IndiGos Dont Ask Such Questions

It has been forever since I wrote . but for not one minute think a lot has not been happening

Someone asked me was my life fine the apparent broken way it is (or something like that)...and here was my answer. It was in a facebook i was in very briefly, for two days and nights before being booted out by the perpetual noviced (seeker)...there was a lot more I had shared in there and it hit me overnight that it was great material of my ethnography...only to find out I could not access it. Beware to whom and where you drop your pearls. pigs will never see the gleam of their coat...only their own ugly brokenness are they destined to see...Nevertheless, this was waiting for me in an email draft...holding it i was when it would not post...aye trials and trails

["and that is the mystery
I think I took myself. well I know...i did ..of a kind of empowerment subject to nothing. no one. no spirit. But I think it was all of self, and my ego and this dimension.Others about me and around me..could see plain..."there was nothing I put my hand to that did not manifest or happen"> I was always from young, 16, a child who had her own. I think i am on my eight or ninth car. I been driving my own vehicle since I learned to drive. .i learned to drive from watching my father do it. before i had lessons. I failed my first test cause I never took lessons and did one thing wrong.: Reversed a vehicle without turning around and looking through the rear glass. I went to college and never shared a room. I always had my own space. house, home bathroom. Now look where I am. ANd it is about to get worse. One of my haters is coming to live in the house where i am.

I hesitate to talk about this because this.that these types of questions You ask Margaret are of the very thing I am being forced to learn. The idea that Everything has an earth bound rationale, explanation. To do that keeps us stuck at this base level of consciousness. I only see the difference in perspectives in juxtaposition by what is projected to me...like in that question or from my family. I am down to nothing. I have taken grace. they see i am down to nothing and think all kinds of things: Maybe my phd is not real. I dont know stuff. Something is wrong with me. I am less than. I am a failure. I wasted my life. And YES> I say those things too. For this dimension of the ground or its depth. BUt what else is there? Why am i being saved from being stressed out in a high flying job? WHy have i been saved from marrying a good for nothing husband? What am I to learn. Funny. I just posted about everything is a lesson

I dont know. I dont know as well as I do know. Cause one is based on faith and hope. And an awareness of existences and realities beyond what I see and feel here. And the other is just here. Just now. Just where I stand. I know more exists.

You ask me that question and do you realize it is the same question of the first prophet of this dimension: Jesus. ????

LOL> Why did he not fly away? why was he subjected to all that he was if he was in deed God's son? made in his image? Why was he so poor> so reviled? so hated>?

LOL>
I am laughing cause i never thought of that before in relation to myself

all i know is my ass is being kicked. but i see the blessings. that haters still malign me for. I am not on the street. I could have been. I am so protected and provided for. just not on my standards, my say, and my whims,. but i am provided for. and my parents are not doing it. one is dead and one is fucked up. Stole my inheritance and family legacy signed over to his new wife.

but./ i realize...that is all part of a larger plan. a larger outworking. If my grand mother and mother got their asses kicked in their life story. who the hell is me?

So i take grace and I take lessons.
even if i dont have the answers

it is hard. cause you know how old i am, yet how old do i look. why the hell is that?
i somehow think that has something to do with my challenges. the years are passing by burning like paper, yet, i seem to be like the bradd pit character who is moving back in age

And i think that might be one answer. the life i am to lead and live might be set apart. Not what I thought was trained, envisioned or what or how most do...to travel the ancient road. I dont know

the healer , the most prominent in my family, a national icon, i searched to find who trained him. and know what I found? no man did. spirits came for him at night. Entranced him. took him to the forest. Taught him and left him for him to snap out of it and wander back. His family always wondered if he would return safe and whole.

I just learned that this year. not even two three months ago

So the answer to your question darling is in the outworking I believe. I have no answers. I will only have them when I transition and move on. then i can tell what happened. I do know that --that story;//is strung along in hindsight...so the next piece of the puzzle will unfold and emerge...all i need to do is be faithful to a next step a next moment and Mags, If my life was to be an outward failure< those who have eyes to see, though they will never admit, they will say i was one wombmyn of amazing character and resolve. I never slipped and lost it. I was afflicted along the way because we are sentient beings. meaning we are just energy dense energy we feel everything. all our feelings are lodged in our energy field and it is a High Science Reiki master who in this dimension can remove them from any one person. and then you feel light as a feather. you do no longer feel yourself. we feel ourselves because we are weighed down by our hurts pains, journeying..

that is all i can offer. that is all my aim now..that if this be the road I am to endure...let me do it with light and grace. doesnt mean i dont cry. bemoan shattered dreams. pain for my choices for a higher purpose I thought and dreamed. but it is okay. How do i redeem. How do i still validate my mother giving me breath? having blessed the life blessed to me...what ever little that is, as much as it is not the grand scheme i imagined, I will make the best out of it

and this is how i take my current subjectivity and subjugation and total lack of power> Somebody some entity gave that power to me. I came out of some source with it. Of it. ANd just as I did that and it is not of me. as one small minute piece of this cosmos, is the same way that some entity, something some purpose is blocking what I thought was and how to be my manifestation

And again balance and right thinking. I cant revel in glory as I did in my past life: Michigan, Africa, Delaware, NY and Florida. and not revel in the coming down, at the ground> Then I would be a complete---i have no words for that level of dishonesty deceit. ugliness.

I made beautiful when I had
I make beautiful now with nothing

And I know that to be true for the surprised comments of others.

the househelp says to me, "at least you can laugh"

What am i to do? Shrivel up and die? And I feel sad, cause what I have gone through, others might consider killing themselves... but faith in something else, something bigger. Something loftier. Maybe. And if nothing else. I would have had a mighty story. Who knew

___

I could keep writing. I read your questions again to test my thoughts and I see something else. When I was born who said, wrote or determined, where? what life i was destined to lead????

who?
cause if it is written no one showed it to me
I just came out a warrior fighting for justice and the underdog. fighting not to be an underdog. fighting refusing to be subjugated as i see most women to males and systems that dont mean them well>>who says my dreams and ideas and entrepreneurship was what was destined???

who says who knows

After my many decades of empowerment, I think this time, perhaps humility.

And I get to know what most dont ever learn. Painfull for me for their judgement on my life and what they think they see and how they perceive I am...but it is funny...and i deal with this daily...I am learning to still be love...to still be graceful. People thought i should have fought my father for what he took away but...Did i create that> Did I sweat and die for that > NO> that was my ancestors, his parents, and my parents who created that. And if they did not write me down on paper as owning..who am i to fight them in whose court for that? Talk about shitty karma. THink any of my mother;s familuy can see that/?

they who save me resent me for my core, and character, my talents. they will not help me manifest but will ask me why and how come

Those nuanced. unbelievable dissonant observations. amaze me. they teach me. they deepen me., i feel in time i am becoming like a gibran, rumi, reilke or marley...but what does it serve me in this money world?

Nothing but derision
If that be my cup. let me serve it hot

<3

I have no idea sister. I am just walking.
asking and praying for strength and protection
making sure the road and choices i take lead me to a higher place and not a pit. But if it is a pit...I shall be like joan of arc saying burn me bitches.

that is it. that is all I have
Sorry for the cliches. I am a writer ;)"]