10:38pm Saturday February 12, 2013
Day 353 has been brimming over
I woke up after only about six hours of sleep. The night/day/morning started from the evening prior where I met JCharles to talk about my idea for an alternative carnival fete, Champagne and Cheesecake. That in his ears and hands turned into a carnival fete: "Champagne & Cheesecake..."Carnivale" a different Dimanche Gras! Tell me what you think! (4 photos)" ...he posted on his page. I saw it and was equal measure happy and proud for it meant he felt the idea legitimate to new heights and levels, but i was also concerned that this idea might be swiped from my hands. But it was him and his cousin I spent the evening into night with...at Jenny's, at a hole in the wall for karaoke, at the Savannah for pan and then home by about three. And it was that hour that Wade Stewart wills was losing his life.
After evening limes with his regulars, Wade reportedly, "went on a beat" I gather a beat has something to do with a pretty girl and opportunities, perhaps. He supposedly fell asleep at the wheel and him and his passenger, the girl with as yet no name and clearly no interest for at the 'memoria'l for him at his job tonight, the girl was never mentioned. in fact no one would have known there was another body in the vehicle; so invisible she is... But both of them . He took her with him...died on impact. A CEO of Trinidad Tobago Entertainment Company.
Upon waking this was the news i got from my friend Rennie who was Wade's good friend. I just returned from the memorial wake leaving Rennie there...
But the day upon hearing the news, seemed to be jam packed full of energy and never got quiet or settled. It was one thing, many things, banal things, things of heights -pondering life and death...laundry, sewing, planning with my HeadHunter who is really a gift DGalt...
But i come home feeling some kind of way.. A way about my friendship with Rennie. In a quiet resolve of no resistance to anything. Recognition that all things fade away: friends, lives and life. Rennie was serving everyone there tonight drinks; acting like a host. I came with him, drove him and he never once offered me the same courtesy. When I wasked him what was that about he gave some bullshit lame response that I was there before everyone. and i am driving. and I lime, drink alcohol and drive with Rennie all the time. My response was, "that is your response and you sticking with it? And I got up went to the bathroom and was ready to go And not as I was upset, but I literally am not friends with anyone there. I am not tight or connected. I actually just blanked one of his friends, which I kind of feel bad about as I left without saying good bye since she was like, you all are taking me home...but I had enough. It was not my place. That is it. That sentence resonates. That was not my place. It was not my people of place, and the one person who was my link acted as if I was a stranger even to him..
It spurs me to write of the day when I did not consider to do so any moment before.
The other part of the day in the back of my mind is pondering about what Chase and John have decided about backing and participating in my event to make it happen. They were supposed to meet today to discuss it. I imagine John posted that link for feedback before the meeting. But at the time I thought it was after. I am supposed to meet with them tomorrow so will see.
It made me think of ways to protect myself. At least the ideas and process and interactions have been documented here. The many people i pithed participation to: Rennie as a matter of fact. He was the first one I asked to be the event manager. Deborah, I asked her to be the face of the event. KLangton, supposedly, an "event specialist" i asked. All of them said they would get back to me and did not. Have not. and I have contacted, followed up or pursued any of them. It feels great not to do so.
It also feels good that i have come to the conclusion of when I feel full and need to download, I can do that here on this blog. in this 2013 writing pages, filling days. and remove myself from doing so on fb. There is too much charge there. There are too many judgements, eyes, and castigations. And no need for me to continue writing even though I did so under the guise of to myself, Here it really is to myself with no empty craven cannibalistic voyeurs. And here it can be for a purpose. the book.
I feel I am just adapting to endless shifts and changes.
Plenty other things too. i wonder if i ever documented that last Sunday Seadly had another stroke and is supposedly without voice, speech and perhaps comprehension. Michelle saw him in the hospital today/ To speak of shifts reminded me of him. How we found out was through a call from Wayne, Michelle's husband...Not Roslyn our family and cousin. There was a time when no such thing would have occurred. But i suspect Roslyn has it in for Marjorie for supporting Margaret in getting the house/ I swear people are so fucked up in the head And there is no end to people's greed and grab. But no one has called us from that family Nor has anyone here called them. Things shift and change/
Today was wild too. I dont know where it came from but I had a passive epiphany where it seemed I let pass from me any need to be connected romantically with anyone I have met, who i have held such hopes and intentions. It seems I also released the need to find such among the din, the crowd the melee. It was a recognition of the futility of believing in the heights of people, as well as seeing the stories of people's lives and realizing you really do not fit in . They are all crowded. Their lives. Crowded: and the stories and the pictures sometimes go together, sometimes not. and trying to figure out what, you just stop and say.. how useless. And so you give up the ghost. I felt that today.
A lot of hours I pass now in silence.
then today i was challenged for being on the sidelines. Not taking action. Not being an activist. and Not being the army as one as I claim. . It was an interesting moment. At first i thought i was being attacked, but even if so, I just chose to engage it on another level...to give it legitimacy and to recognize if i was nobody to this person she would not be even spending time. So lets see what is there to mine. But I think about it now. I am in a place where most bristle at me, malign me, negate and admonish me and I am to engage them, fight for them, with and on their behalf? Really?
But more importantly, I have serious issues about this place, about the retardation of processes, people, consciousness, progress and i do not see any action on my part as of any value, legitimacy, difference. It is all futile. i say that. The powers flowing in a different opposing direction is far more powerful.
But i did take note that there are those who think my voice is absent from the landscape. That is saying something. Big.
Day 353 has been brimming over
I woke up after only about six hours of sleep. The night/day/morning started from the evening prior where I met JCharles to talk about my idea for an alternative carnival fete, Champagne and Cheesecake. That in his ears and hands turned into a carnival fete: "Champagne & Cheesecake..."Carnivale" a different Dimanche Gras! Tell me what you think! (4 photos)" ...he posted on his page. I saw it and was equal measure happy and proud for it meant he felt the idea legitimate to new heights and levels, but i was also concerned that this idea might be swiped from my hands. But it was him and his cousin I spent the evening into night with...at Jenny's, at a hole in the wall for karaoke, at the Savannah for pan and then home by about three. And it was that hour that Wade Stewart wills was losing his life.
After evening limes with his regulars, Wade reportedly, "went on a beat" I gather a beat has something to do with a pretty girl and opportunities, perhaps. He supposedly fell asleep at the wheel and him and his passenger, the girl with as yet no name and clearly no interest for at the 'memoria'l for him at his job tonight, the girl was never mentioned. in fact no one would have known there was another body in the vehicle; so invisible she is... But both of them . He took her with him...died on impact. A CEO of Trinidad Tobago Entertainment Company.
Upon waking this was the news i got from my friend Rennie who was Wade's good friend. I just returned from the memorial wake leaving Rennie there...
But the day upon hearing the news, seemed to be jam packed full of energy and never got quiet or settled. It was one thing, many things, banal things, things of heights -pondering life and death...laundry, sewing, planning with my HeadHunter who is really a gift DGalt...
But i come home feeling some kind of way.. A way about my friendship with Rennie. In a quiet resolve of no resistance to anything. Recognition that all things fade away: friends, lives and life. Rennie was serving everyone there tonight drinks; acting like a host. I came with him, drove him and he never once offered me the same courtesy. When I wasked him what was that about he gave some bullshit lame response that I was there before everyone. and i am driving. and I lime, drink alcohol and drive with Rennie all the time. My response was, "that is your response and you sticking with it? And I got up went to the bathroom and was ready to go And not as I was upset, but I literally am not friends with anyone there. I am not tight or connected. I actually just blanked one of his friends, which I kind of feel bad about as I left without saying good bye since she was like, you all are taking me home...but I had enough. It was not my place. That is it. That sentence resonates. That was not my place. It was not my people of place, and the one person who was my link acted as if I was a stranger even to him..
It spurs me to write of the day when I did not consider to do so any moment before.
The other part of the day in the back of my mind is pondering about what Chase and John have decided about backing and participating in my event to make it happen. They were supposed to meet today to discuss it. I imagine John posted that link for feedback before the meeting. But at the time I thought it was after. I am supposed to meet with them tomorrow so will see.
It made me think of ways to protect myself. At least the ideas and process and interactions have been documented here. The many people i pithed participation to: Rennie as a matter of fact. He was the first one I asked to be the event manager. Deborah, I asked her to be the face of the event. KLangton, supposedly, an "event specialist" i asked. All of them said they would get back to me and did not. Have not. and I have contacted, followed up or pursued any of them. It feels great not to do so.
It also feels good that i have come to the conclusion of when I feel full and need to download, I can do that here on this blog. in this 2013 writing pages, filling days. and remove myself from doing so on fb. There is too much charge there. There are too many judgements, eyes, and castigations. And no need for me to continue writing even though I did so under the guise of to myself, Here it really is to myself with no empty craven cannibalistic voyeurs. And here it can be for a purpose. the book.
I feel I am just adapting to endless shifts and changes.
Plenty other things too. i wonder if i ever documented that last Sunday Seadly had another stroke and is supposedly without voice, speech and perhaps comprehension. Michelle saw him in the hospital today/ To speak of shifts reminded me of him. How we found out was through a call from Wayne, Michelle's husband...Not Roslyn our family and cousin. There was a time when no such thing would have occurred. But i suspect Roslyn has it in for Marjorie for supporting Margaret in getting the house/ I swear people are so fucked up in the head And there is no end to people's greed and grab. But no one has called us from that family Nor has anyone here called them. Things shift and change/
Today was wild too. I dont know where it came from but I had a passive epiphany where it seemed I let pass from me any need to be connected romantically with anyone I have met, who i have held such hopes and intentions. It seems I also released the need to find such among the din, the crowd the melee. It was a recognition of the futility of believing in the heights of people, as well as seeing the stories of people's lives and realizing you really do not fit in . They are all crowded. Their lives. Crowded: and the stories and the pictures sometimes go together, sometimes not. and trying to figure out what, you just stop and say.. how useless. And so you give up the ghost. I felt that today.
A lot of hours I pass now in silence.
then today i was challenged for being on the sidelines. Not taking action. Not being an activist. and Not being the army as one as I claim. . It was an interesting moment. At first i thought i was being attacked, but even if so, I just chose to engage it on another level...to give it legitimacy and to recognize if i was nobody to this person she would not be even spending time. So lets see what is there to mine. But I think about it now. I am in a place where most bristle at me, malign me, negate and admonish me and I am to engage them, fight for them, with and on their behalf? Really?
But more importantly, I have serious issues about this place, about the retardation of processes, people, consciousness, progress and i do not see any action on my part as of any value, legitimacy, difference. It is all futile. i say that. The powers flowing in a different opposing direction is far more powerful.
But i did take note that there are those who think my voice is absent from the landscape. That is saying something. Big.
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