at the age of 46, in the year 2012, right after the holidays, I experienced something novel
Acne. on what was flawless perfect skin for all my years; skin that most people noticed and those who were blessed to touch would remark as the softest ever. Right now I still hear that from my niece, when ever she hugs me.
It happened once, in the early part of January. It is still January. Monday January 30, 2012.
It happened during my menses. It broke out first on my back in bumps not clear whether heat, rash, acne, bacteria or virus. But the doctor diagnosed as acne. A young chap who has been right on -on all the issues i have had to see him for through the last six months it seems like.
i actually noticed and was quite unhappy to realize that I have spent so much time with him in recent months but then turned it in to fortune to realize at least I had a doctor to go to and one so skilled to be correct on all his diagnosis and treatments, so i decided to relax But really, I dont have issues like that and so many in such a short time.
he did tell me I was allergic to my environment. which was shock enough. my body is not happy where it is, in the room it is in, in the house it is in, in the neighborhood, city and country it is in. that is crisis enough that i seemingly have no control over. and now, more to add to that category
so to note the date. and yesterday i noticed my face in slight heat bumps late into the night, around this same time yesterday. I noted it. Tonight, same thing but a bit more emphasized with about three small pimples. which i popped. and applied ClearZit mixed with my facial Vit E cream. Hopefully it helps .
but the point of this writing is my realization the changes of later womanhood life. dealing with the matter allowed me to flip back into a series of changes and incidences in recent years. I always had trouble with my underarm deodorant. Going back in time, the stopped lasting long. I had to change them every few months or so until over the counter products stopped working. They would not stop my perspiration nor my odor and in fact the former created a foul latter All matters I never dealt with during my adult life. It ended up with crystals and they too failed. I now have to wax every week, and parafen oil helps to sequester the problem, both perspiration and odor, but I also realize the incidences or comfort follows its own whims and trends. Sometimes I am fine, sometimes I am bothered. In any case, I realized the underarm thing is connected to the acne, and both relate to a woman who approaches menopause. This is my premenopausal phenomenon.
And you know the case is individualized and specific to each woman, it evolves and emerges and shows up in specific ways. there is no set condition across the board. So when i had the acne earlier this month, and doing research to understand how i can have acne, i learned of menopausal acne. and that acne is created by a bacteria. I never knew that. did you know that> and so the antibiotics I was given worked splendidly, worked in ten days when i had a fourteen day supply and i stopped it at day eleven. I am glad I did. So now realizing a trend appears to be emerging and I do have a second incidence of acne with my menses that is to arrive within days..I see the need to develop a protocol. I also tonight decided to write about it. A black wombmyn in her menopausal journey. Tonight I applied the topical. I am monitoring it to see when i have a full blown blow out of acne to begin this cycle's antibiotics..And see how long this lasts
dali's book transforming into a woman...i think i might be a woman transforming into a book
But while showering, I realized this is another area in life in which one has no control: the shifts and changes of aging and process of morphing through the stages of life. And what is odd is that I really was hoping to have a child, if not children. Two or three boys and a girl. Or just one child. I somehow got it in my head that i am to make and prepare boys. Partly because I was twice with child and in a dream, in hindsight was informed they were boys. One my brother who had died and was trying to come back to life; the other was his Italian godbrother, or how I knew him. at least that was the name of the being who came to me, and the only Vincent I ever knew was Junior's brother. But both times I chose not to be a single mother and not to bring children into the world who their father did not want. But i was naive and stupid and full of doubt back then and not realizing that men could want a child and abandon them after...but such is my lot. So i was waiting to see if I would be blessed again. And even though I look 28, my body, my womb is indeed 47, will be in a three weeks. and it is battle weary. The beloved has undergone three radical and extreme myomectomies but still works like a swiss watch crystal rolex chronograph. It has been good to me. I apologize to the ancestors, it, myself ad the future, my job, my purpose and destiny if it was to bring those children in and I denied them. Supposedly the curse put on my life for those choices have been exacted and it is what I have been living...with grace
but here it is now...monitoring and experiencing yet another change. I wish it could be scar free. I wish it could be graceful and seamless. I wish i could enjoy the same flawless beauty i have been..but what is given to me and how is what i have to ride with...and try to make and be the best I can...so here. see me arming myself with what i can and deciding stress not be a factor or contributor.
i will write more as it occurs.
<3
Love to me.
My old self.
My former self
the self of the interspace
and the new self to be.
<3
Acne. on what was flawless perfect skin for all my years; skin that most people noticed and those who were blessed to touch would remark as the softest ever. Right now I still hear that from my niece, when ever she hugs me.
It happened once, in the early part of January. It is still January. Monday January 30, 2012.
It happened during my menses. It broke out first on my back in bumps not clear whether heat, rash, acne, bacteria or virus. But the doctor diagnosed as acne. A young chap who has been right on -on all the issues i have had to see him for through the last six months it seems like.
i actually noticed and was quite unhappy to realize that I have spent so much time with him in recent months but then turned it in to fortune to realize at least I had a doctor to go to and one so skilled to be correct on all his diagnosis and treatments, so i decided to relax But really, I dont have issues like that and so many in such a short time.
he did tell me I was allergic to my environment. which was shock enough. my body is not happy where it is, in the room it is in, in the house it is in, in the neighborhood, city and country it is in. that is crisis enough that i seemingly have no control over. and now, more to add to that category
so to note the date. and yesterday i noticed my face in slight heat bumps late into the night, around this same time yesterday. I noted it. Tonight, same thing but a bit more emphasized with about three small pimples. which i popped. and applied ClearZit mixed with my facial Vit E cream. Hopefully it helps .
but the point of this writing is my realization the changes of later womanhood life. dealing with the matter allowed me to flip back into a series of changes and incidences in recent years. I always had trouble with my underarm deodorant. Going back in time, the stopped lasting long. I had to change them every few months or so until over the counter products stopped working. They would not stop my perspiration nor my odor and in fact the former created a foul latter All matters I never dealt with during my adult life. It ended up with crystals and they too failed. I now have to wax every week, and parafen oil helps to sequester the problem, both perspiration and odor, but I also realize the incidences or comfort follows its own whims and trends. Sometimes I am fine, sometimes I am bothered. In any case, I realized the underarm thing is connected to the acne, and both relate to a woman who approaches menopause. This is my premenopausal phenomenon.
And you know the case is individualized and specific to each woman, it evolves and emerges and shows up in specific ways. there is no set condition across the board. So when i had the acne earlier this month, and doing research to understand how i can have acne, i learned of menopausal acne. and that acne is created by a bacteria. I never knew that. did you know that> and so the antibiotics I was given worked splendidly, worked in ten days when i had a fourteen day supply and i stopped it at day eleven. I am glad I did. So now realizing a trend appears to be emerging and I do have a second incidence of acne with my menses that is to arrive within days..I see the need to develop a protocol. I also tonight decided to write about it. A black wombmyn in her menopausal journey. Tonight I applied the topical. I am monitoring it to see when i have a full blown blow out of acne to begin this cycle's antibiotics..And see how long this lasts
dali's book transforming into a woman...i think i might be a woman transforming into a book
But while showering, I realized this is another area in life in which one has no control: the shifts and changes of aging and process of morphing through the stages of life. And what is odd is that I really was hoping to have a child, if not children. Two or three boys and a girl. Or just one child. I somehow got it in my head that i am to make and prepare boys. Partly because I was twice with child and in a dream, in hindsight was informed they were boys. One my brother who had died and was trying to come back to life; the other was his Italian godbrother, or how I knew him. at least that was the name of the being who came to me, and the only Vincent I ever knew was Junior's brother. But both times I chose not to be a single mother and not to bring children into the world who their father did not want. But i was naive and stupid and full of doubt back then and not realizing that men could want a child and abandon them after...but such is my lot. So i was waiting to see if I would be blessed again. And even though I look 28, my body, my womb is indeed 47, will be in a three weeks. and it is battle weary. The beloved has undergone three radical and extreme myomectomies but still works like a swiss watch crystal rolex chronograph. It has been good to me. I apologize to the ancestors, it, myself ad the future, my job, my purpose and destiny if it was to bring those children in and I denied them. Supposedly the curse put on my life for those choices have been exacted and it is what I have been living...with grace
but here it is now...monitoring and experiencing yet another change. I wish it could be scar free. I wish it could be graceful and seamless. I wish i could enjoy the same flawless beauty i have been..but what is given to me and how is what i have to ride with...and try to make and be the best I can...so here. see me arming myself with what i can and deciding stress not be a factor or contributor.
i will write more as it occurs.
<3
Love to me.
My old self.
My former self
the self of the interspace
and the new self to be.
<3
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