eleven hours and fifteen minutes of uninterrupted sleep. one bathroom break but almost like it never happened
and yet, i had so many thoughts, ideas, clarifications and resolves during.
i realize that when life gets too much for us to contend and handle, we do one of two things. either kill ourselves in various ways, either slow or fast, fastidiously and immediately or lagging and dragging. or. we take compassion. realize that shit is heavy, have no response, reaction, emotional investment, critique, criticism or anything negative, but just get quiet, silent, compassionate. i saw it a lot clearer during the night than how my words explain
i also realize that all conflicts come from someone being afraid and threatened, and coming out their skin in the wrong way to present it, and if you have a dove or a lion you are giving that shit to, you may get it smashed back into your place
i had some other, quite a few other insights, actually, and appearances but right now I cant remember them.
i know i need a therapist, but the right one for me is not now known to me
another oddity, from the moment I had that confrontation on ole year's evening, the right side of my jaw is not right. and i did not get touched. i am the one that smashed a face...by someone testing the wrong waters, pushing the wrong boundaries. ah. that was one of my lessons and views last night> test nothing you do not know the full character to and of. people test and get surprised and shocked. i realized i saw the shock on astrid's face when i smashed her. i guess she thought i was too stush as she likes to call me to scrap-. not this one.. nothing i am proud of , but everything i am. it is now clear to all and sundry, dont fuck with me, since they were not smart enough to figure that shit out prior, silently and calmly
i know i also felt last night to be a hermit. to be in the forest. to take a vow of silence and withdrawal. to assess myself in a moment of least pride, which is a humbling and great thing, but also a sign of missing the mark. it is almost like i want to list every last mis-step and mistake. i want to assess and describe all the lessons have taught me to map clearly what I should do , what personality I should become, best matched to that reality and what prospects frame the future.
this old year was odd. many of the old practices have been disbanded. no family lunch/ i wasnt around for christmas so dont know what happened there. i was out and about losing sleep, being exposed to new people and spaces
anyway, i am reaching now. reaching to recall and collect all that passed before me last night so i will end this post...just by saying, i wake up and was greeted with "your hair is growing you know, fast and (furiously), you look like a lion"
and yet, i had so many thoughts, ideas, clarifications and resolves during.
i realize that when life gets too much for us to contend and handle, we do one of two things. either kill ourselves in various ways, either slow or fast, fastidiously and immediately or lagging and dragging. or. we take compassion. realize that shit is heavy, have no response, reaction, emotional investment, critique, criticism or anything negative, but just get quiet, silent, compassionate. i saw it a lot clearer during the night than how my words explain
i also realize that all conflicts come from someone being afraid and threatened, and coming out their skin in the wrong way to present it, and if you have a dove or a lion you are giving that shit to, you may get it smashed back into your place
i had some other, quite a few other insights, actually, and appearances but right now I cant remember them.
i know i need a therapist, but the right one for me is not now known to me
another oddity, from the moment I had that confrontation on ole year's evening, the right side of my jaw is not right. and i did not get touched. i am the one that smashed a face...by someone testing the wrong waters, pushing the wrong boundaries. ah. that was one of my lessons and views last night> test nothing you do not know the full character to and of. people test and get surprised and shocked. i realized i saw the shock on astrid's face when i smashed her. i guess she thought i was too stush as she likes to call me to scrap-. not this one.. nothing i am proud of , but everything i am. it is now clear to all and sundry, dont fuck with me, since they were not smart enough to figure that shit out prior, silently and calmly
i know i also felt last night to be a hermit. to be in the forest. to take a vow of silence and withdrawal. to assess myself in a moment of least pride, which is a humbling and great thing, but also a sign of missing the mark. it is almost like i want to list every last mis-step and mistake. i want to assess and describe all the lessons have taught me to map clearly what I should do , what personality I should become, best matched to that reality and what prospects frame the future.
this old year was odd. many of the old practices have been disbanded. no family lunch/ i wasnt around for christmas so dont know what happened there. i was out and about losing sleep, being exposed to new people and spaces
anyway, i am reaching now. reaching to recall and collect all that passed before me last night so i will end this post...just by saying, i wake up and was greeted with "your hair is growing you know, fast and (furiously), you look like a lion"
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