Wednesday January 9 2013
357 Days of Life, How are you Filling it
i really did not want to rise up out of slumber but so many thoughts flood my mind at the moment.
firstly, all night i tossed to get to some snuggle comfort in my bed. and at first i said, i am now sleeping in this bed as if someone else is in it, on one side; for before, i used to sleep slap dab in the middle, but i think there is a hole there, and i have discomfort in my abdomen due to my fibroids grown back after my last surgery in 2007, and that being my third surgery overall for a woman trying to preserve her fertility to have children for whom she has nine or eleven names carded and approaching fortyeight in a few weeks and nary one of those children here or apparently on their way since no man, mate, love, donor or sex partner exists. I may have to do like Staceyann Chin and make my child by myself. Something i never wanted to do.
but it was only just now that i found the right way to lie down. on my belly, with a pillow under my torso reaching to my legs. and then it occurs to me too that the weight and discomfort i felt last night, for i was hot too was the recognition that it is that time in the cosmic cycle of me huggins --an elevated body temperature in preparation for menustration. then i thought how easy and better it would be if women knew where they were and did what was necessary to up comfort or alleviate discomfort, the riding of the cycle would be a happier experience. that led me to a bigger thought. by the time i got to the perfect position, i realized, wow. and felt th eneed and imagined me comforting and caressing myself as a loving mother would do, as a doting grandmother would do, as a caring lover would. caressing the head and cheeks and just lying close. I imagined that for me, to me, by me. it is not the first time.
but that led me to the first thought: to pose to men: when last have you caressed a woman's body. it made me realize that men fuck and sex women all the time. they never touch women, except to hold, slap or position her. they dont really caress anymore. but i think they used to no? when i was younger i seem to remember such some encounters. now it is absent. and i saw myself writing it, instructing it>
to spoon a woman, to have the hand on the bed under your head as if in a prop. and your other hand holding her hand. caressing it as it is held. do you know how to do that? it is close to the practice of how people move metal balls in their palms to increase agility. you do the same thing with someone else's fingers, but slowly, meditatively. then you move to her forehand and arm and caress, rub, pass it down, move it up, feel her arms and structure. her muscles or lack there of. get to her shoulder and with the back of your hand, pass it gently from the ear to the shoulder, at the neck. use the back of your fingers and rub her chest. not her breast, but her decoutege* the area under her neck atop her breast. then go back to her hand, and get to her leg, her thigh and by this time you will have to either stop with love or move yourself and go into straight love caress massage mode and do the rest: her thigh, her calves, her feet, and then the other side, and then ask if she wishes to get her back rubbed..all in cool, soft, gentle touching feeling conveying moods that is not sexual at all. but just loving and caring. the kind of massage you would give a baby when you are lotioning or oiling their body but just doing it for a long time, each part. and then her feet.
and that got me to thinking . now that i live in the caribbean where so many feet are exposed for the climate, i realize the extent to which people ignore their feet completely. i am flabbergasted how it is people can take baths and showers and never wash their damn feet. but they dont. it is ignored. and so you have these crusty feet with telltale signs. the nail bed is encrusted in dead skin and cuticle. it is overly dry and flaked because it has been there like that for decades. it is white, or embedded brown at the sole. i even had a guy seeing the bottom of my feet on a chair once ask me, if i ever use my feet. that was errol fabien. and that response indicates what i am explaining. the other thing is that therefore, folk never lotion or oil their feet either. apportion and relative to this is folk never scrub their feet and they never scrub their feet because it would appear that a lot of people bathe here but most do not scrub their skin. the telltale sign, dark discolored necks, dirty towels upon wiping dry...the body or its skin has not been sloughed...all thoughts i had this morning...it is hard massaging someone's feet that is in that or any state of uncleanliness. seems to me to defeat the purpose. and on some poignant level proves how hard it is to receive the love we may want. we make it hard or oppose it by our own laziness, or oversight or shoddiness?
but i had bigger insights last night
i also somehow thought of my grannie, perhaps in this whole massaging women thing . for if a woman is not in a relationship with a man, or paying to be massaged in love, and i realize there is no one you can go to to get such loving caresses as a service. makes me think i can consider offering it..but it is only grandmothers who would do that to their grown up and growing grand children. i remember my grandmother used to massage and caress me as a child when i visited and slept with her. she would rub my leg and arms. i am amazed, i think she was a treat and a gem gone too soon . so i thought of her dying and realized, think, now theorize...that when old people, some> get alzheimers in particular, or start to forget themselves and seem to mentally deteriorate...I think it is due to a trauma. i mean today, this morning, I am believing that it was daddy's and my family;s return home to tortuga and taking over my grandmother's house, which my father rebuilt before they came home and moved/shifted her out of her life as she lived it, and the loss of her space as she had it that made it no longer hers, is a push out and off this earth and life. and i think before that the person is traumatized. and moreso for my grandmother because evidently there was disheartening and comfort between them and my fucked up fathers response was to ice my grandmother out and I could imagine the extreme disbelief and cross that must have been for her and so she just dropped out as she tried to cope. and then i heard of her and alzheimers or some such but i dont think it was ever really that i think it was here trying, reaching struggling out to find some place safe lacking in the physical that she sought in the mental to exist, and thus the lost hold on reality and doing things like bathrooming the bed. but i think that was all trauma done to her by my father and that was the result. she withered away mentally and died. my grandmother was a boss woman/ i think she was sixtyfive years older than I.. for i think she was 80 when she died and i was about twenty five. she was a boss baker and head lover of all, and especially children. and she knew herbs. Ruth Huggins. so i am telling you do not traumatize your old people . coddle them care for them, leave them alone and do not upturn their homes. i have seen this twice now in my life. Carl did it to Ruth and she died. Marjorie did it to Felix and he died. dont go rebuilding their homes or nothing. leave them so. this is what i saw.
i now pause to wonder what else i had to write on: feet, massages, old people trauma and alzheimers, and women knowing their cycles and being loved. i think that is it.
357 Days of Life, How are you Filling it
i really did not want to rise up out of slumber but so many thoughts flood my mind at the moment.
firstly, all night i tossed to get to some snuggle comfort in my bed. and at first i said, i am now sleeping in this bed as if someone else is in it, on one side; for before, i used to sleep slap dab in the middle, but i think there is a hole there, and i have discomfort in my abdomen due to my fibroids grown back after my last surgery in 2007, and that being my third surgery overall for a woman trying to preserve her fertility to have children for whom she has nine or eleven names carded and approaching fortyeight in a few weeks and nary one of those children here or apparently on their way since no man, mate, love, donor or sex partner exists. I may have to do like Staceyann Chin and make my child by myself. Something i never wanted to do.
but it was only just now that i found the right way to lie down. on my belly, with a pillow under my torso reaching to my legs. and then it occurs to me too that the weight and discomfort i felt last night, for i was hot too was the recognition that it is that time in the cosmic cycle of me huggins --an elevated body temperature in preparation for menustration. then i thought how easy and better it would be if women knew where they were and did what was necessary to up comfort or alleviate discomfort, the riding of the cycle would be a happier experience. that led me to a bigger thought. by the time i got to the perfect position, i realized, wow. and felt th eneed and imagined me comforting and caressing myself as a loving mother would do, as a doting grandmother would do, as a caring lover would. caressing the head and cheeks and just lying close. I imagined that for me, to me, by me. it is not the first time.
but that led me to the first thought: to pose to men: when last have you caressed a woman's body. it made me realize that men fuck and sex women all the time. they never touch women, except to hold, slap or position her. they dont really caress anymore. but i think they used to no? when i was younger i seem to remember such some encounters. now it is absent. and i saw myself writing it, instructing it>
to spoon a woman, to have the hand on the bed under your head as if in a prop. and your other hand holding her hand. caressing it as it is held. do you know how to do that? it is close to the practice of how people move metal balls in their palms to increase agility. you do the same thing with someone else's fingers, but slowly, meditatively. then you move to her forehand and arm and caress, rub, pass it down, move it up, feel her arms and structure. her muscles or lack there of. get to her shoulder and with the back of your hand, pass it gently from the ear to the shoulder, at the neck. use the back of your fingers and rub her chest. not her breast, but her decoutege* the area under her neck atop her breast. then go back to her hand, and get to her leg, her thigh and by this time you will have to either stop with love or move yourself and go into straight love caress massage mode and do the rest: her thigh, her calves, her feet, and then the other side, and then ask if she wishes to get her back rubbed..all in cool, soft, gentle touching feeling conveying moods that is not sexual at all. but just loving and caring. the kind of massage you would give a baby when you are lotioning or oiling their body but just doing it for a long time, each part. and then her feet.
and that got me to thinking . now that i live in the caribbean where so many feet are exposed for the climate, i realize the extent to which people ignore their feet completely. i am flabbergasted how it is people can take baths and showers and never wash their damn feet. but they dont. it is ignored. and so you have these crusty feet with telltale signs. the nail bed is encrusted in dead skin and cuticle. it is overly dry and flaked because it has been there like that for decades. it is white, or embedded brown at the sole. i even had a guy seeing the bottom of my feet on a chair once ask me, if i ever use my feet. that was errol fabien. and that response indicates what i am explaining. the other thing is that therefore, folk never lotion or oil their feet either. apportion and relative to this is folk never scrub their feet and they never scrub their feet because it would appear that a lot of people bathe here but most do not scrub their skin. the telltale sign, dark discolored necks, dirty towels upon wiping dry...the body or its skin has not been sloughed...all thoughts i had this morning...it is hard massaging someone's feet that is in that or any state of uncleanliness. seems to me to defeat the purpose. and on some poignant level proves how hard it is to receive the love we may want. we make it hard or oppose it by our own laziness, or oversight or shoddiness?
but i had bigger insights last night
i also somehow thought of my grannie, perhaps in this whole massaging women thing . for if a woman is not in a relationship with a man, or paying to be massaged in love, and i realize there is no one you can go to to get such loving caresses as a service. makes me think i can consider offering it..but it is only grandmothers who would do that to their grown up and growing grand children. i remember my grandmother used to massage and caress me as a child when i visited and slept with her. she would rub my leg and arms. i am amazed, i think she was a treat and a gem gone too soon . so i thought of her dying and realized, think, now theorize...that when old people, some> get alzheimers in particular, or start to forget themselves and seem to mentally deteriorate...I think it is due to a trauma. i mean today, this morning, I am believing that it was daddy's and my family;s return home to tortuga and taking over my grandmother's house, which my father rebuilt before they came home and moved/shifted her out of her life as she lived it, and the loss of her space as she had it that made it no longer hers, is a push out and off this earth and life. and i think before that the person is traumatized. and moreso for my grandmother because evidently there was disheartening and comfort between them and my fucked up fathers response was to ice my grandmother out and I could imagine the extreme disbelief and cross that must have been for her and so she just dropped out as she tried to cope. and then i heard of her and alzheimers or some such but i dont think it was ever really that i think it was here trying, reaching struggling out to find some place safe lacking in the physical that she sought in the mental to exist, and thus the lost hold on reality and doing things like bathrooming the bed. but i think that was all trauma done to her by my father and that was the result. she withered away mentally and died. my grandmother was a boss woman/ i think she was sixtyfive years older than I.. for i think she was 80 when she died and i was about twenty five. she was a boss baker and head lover of all, and especially children. and she knew herbs. Ruth Huggins. so i am telling you do not traumatize your old people . coddle them care for them, leave them alone and do not upturn their homes. i have seen this twice now in my life. Carl did it to Ruth and she died. Marjorie did it to Felix and he died. dont go rebuilding their homes or nothing. leave them so. this is what i saw.
i now pause to wonder what else i had to write on: feet, massages, old people trauma and alzheimers, and women knowing their cycles and being loved. i think that is it.
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