it is now 5:49pm Saturday July fifth twenty fourteen
i feel the need to bare my soul witness to its weight
i feel the need to speak my truth having seen this graphic
it is a window and door to free myself. some kind of altar
i am not sure why but it is as if i am in some synchronized menstrual depression
or post menstrual depression and i only reference that because i had premenstrual syndrome right before this cycle. and i never know it happened until my period rains.
but this cycle as it is ongoing, i think my current feelings have to do with many things surrounding it.
i met so many men in the weeks prior. kenias chikerema, mark lewis, and then old friends in the mix like chippy richie.
but today, just now, it is like my melancholy has a partiular dosage of steroids.
it is flowing and high, not quite raging.
but i am sad. i am lonely. i am wanting i am needing
all the things that do not exist for me:
friendships, love, reliability, commonality
i wish to reach out to tell someone how i feel but there is no one
i wish to be held and embraced in the most purest of motivations but that is a fantasy
i wish to be in embrace with one whose love is delicious but it is not possible
he is neither available or single
i wish to be free of people who make my living burdensome, like turu, but it is as if i am her life raft
\i wish to be mature about my reality
and not delusional, angry, sad or any negative emotion
but to embrace and accept it with grace and lessons
but it is like it threatens to overcome
i wish to stop smoking and though i stopped for july, about two days ago i had two, and yesterday, liming, i had many.
i know i am sad about one big thing
and that is the lack of relationships and friendships in my life
i woke up this morning remembering that a seer person once told me that i am forever destined to have just three months or so interactions with men, that it will not be long lasting. i wonder what that is, and what i have to do to break that curse or pattern
i know i am sad because a seemingly effortless connection with kenias was disrupted i am not sure from what and who or both, he did tell me that he was concerned about getting too attached to me and then suddenly, we were battling and separated not talking. it literally broke my heart, I was sad and regretful and that was since from Monday.
i am sad to need and want people more than they need and want me
i am regretful of what ever package of goods that make me dysfunctional in the relationship department. but is it really so hard to find a man on my vibration, who is a clean freak, a great cook, loves food, single, excellent conversationalist, knows a lot, very intelligent and accomplished, secure and competent and full of resources and wealth, and generous to share all that besides?
why is it so impossible to meet someone you are in total and every vibrational sync with, who is single, able and providing so you meet and you can immediate sail into the sunsets, over and over again, every day <3 br="" compatibility="" heartaches.="" joyful="" just="" no="">
anyway, i wont belabor this but when i started writing it was with the vision to be on stage talking of my desire for mark lewis, just bare lust it would seem, because he is nothing else I dont believe.
i know too i get sad at the idea and truth that a man can easily fill my head with chat, lyrics, and the court of convincing and manipulation. i wish i was vaccinated
i dont wish to keep repeating these heartaches. any . none
my truth is bitter and solitary
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who are you that reads these personal excavations?
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well...this is why i write...
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