what is up with the high school AV (audio visual) team background on Morning Brew? the unmatched one hundred eighty degree L or U shape-- one side looks like a cartoon set, and the other is a disjointed out of focus photograph of what is a very hazy blurry picture of port of spain. are we really derelict and mediocre to that total degree?
sorry to wake up in the morning...only to see deficiencies
i see my own too
i have been sitting on something since yesterday
and as i write that i wonder why do trinidadians wait so long to jump on things, why are they so slow to get moving on an idea , an agreement, a plan. .i am the direct opposite. so much so , i have been called oya for it. other people will require endless conversations on a matter. and to trinidadians, my mother, conversation does not mean confirmation, not even more than one. that stumps me forever . what then is the point of the exchange? this is another way i see locals convert and turn upside down practices of efficiency, purpose, accomplishment.
back to my own deficiencies...
part of the peace that has been sweeping over me since and over 2013 has been the acceptance of responsibility for my own failings, ineptitude, and dereliction of and for self. we see signs but ignore them. we make excuses for behaviors. when we want something or believe we are on a mission we can be blindsided and singular focus. i realize for months now one of the worse things that can happen to you is to have goals, dreams and visions, and dont ever come close to it or reach the threshold, i fear you would lose your head, mind and focus on all else for the elixir and nirvana of accomplishing your one and biggest goal. The other fault too i know is that we project. all of us do. most of us, I, only talk about it though when it is negative, of brokenness...i was projecting myself. And i am as pure hearted well intentioned as they come. when you are like that you would see snakes and think them rabbits. do not mix that good intention with gullibility either. . and i have admitted that so many times these months, and a few times people say i was in love. and i was. deeply so. pure hearted people go to the heights depths and far reaches of emotions. they dont have blockages of ulterior motives you see.. i wont even go into what was done and said to me, the path i was taken along a garden to help aid the mission of the snake slithering...i wont, i will just talk and focus on being so desperate, wanting, needing certain aspects of life that for me never happened...
so in the last few days, since monday, or tuesday when i walked to the meeting to get paperwork, and yesterday when i sat with the lawyer, i was calmly acclimating to the water of my reality, my role and responsibility, my path, my karma. oh yes. talking to cathy out of love allowed me to accept it n a perfect way. it was her. that conversation..."we have paid in full this karmic tally" and really there is no other way to calculate the thing. i have essentially been a patron to the biggest shithound and biggest shithound family of five, ever. preferring to live in some form of substandard in town and leave a multi acre spread with a really fine house for vandalization and ruin. buying brand new hilux instead of paying off a mother's debt that was a gift. how does that happen. and you think i am crazy when i talk of magic? the super secession of basic natural physics happens every day. i realize there is no bigger honor for a life. to save a family legacy.
but apart from my growing acceptance of all of that, my settling in with my personal responsibility of outcomes, being used, manipulated, deceived. there are costs and price for all modes we inhabit/ and no free rides, tokens or awards for being the good person of the year, be an ass and get played like an ass. but i have one question. after you accept your fallibility, gullibility, personal blame and responsibility in the situation, do you still go an exercise your legal right to execute judgement for compensation, right balance and vindication?
as i wrote, i felt one of this person's price will be dementia
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