i heard singapore is a country that has reinvented itself a few times in its fifty years and i immediately thought of trinidad. lol. has not even attempted to change its curtains, once in its fifty years or so. then i thought of my self. i use that word reinvention a lot when i take on new words, people give me new identities, but if it is not traded in the market place is it real? and that is my crunch right there. living a life outside the market when the whole world spins and exists precisely there. so i thought i had not reinvented myself. and it is why i am squeezed and pinched. no matter what i have done, where i have gone, what work I did, i was one mode and mold and still am, even with no money: that girl.
and here is me and how i am. watching cup of joe. they on a cooking segment. making bruschetta. and they are assembling and constructing the final product, on sliced white bread. not toast. and that is one of my alienation here. endless endless, complete cover almost of people presenting as if they know what they are doing and havent got a clue that they are doing it wrong, getting paid to do what they cant, and no one is none the wiser: not who is paying them, not who is watching. not the larger national society or audience. but i am the one with the outlier, the problem
i wonder how to reinvent myself.
a friend's wife told me two nights ago how she appreciates i come to their home would eat, wash dishes and clean the kitchen, and how i wipe down the sink after i am done. and how i would make a good woman in a house. and i said, i have no earthly idea how some man has not yet put me in house. and the man said, you gone do phd for man to put you in house. so you see the other side of my life problem. others wont let me reinvent
i had such an interesting exchange/conversation last evening. i phrase it like that because i had such tight reign on myself i dare not let out any real information or open myself. a gentleman who wants so much to convince me of his compassion, to listen to me, while he hears of my trials. and i wonder are people serious? or have i gotten invariably cynical and hard? but if someone telling me they are in trouble and have so many aspects of their life missing or in need of repair, on what dimension will i be talking to them about listening to them? and it just seemed to me yet another angle line and charade of manipulation and tricks. so he tells me for the third or more time since december that he wants to keep my company but has never asked for my number. this guy who limes every day, at the same spot, at the bar with the bartender. and leaves around nightfall . is never out during the weekends. do you know how to mark someone's life to get a sense or at least not to be lost or blindsided? so his movements dont match . and i have no idea what his aim. but the biggest indictment of him is months ago he spoke about women who are free to be and move and enjoy their lives publicly are seen as prostitutes. are you able to listen when people talk to hear the inconsistencies? what part of compassion that could be, that judgment? you dont judge and have compassion at the same time. the two dont match.. dont vibe. but i say nothing. i dont confront him. i do not engage what he says. i just try to be kind and not offensive. but i bite my life lips. i am no longer amused by these exchanges. and all this when i saw a moment of him wanting to buy us drinks while we talked but he saw my bottle of hennessy and sat back down. and i say. see sorry. but this is why me and everybody not in the same lane or rink. so why not peep that first and not even pretend to step up? i am tired with posers and half steppers.
reminds me of a phrase i have been sitting with for over a day:
smartmen and charlatanwomen
i woke up this morning remembering popoola's talk tuesday night and boom a question hits me that i could have asked him. i was so signed off and resigned away from that scene and pretend practice that i was not engaging, but a man asked popoola about "initiating" and the high cost of such. and one person talked of how you go to any school you have to pay the tuiition and that was such an asinine response because now what you are telling me is that a school and educational market scam is the same as your spiritual religion practice whose only mission is to bring in ever more candidates and clients to make money, and bodies? really.? and not one person in the crowd could stand up and raise that conflict. mind you , this was after popoola spoke about orisa as a profession and not a spiritual practice eh, so this is the means by which people seek to make money and have an industry, a trade, a means to collect money for anything real or not. hence my words smartmen and charlatan women which i had been using for years.
but i remember my cousin, and asking her to do some readings for me in 2011 to help me discern the abilities and veracity of a mechanic who was asking me for $7K to fix my vehicles drivetrain. she told me to proceed. do you know that man ended up being such a smartman. he was dismantling my car to take parts, and he never put it back together right and it never warranted the work he said. and i now think on that...how people can pretend and get press for capabilities that are most contrived, unreal and unattained. and that is the environment in which popoola spoke. when you have profession rather than spirit.
but the question i woke up with today, two nights and a half day of him getting on a plane was about my ancestor pa neezer: who was never initiated by any human, man or woman, who the spirits came for nightly and took him to the forest, in a stupor and trance, to teach him and release him from schooling at daybreak where his family would pray that he return home safely, and he always did. what a question that would have been to a gathering of those who believe truth resides and reposits with them, these , fake leaders, charlatans and smarters/
that is the inference of popoola's talk eh. it was an indictment. that is not my words. when someone has to tell you that you do not claim and call yourself a leader, the people call you to lead and not one of them have such a story, then they are fake by implication and popoola is giving them a public reading. an indictment and yet, they all sat there straightfaced as if he was talking to someone sel, someplace else, and not to them in his hearing.
quite interesting
but let me end here, cause this the kind of thing why people dont like me
sigh
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