This Night's Moment in Time

so many things are running and filling my mind
from earlier on today
a feeling and sense of not living, having no purpose, no function/ just existence
and not one worthy of anything
For if i was called to account for the time, what will I, could I show
nothing

but it has also been a day full of my writings, and work in art creation
conscious creating, being a conscious creative; creating consciously
collecting my work, both professional and vocational into one place
here this blog, and i did feel a sense of accomplishment
I did sense that minding one's own business is indeed heady work

and then i watched this wonderful film this evening, titled, Mother and Child
and decided in addition of my world cruise to the Mediterranean for my fiftieth birthday,
i want a child, my first, for i am to have four with the names
Mercian, Maulana, Ma'At and Sage
then I wonder if the man will come. he has to come. he must be on his way
the one I will be madly in love; the one made for me, to match just this time, hour, function and fulfillment

then i just read this post about the moon and water, and movement and
how one is stuck if one is not moving in the right direction
and of course that gives me pause for that is my life: stuck and utter confusion as to my direction
though recently in the last week, I felt or got the message it was to follow Pa Neezer, Orisa Initiate
and to give my head

all the time just tryng to make sense of my no sense life
living day to day in what capacity, what gain
but it is all i have so i have no choice but to take it with grace and hope I love

then i also have thoughts that i am being prepared for greatness
that my trails, languishing and tribulation has all been to build the character
to manage the bounty that is coming

but the numbness of being where i am.trinidad
and constantly asking myself how to exist and coexist in this place
that is so challenging and undermining
i struggle to find space amidst all the noise and haste|
too much ugly to find human filtering while
watching my body develop allergies and succumb to vagaries..

my constant thought and muse of life and living