the Eagle Nebula
fitting that be the first thing i see when I turn on. When i come to document the last few hours
i stayed up all night, unplanned. i feel like shit. I went to bed at 4am watching a film, and reflecting, memorying...
fitting that be the first thing i see when I turn on. When i come to document the last few hours
i stayed up all night, unplanned. i feel like shit. I went to bed at 4am watching a film, and reflecting, memorying...
but i now wake from dreams, literal at the door. to the point when i
awakened and realized i needed to remember the last of the dream, not
thinking of the beginning of the dream to go back further enough to see
who were the first two old white men giving me my bidding, ....when i
tried to return, i literally felt as if psychically, i bumped into an
energy wall. as if i crossed over already, i have taken third
dimensional form so it was a hit and a squeeze to go back, but i got
back. Rennie was the friend who was there, who with someone else, got
impatient and left me, who when i went out to tell them goodbye and to
return to the first meeting, the men were gone. Note to self. Know which
side you need to show fealty, loyalty and unwavering attention. As i
write now, of those two men, the sense i get is that those are my three
guides. Craig never told me they were white. He just said they were my
guides from my planet, which had not yet been named and in recent times
it has been formed found and called, X. but somehow I keep and call in
my mind, Plaeides. dont know why...but in the dream, those men gave me
access when none are due nobodies. and i realize there is much in the
dream that i miissed and should have laid quietly, quieter trying to
gather. the other one was in charge at an airport? and wanted to charge
me for a flight and ground transport that got messed up. and somehow
things dissolved but i somehow knew that he rescinded the charges and
told them to put 8K on my card. I am going to look for that 8K
so when i woke up, i started musing from things yesterday. pieces of the puzzle, the nebula, so to speak coming to me as I travel through space, life and time. yesterday while mopping the steps of the workman debris my mom says to me, " look at Maria's grandchild" and i did not quite hear her, asked her what she said and why and she explained Mama used to make them, the children, my parents (I call all my aunts and uncles and my mother my parents- it was them in my grandfather';s house I was born to, it was them who made me the gold child i was and am, It is them who poisoned me from having children in the world for it is no use at all to bring any child in the world who cannot be so totally bathed, showered, and cornered with love, red carpet of love laid out for their every step), mop/scrub the steps. and i showed no response , i just said oh and smiled but immediately i said in my head, {oh, that is it, bingo- Mama was a no business no nonsense mother, and them three girls hated and resented her for the domestic champion and slave driver she was---i am just imagining from their perspectives, how they turned out and how they react...it is the key to the conflict...and the boys interpreted their mother very differently...they or at least one, my uncle and godfather Pat, Idolized her. but the woman eschewed everything and fiber she was as a domestic maternal housewife. I see it. And so here i land and come, apart from that exposure and history and emulate her to the nth degree and that is the source of the biggest conflict, that is the self and entity that is the glass mirrored wall and energy that has been opposing me. it is coming to clarity...
but for some reason this morning I was thinking about Mama in a different way...and so many pieces come to me: Philip Neimark's reading of me: "You primary ancestor is a STRONG woman from your mothers side." I now know that it is Maria. I had a reading once and it came up my grandfather, i know wonder about that, but think it is not impossible for both to be true...for just last night while washing dishes, I recalled i am the grandchild theat when to school daily on my grandfather's shoulders...Love and Regaling when I tell you... Then i think of reconnecting with Rufus was it last year? ago, and we spent hours on the phone from trinidad to nyc, only for us to say goodnight then the next morning he writes me and tells me/asks me: who is the woman in a blue dress she came to see me last night at work. she was just at a distance watching me and I was shocked...did not know who it was
But this morning I think of many of my paintings: of blue. and I think of a recent one that seemed to be of a Nun in a long habit and I long considered her Maria of the bible and she is in blue cape that expands out to her aura..I see think now that is Maria Bastaldo my grandmother. my cousin Vanessa dreamed of Mama...she came to visit her and told her Mother Mary-- something about her? was it to worship her? and when her birthday was and what her color. Vanessa had the presence of mind to tell her father, thank god that dream while Uncle Pat was living and he confirmed it all. And while I write that I think Mama is asking us to lift her up. worship her. Build her altar that was found in her house. Yes Mama I will as soon as I get my own again..
so it is she protecting me, and my biggest dream and astral travel was when i visited the ancestral village, thousands of people thick it seemed and i got to Mama and the first thing she said to me, :did they not tell you I have been asking.calling for you?" and I said no they did not tell me. This now, I realize it was in life, Mama was calling out to me as a child after I left/was taken as I cried out to her before she died. and lord knows what happened in the meantime, meanwhile when i was deaf and blind and unknown to such things and sciences...
but what brings it all home for me today are the pieces...so to return to the top and give you example, today this moment of what i contend with--- i hear my aunt calling my mom telling her she smells something burning. All last night I did not want to tell you of my obsession with food but two days earlier i seasoned, highly seasoned some goat and last night I decided I would make dhal and curry goat, with zaboca and lots of cucumber, brown rice...and so set peas to soak. I get up this morning to hear something burning. I sitting on my ass here all day, what is the rush to cook this early morning? I sitting on my ass here all day, would not centredness say, let the daughter cook, especially if she set items out to do so? what is the jump and rush? and then the jump and rush to burn because of mindlessness. now is there anyone who would not see that as some kind of passive something> Unconscious theatre, deep soul conflict wtihin projected outward? Or am i reading much into things. well i will tell you...i am reading much into things until it becomes apparent to others beyond myself. so it is only now in life I think that someone is realizing the domestic reign, pillar and paragon she missed and is trying to recover in odd ways, odd ways given my presence and natural bent...
but i wrote that to say one thing, you would not believe....I am convinced the whole purpose, reason and science behind my returning to this trinidad, and enduring all these hard painful humbling nine years, was to reconnect with my source, my ancestors, the power brokers of my life, the woman of my genes and mitochondria, as well as others...Dada, Aunt Lilla, and to do for Junior. I live on this plane but my navel string clearly seems to be on nebula , with some solitary bird as the eagle or floating in the ether between all universes, systems and dimensions.
That is the connecting of self that I think the recent writings and guidance have been all about...the self that is gone. that came before and that is here still but shadowed/invisible...in the most powerful important realm.
I wonder what now to what end and further advancement and purpose.
wow.
i just step back and say, wow.
that strong sentiment to step back and make peace with all, bring compassion to the door of my own failings which incidentally is the passage way before others..to embrace all even the snakes...
that burning story...my aunt is here because someone did not trust me...and now someone else gets to see what was really happening. she already once came to me and said, I see the cycle, perhaps you can try to not respond when things erupt and emerge...i was so heartened by the request not for the indication of my culpability, but i thought the person brought to help fight me would never see. and here it was she was telling me she saw...but bow to the current matriarch is what we do and will do..and i am doing..that is why i have been mopping floor since the weekend, bloody vex but talking to myself. to do it with love...
life is so damn deep and complex, it makes my eyes water and my heart full up and my stomach jump--the soul food and filling on the other side of 'going through'
another friday
more revelations from the night end
so when i woke up, i started musing from things yesterday. pieces of the puzzle, the nebula, so to speak coming to me as I travel through space, life and time. yesterday while mopping the steps of the workman debris my mom says to me, " look at Maria's grandchild" and i did not quite hear her, asked her what she said and why and she explained Mama used to make them, the children, my parents (I call all my aunts and uncles and my mother my parents- it was them in my grandfather';s house I was born to, it was them who made me the gold child i was and am, It is them who poisoned me from having children in the world for it is no use at all to bring any child in the world who cannot be so totally bathed, showered, and cornered with love, red carpet of love laid out for their every step), mop/scrub the steps. and i showed no response , i just said oh and smiled but immediately i said in my head, {oh, that is it, bingo- Mama was a no business no nonsense mother, and them three girls hated and resented her for the domestic champion and slave driver she was---i am just imagining from their perspectives, how they turned out and how they react...it is the key to the conflict...and the boys interpreted their mother very differently...they or at least one, my uncle and godfather Pat, Idolized her. but the woman eschewed everything and fiber she was as a domestic maternal housewife. I see it. And so here i land and come, apart from that exposure and history and emulate her to the nth degree and that is the source of the biggest conflict, that is the self and entity that is the glass mirrored wall and energy that has been opposing me. it is coming to clarity...
but for some reason this morning I was thinking about Mama in a different way...and so many pieces come to me: Philip Neimark's reading of me: "You primary ancestor is a STRONG woman from your mothers side." I now know that it is Maria. I had a reading once and it came up my grandfather, i know wonder about that, but think it is not impossible for both to be true...for just last night while washing dishes, I recalled i am the grandchild theat when to school daily on my grandfather's shoulders...Love and Regaling when I tell you... Then i think of reconnecting with Rufus was it last year? ago, and we spent hours on the phone from trinidad to nyc, only for us to say goodnight then the next morning he writes me and tells me/asks me: who is the woman in a blue dress she came to see me last night at work. she was just at a distance watching me and I was shocked...did not know who it was
But this morning I think of many of my paintings: of blue. and I think of a recent one that seemed to be of a Nun in a long habit and I long considered her Maria of the bible and she is in blue cape that expands out to her aura..I see think now that is Maria Bastaldo my grandmother. my cousin Vanessa dreamed of Mama...she came to visit her and told her Mother Mary-- something about her? was it to worship her? and when her birthday was and what her color. Vanessa had the presence of mind to tell her father, thank god that dream while Uncle Pat was living and he confirmed it all. And while I write that I think Mama is asking us to lift her up. worship her. Build her altar that was found in her house. Yes Mama I will as soon as I get my own again..
so it is she protecting me, and my biggest dream and astral travel was when i visited the ancestral village, thousands of people thick it seemed and i got to Mama and the first thing she said to me, :did they not tell you I have been asking.calling for you?" and I said no they did not tell me. This now, I realize it was in life, Mama was calling out to me as a child after I left/was taken as I cried out to her before she died. and lord knows what happened in the meantime, meanwhile when i was deaf and blind and unknown to such things and sciences...
but what brings it all home for me today are the pieces...so to return to the top and give you example, today this moment of what i contend with--- i hear my aunt calling my mom telling her she smells something burning. All last night I did not want to tell you of my obsession with food but two days earlier i seasoned, highly seasoned some goat and last night I decided I would make dhal and curry goat, with zaboca and lots of cucumber, brown rice...and so set peas to soak. I get up this morning to hear something burning. I sitting on my ass here all day, what is the rush to cook this early morning? I sitting on my ass here all day, would not centredness say, let the daughter cook, especially if she set items out to do so? what is the jump and rush? and then the jump and rush to burn because of mindlessness. now is there anyone who would not see that as some kind of passive something> Unconscious theatre, deep soul conflict wtihin projected outward? Or am i reading much into things. well i will tell you...i am reading much into things until it becomes apparent to others beyond myself. so it is only now in life I think that someone is realizing the domestic reign, pillar and paragon she missed and is trying to recover in odd ways, odd ways given my presence and natural bent...
but i wrote that to say one thing, you would not believe....I am convinced the whole purpose, reason and science behind my returning to this trinidad, and enduring all these hard painful humbling nine years, was to reconnect with my source, my ancestors, the power brokers of my life, the woman of my genes and mitochondria, as well as others...Dada, Aunt Lilla, and to do for Junior. I live on this plane but my navel string clearly seems to be on nebula , with some solitary bird as the eagle or floating in the ether between all universes, systems and dimensions.
That is the connecting of self that I think the recent writings and guidance have been all about...the self that is gone. that came before and that is here still but shadowed/invisible...in the most powerful important realm.
I wonder what now to what end and further advancement and purpose.
wow.
i just step back and say, wow.
that strong sentiment to step back and make peace with all, bring compassion to the door of my own failings which incidentally is the passage way before others..to embrace all even the snakes...
that burning story...my aunt is here because someone did not trust me...and now someone else gets to see what was really happening. she already once came to me and said, I see the cycle, perhaps you can try to not respond when things erupt and emerge...i was so heartened by the request not for the indication of my culpability, but i thought the person brought to help fight me would never see. and here it was she was telling me she saw...but bow to the current matriarch is what we do and will do..and i am doing..that is why i have been mopping floor since the weekend, bloody vex but talking to myself. to do it with love...
life is so damn deep and complex, it makes my eyes water and my heart full up and my stomach jump--the soul food and filling on the other side of 'going through'
another friday
more revelations from the night end
No comments:
Post a Comment