ode to cedric orlando buckley

sick fuck lame dick mfers will have ex wives who want them destroyed. . it goes with the territory, all the pieces fit and link like a rubix cube,
everything become signs unexposed except to the wizened one
the sketchy, jumpy, spotty, marginal academic not a career,
the make believe country hick relief police,
the delusions of grandeur
the lies
the neglected untrained deficit boy children
and potential investors who leave scampering when they realize the pathology of the individual

i mean, the cracked windshield, patched together, trunk brimming dirty filthy junk car encapsulates everything about such a character and their pathetic life.
they are such ignorant dogs they did not know they who they say the could and would save, was actually living the life of sand, sea, palm trees and the lime of riley
when my disgust extends to innocent children you know you are below the septic tank
#dontgoorlando
#thethemeparkoffakebrokendownrides
#flashbackofaclosecall
#uglynigga
#truthandtellcommisssion
i will preach the gospel, and testify since my friend said to me last night, things are finally turning around for you.
you shall not escape quietly into silence
your wet paper of respectability will be destroyed
and you owe charmagne money you louse

 i was and am not that badly off
but you my dear are the big reveal: Pathetic

`
i imagine the family is a replica and expansion of the glass menagerie... a range of wobbly mentally ill sick folk who pretend they are all well/ replete with a niece involved in fraudulent financial arrangements and all remain silent and act as if nothing is happening as shits hit the fan
#classicmadness

Time and Chance

{what will become of me?}
is the thought i had before I awakened, feeling a how, of vulnerability, perhaps shame?, embarrassment for one who does not get embarrassed, whatever the sensation was it was of the idea that I should not have ever had to ask that question in the life I thought of who i was and what i was living.
but i do,
for so many reasons it is unbelievable
even if I did not have to ask for my own independent context and condition of languishing in unemployment, and how long can i do that on a boutique celebrity, leisure life standard> it has been six years now, and ongoing. and i am and have grown tired of the scenes, the faces, the location. how people do the exact same thing, all year round, on a cycle, for their whole life time is beyond my capacity to embrace.
when will my situation breakthrough to a new dispensation, reality and experience, to elevate, evolve, become...more , different and better? "what will become of me?"
but just last night alone,
a woman in my neighborhood who would lime with us from time to time, she is a party hard, older lady, she goes all out on her lonesome, not caring of anything or anyone. seems she was in st. ann's for nerves. she just said hospital to me, I guess i missed the clues, and everyone called her mad prior, but not me, I just thought she was a bit of her own vibration. well she is worse now. she hardly moves her neck and face and lips. she is stiff. she does not smile. she was asking us to buy her food. and said she had to eat it out cause her family will wonder where she got money from, and that struck me. to live so. but what was odd is that she could not open bags, and caps for her self, so see me there are matron, setting out her food, cleaning up after her and when she was leaving she was so grateful and said thank you so many times. and i had to tell the folk around, be compassionate , cause they were screwing up face, asking why she liming and sitting with us. trinidadians always on a scene boy. then an old man looking on said her father long time did not like black people in the area, she is a reds. sigh. so many dynamics people live and labor under. so many stories. and i wonder how she might be paying for the sins of her father. "what will become of me?"
then as I think of the legitimacy of that question, I think of Darron, a post of Ozy from mid july resurfaced and the last person to like it was Darron, so his name is prominent, and i flash back in time to the days and see how he was alive and moving, and then in a matter of days or weeks, who knew he would be no more. that is a peculiar thought to me. to look hindsight and count back the time/
the idea that you are living and vibrant today and may be gone dead cold tomorrow. that. "what will become of me?"
and it is not just him. valerie belgrave . at seventy. so many people are lost to their old age, dont get a chance to have it. I find that is another form of life robbery. just like children who die are robbed of life? then mature people who die too young are robbed of old age and that season, and purpose and role. and it is not just them that are lost, the future and next generation are for a greater deficit for their absence. in the last days chronicles, does it say that people will be lost of their wisdom years, to be crone and old man? "what will become of me?"
liming with people complaining about zika, in the midst height and throes of it, with red eyes, couples who probably have not accepted that it is said to be sexually transmitted.and i wonder what of these people ...to be walking around as living carriers even as they appear healthy and well. is scary as shit. it is the ignorance that i see that stuns me, for its possible unfoldings.."what will become of me?"
what will become of me>
good morning

Truth, Damnation, Reconciliation and Resignation

"you have impressive qualifications, but to be honest you have the wrong color, and you're a female, so expect problems."

[Aneka Nicole

12 hrs ·

"Years ago, when I just graduated from University (undergrad), I worked in the POS city corporation's office as a relief draughtsman, in the city engineer's office.

(well i didn't draw shit, but that is besides the point) One morning while reading books on construction contract law, that i brought with me to pass time in the office, the chief valuator observed my book, came over and asked about my qualifications. needless to say we ended up having very long conversations on a daily basis. I guess he felt he wanted to enlighten me.

one of the things i remember him saying was "you have impressive qualifications, but to be honest you have the wrong color, and you're a female, so expect problems." well...heh.

One of the more interesting conversations I had with him related to property ownership in the CBD of port of spain, and by extension expansion into suburbs of newtown and woodbrook. it was eye opening, and revealed to me the status quo of this country, why it is the way it is, and why it would possibly never ever change.

now i see a whole lot of debates on fb, opinions of all kinds, and guess what? the narrative has not changed one bit. it flows through every single thing. it feels kinda like that scene in the matrix when the morpheus and neo have the red pill, blue pill discussion.

for a oligarchy to exist, there must be a permanent underclass to feed it. give some the illusion of upward mobility and you keep the masses just where you want them."

which spurred me to respond thusly:

{ the cost to country and in personal lives due to this is mindblown, and pisses me off not that it happens but so many of us sit back and watch this shit happen and say and do nothing, often refusing to help when we could}

because i see the hypocrisy of people/ i see people who could help and choose not to. who could stand in and say this is not right, or better yet, when you have the power to change, stop and hire someone so they are not bastardized despite their investments and attempts to being functional in a society

and right after this post, is this...this is what i am talking about.

-------------

[Justin Phelps

16 hrs · San Juan, Trinidad and Tobago ·

"About 15 years ago I lost many friends because I thought, and said, that an anti-crime initiative formed after a murder in Westmoorings was selfish,hypocritical and prejudiced, because the people forming it had been silent about murders occurring everywhere else in the country. I probably lost a client or two as well. I was right then, and I'm right now. God forbid they kill a 9 year old in Westmoorings tonight. I happened to read this this morning: "It is the good fortune of many to live distant from the scene of sorrow; the evil is not sufficiently brought to their doors to make them feel...." Trinidadians need to start taking everything that affects other Trinidadians personally. Then we will see change. Or just wait until it reaches your door, which it will, rightly."]

----------------

third interesting status in a matter of minutes. all sequentially flowing in my stream

["...so the apocalypse is somewhat bearable. And at least I get to eat chocolate in the process."

Jill Lian Goddard

2 hrs ·

"What made us civilized humans so dumb in the particular flavor of today? What made us swallow, with such enthusiasm, any bull that corporations and politicians and religious leaders hand us? 'Open your mouth' they say. And obediently, without so much as a blink, we chew and gulp plastic, packaged health products, trends, celebrities, branding and a set of stuff which, while it may be fun and the way we adults play, can't really be taken seriously can it? I watch myself incredulously while I purchase byproducts of industries, especially the petroleum industry which will sell us ANYTHING to not have waste that is uncommercialized. I see people, whom I know and love, producing and peddling this snake oil and making sure that the industries run efficiently in their destruction.

How do I step off? Are the zero waste, produce/consume local, chemical free food production systems in which I participate enough? Are the groups that I form, organizations which I lead, visions that I develop, projects that I undertake enough to balance the destructive Great Wall of Civilization that others nonchalantly construct as they go about their day?

I think not. I am resigned to the collapse not because I'm a doomsayer but because I have a small amount of intelligence and logic still at my disposal. But massive crashes are better than crashes that resonate to infinity. (And do I need to include a kitten/dolphin/baby picture so that FB's algorithm allows this post to be seen and some of you bother to read it?)

Off to an exciting day building resilience for all my lovely fellow Caribbean human and non-human beings so the apocalypse is somewhat bearable. And at least I get to eat chocolate in the process."

==============

it is Jillian's last line and few words that give me context to the two previous posts.

I read: the apocalypse is here. one of its indicators are those like me, who spent blood sweat tears and youth to become and make something out of a raw self, only for it to be despised, resented, spit on, maligned and sidelined. almost a life destroyed if you let it, if you dont confer something else, even if that is doing nothing but navel gazing, dreaming, conjuring, liming, interacting, engaging..no productivity that earns you a living or income. no home of your own, no studio to make your creations and innovations... but you do what you can and must to make it bearable"

How does one stream provide this much perfection in sequence?

And we not done yet. Aneka still writing

The Truth of my life in Trinidad. The statement of the malaise by the privileged. And it is funny to me, cause i read the commentary and the posts and I wonder if people are aware enough to integrate and include aspects that are so easily overlooked. Like would Justin realize part of his post concerns the professionally skilled yet unemployed, or is it as I have experienced, folk only know and notice about that after it happens to them, never seeing it before. and like i said, I pass through many who could have done or said or offered something and chose not to, silence instead.

Very interesting

And then the statement of the truth of my coping.

i love moments of integration

Eddie Maven and Art Studio Dreams

Maven Huggins

5 hrs ·

feel like i am standing on the edge, literal edge of a precipice, by my twinkle toes, and reaching out into the vastness beyond me, and just right after my fingertips is my breakthrough...of and for everything I want
but. but . but...

Edward Bowen: " too much energy now spent in the minutae cognitive analyses of that "precipice of possibility", go get a studio and in that breakthrough creative disciplined space, jump the fuck off the precipice into the vastness - lock down that intelligence and bring that energy into concentrated disciplined thinking mind mapping creating, painting, planning publishing writing connecting , "making", it is office laboratory kitchen one room one small house - go get that space and do not look back"

Maven Huggins pay for it with my good looks

Edward Bowen: " no excuses, plan, visualize it, go get it, the money comes as the vision is brought ever stronger into focus - if it's a combination of looks, charm, lock down a space for a couple years, make a body or two or work and sell that individuality, as it is made and as you plan it so"

Edward Bowen this is what artists do

Maven Huggins i do thank you for keeping pushing me though. I do. love you for it!@

Edward Bowen: " you're an artist, get to work, the thinking never stops, link it to processes to produce "things" of art, "stuff" - plan it - many a lesser able mortal has done it, lock down an apartment at a reasonable rent, turn the whole place into a studio with bed in a corner, small eating cooking facilities, lights water, fill it up with what you make, invite your people, network that interior buzz. You have analyzed this environment, this life, for nigh thirty years, now turn all this into art and creative product, sell it, and as Kwesi Powers Juice Stewart and I used to remind each other, "make a million"! Why the fuck not, got anything else to do? All that altruism of sincere thought, bring that home into the laboratory and fuse it, compress it, boil it the fuk down, squeeze it together and see what comes out"

Maven Huggins i did see an apt i want. it is $8500.lol

i wish i could print this page

 Edward Bowen: " nah, too expensive, get a large two bed or small three bedroom house/apartment in your area or around PoS general area for 6000 if you look in papers hard enuff"

Maven Huggins: " do you know, I think it was this morning or yesterday I woke up with the idea to sell everything I have: my estate as it were, my trove of writings: poetry, essays, journals, recipe books, the art on the walls, the unframed ones, my ancestry jewelry, my memoir, my collection of photos, my travelogues...for a few million as it is all raw material for films, books, essays, giving raw content to be made into something, brands, products

and using that money to do just this: studio and to fly...

but of course that was a dream. cause what person will presume value of that material, unless they are so zeitgeist and magical to see what as yet does not exist?"Edward Bowen: " save that 2 grand for utitlities water lights transport communications"

Edward Bowen : "sift thru all that stuff and have a sale at your new studio, generate some cash - most of that stuff you have/describe above, cannot be sold realistically or in a hurry to kickstart"

Maven Huggins: "that 8500 was to live on a mountain side and look over the ocean\/ but yeah $ for utilities would be better if delusional me wasnt dreaming of fantasies if the car would sell that would be a start"



Edward Bowen: " not a ? of "if", count your losses, sell the fucking thing as is, get the money flowing, don't analyze, don't look back"



FUND ME?

Sell Everything Disney Stories

I wake up as if i had not slept for days prior. serious slumber

and feeling as if i can go back to sleep/ but as soon as I wake, the thought occurs to me that i should sell everything i own, but not like a normal sale...a sale to some one monied, a patron, an agent of some kind, connected to other talent and institutions that can make something with it. it was all my legacy jewelry. and the more i think about it now, the more i really feel a lot needs to be broken, ended/ let these new beings go on into the lives they wish to build, but let them do it with not a sliver of who came before them./ they have no knowledge of them anyway, and their every being is against the value systems of the earlier generations.

though in recent weeks margaret has taken to tell me how my mother broke the "pristineness" of our family by having a child out of wedlock, and her father, the literal overbearing, all controlling throne and patriarch of the family, went against his own mythology, his own iron fist, his own sternness as the big police serious man that he was and accepted her, it , me and told her she dont need to bother about my father, he dont need to be part of this family (my father was on shit i believe. i dont know. i was not there, he did tell me he waited for me to be born to know if i was his though. told me that in my teens and of course he proved to me to be on prime shit)...and so margaret says after marina, there were others, marjorie, merle. and now mandy has reached the pinnacle of two children, two fathers, two different names...all the things unheard of in this family, and i heard how margaret was just imposing and widening her sense of what she was taught. and likewise me, grew up knowing that was not possible or the things to do though my own mother did the exact same. all weird actually. cause if i could go back and change my life, I would have two children, two different fathers, but i am also glad, standing here, i dont. its like i want the children, and would wish to change that, but dont prefer to have the conditions under wish they were presented. that too is weird and complicated.

but just as i pine for children now at this stage,

I have some kind of feelings about my lineage, and the blessings of theirs i have now in my possession, I see it need not be passed on or distributed to anyone. i am making the call that would be a further negation of truths that I hold dear. and indicate all the things that have died in these last sixteen or so years, or even longer.

but the sale and money.

i at first thought of a million for my writings and like $500K for the jewelry. but I realize that is way too cheap. if it was produced.

my one book, Ant Bites alone, its memoir. then turned into a movie.

Then my decades long of journals from 1990 and my travelogue.

Then my books, chaps, and compilations of poetry, there are nine volumes. My UNPost.org blog and all my other professional essays published. Then my dissertation. Someone else can rewrite that right now and do damn good by integrating all the revolutions these intervening years. published book for sure that would do well internationally. Then there is my art and all that can be done with it, via ArtPost. school, paper and stationery products. Then my cache of photographs. OMG> I even underestimated the trove

This has got to be a good $5-$7 million TT

it is just raw material. like gold, ore and oil

and what it can be turned into is where the money is at.

How about that?

the world has gotten to the point of buying genius, creativity, brand and competence in raw form, 

and i think to sell these things as It has been on my mind for many years: what to do with my life works. Things arent happening for me. I do not have children to pass them on to and even then, they might be trifling despite all i tell and teach them and be like all others and frivol away what they are given, i think even just like me. I frivoled away a lot of money in my youth. thinking I would always have and surely generate.

it was an idea to just dispense with it now and not after i am gone.

to make and find use of it now even if it is dollars to continue living

and now i think, if i was able to do that in any way at all, it would be the money to go on, live quietly, even have a child if i so choose, living very modestly, we being bush people, nature people, builders, nothing spectacular, no scenes, just survivalist mode and function...my child growing their own food, knowing how to build homes, running electricity, building sewage systems.  making valuable the sun and the wind. simple

 it is how i emerge from sleep with answers

whether they manifest among the lessers, that is an entirely different question

Laws, Attraction and Vacuity

i rolled my eyes all through reading this but the truth is several of the points are true for me., right now

i have found money twice this past week

you know i see 11:11 and 1:11 all the time

like i just had to adjust my time and the correct time according to cable was 11:11

my intuition is on fire: i look at people in scenarios and situations and can read a silent dynamic or the backdrop story, or can see the end of an engagement. like i did friday, watching a female friend of mine and her new beau. they not gonna last long. i also read a storyline that a mutual friend later confirmed.

i remember too an incident when i first met mark. I had gone down south to deliver an original prayer I wrote for a book reading and signing at sapa. and after I was done, opened my phone precisely looking for a call from mark, and in that instant , phone in hand, he called, but i was so deranged and confused, I thought i pressed the call button and immediately hung up. it was one of the incidents that started our sever...he thought i hung up on him and i never got a chance to tell him what really happened. how odd is that. this weekend before this article, I was thinking if this was another proof that i am being spiritually blocked, if i do in fact have a spirit attachment that blocks my life in various ways. this scenario and experience with this particular person is one such point in the scheme of that theory.

my totems appear all the time:

my owl flew by afar off from me at dusk on friday, i was able to point to it, i thought it was a hawk, but my friend said, that is the owl. now i need glasses eh. then tonight at my cousin's house, his wife bought their toddler daughter, Reagan, a turtle!

i see rainbows all the time, but I would like to see so do other people, even stevie

my sleep is largely restful. but last night i had one crazy ass horror of a dream, and could not figure out why. i and a whole bunch of people saw my close girlfriend get her throat slit by a man in a park like adam smith square but a bit bigger. she was fussing for something, and people were trying to tell her to hush and one of the people in the crowd, who was known to her and us, just moved next to her, threatened her wtihout saying a word, holding an open old fashioned huge shaving blade close to her face, and before she could comply, he calmly moved the blade across her neck and everyone scattered. even me. started running, but i saw the slit as clear as day though i was fairly far away. i immediately woke and tried to figure out what the fucking hell was that. I have and had no answer. i dont usually have scary dreams, never anything this graphic. it was crazy. i tried to think if it was all that lamb I ate at dinner at 8:30 but that was not that late.

now what has not happened and does not happen is the synchronicity. I dont meet people who are in my vibe, and certainly not any who can do anything for or with me, and if you cue the post i wrote 40 mins ago, on "I have no understanding...", you will see how it fits perfectly into this dilemma.

if i am so powerful, and in tune, and I am, why is my life in such disarray , so far out and off from my highest vibration and appearing/functioning/self fulfillment, getting all my desires, even if just a few of them. but for me, none comes, except I seem to be this perfect specimen of complexity getting ever fat is all

http://sarahprout.com/7-signs-that-the-law-of-attraction-is-working-for-you

Family Clan OUTING

i have no understanding of why or the worth to be wise, develop wisdom, have a keen sense of observation, seeing human nature after I lived in a bubble of ignorance and naivete.

none at all.

but i see things

what goes around does indeed come around

people do and dont do for others cause they just dont care . dont care about the person, dont care about right, wrong or morality

i see the silence and participation of others out of cowardice

i see people standing for nothing and if you have the balls to state what is wrong, folk will rage at you.

i see how twisted people are, and they make assertions on others not based on the person at all, but on their madness. projection

it is like folk create a scenario in their head, singularly, and act on it, thereupon building conflict and confrontation, when the person they project onto is oblivious and clueless

and life is nothing but politics and dynamics based on the above and how much they lack pedigree, character or bravery

all that i saw today, and more

and i had nothing to do with any part, i was a mere observer,

in some cases i was the one projected on, but i was oblivious

only heard of the dynamics after the fact.

i read something today, i think it was a horoscope or a message from the day's star's alignment. oh. i remember what it was: it was one of those tarot cards gif that shuffle and when you press the button that is your reading, and i got cambio perspectiva. -= change your perspective..and i see the lesson all through my life. dramas are neither mine nor mine to mind. all life is like a stage, just like valentino sang and folk have their character to play, and by character i mean their soul, their behaviors, their dysfunction, their ugly, or their beauty of attentiveness and conscience. that I dont have to keep thinking i am on the outside, cause i am not. i am getting my ass kicked cause i am the god damn sent center. my light shines so bright...and it was only this weekend i reflected on how i grew up with an attitude and chip on my shoulder cause all my life, where ever i went folk would stare at me. and that shit used to piss me off, If i only knew, I would have smiled more, been in the world different, but that too, they sent me to live, so it is what it is.. so yeah, changed perspectives. the shit people drop at your door, aint yours. it not even your door, It was their way out that they locked and shut. It was that proverbial - their shit sent to the fan., spewing back onto themselves. it is so amusing, it would be a comedy if we did not take it so seriously, so perhaps that is my larger lesson. this life is a comedy of human disproportions. nothing grand happening here. no journey. no purpose. no function. just utter futility. but folk think, they , their stuff, their shit matters, and it dont. mine neither. nothing matters. the only thing is choice.

#familyclanouting