized. and moreso for my grandmother because evidently there was disheartening and comfort between them and my fucked up fathers response was to ice my grandmother out and I could imagine the extreme disbelief and cross that must have been for her and so she just dropped out as she tried to cope. and then i heard of her and alzheimers or some such but i dont think it was ever really that i think it was here trying, reaching struggling out to find some place safe lacking in the physical that she sought in the mental to exist, and thus the lost hold on reality and doing things like bathrooming the bed. but i think that was all trauma done to her by my father and that was the result. she withered away mentally and died. my grandmother was a boss woman/ i think she was sixtyfive years older than I.. for i think she was 80 when she died and i was about twenty five. she was a boss baker and head lover of all, and especially children. and she knew herbs. Ruth Huggins. so i am telling you do not traumatize your old people . coddle them care for them, leave them alone and do not upturn their homes. i have seen this twice now in my life. Carl did it to Ruth and she died. Marjorie did it to Felix and he died. dont go rebuilding their homes or nothing. leave them so. this is what i saw.

i now pause to wonder what else i had to write on: feet, massages, old people trauma and alzheimers, and women knowing their cycles and being loved. i think that is it.