we are a retarded people/ for sure. know it and own it
our
political systems and its cosigners proves that more than anything. the
sickophants, the zombies, the douens to whom i dont think i have so
ever seen a leader speak to in very well coined language, is quite
impressive actually, but also sick , classless, banal. and most
gutterish despite previous talk of lagoons.they are all the same.
i
realize too the blind douens in my own family. and they get more mad
than me when we realize we are not on the same political page./
that is a sure way to make them out: when they get rabid that you not on their side!
but
this from a person who told her nephew , after hosting his birthday
party two sundays ago, that he could have an all inclusive fete there,
at her house, for mother's day, only for him to go on and put a team
together to organize, and within a week of giving him clearance, to the
day we were to have our first meeting, she flips her position, decides,
no doubt being controlled and told that by her son, her daughter in law
and her in laws who live across the street, that it is too soon for the
neighborhood,
and
instead of she calling and telling her nephew in an adult manner, she,
when confronted by her sister and sister n law, in amazement, asking
her, are you sure you told ===, was clear, and was adamant with --- on
your position, gets mad with them, refuses to show up for the meeting,
so the news spread and it never happened. leaving all to conversate
about it in her absence, no one confronting her ...
it
is okay to change your mind, just say so. communicate. just for god's
sake dont act like you did not first give your assent and agreement.
the
fact that everyone else's danced around this shocked me. and it is part
of why i say the population as a people here are on rank shit and
retarded. the acceptance of deceit, treachery, the lack of
acknowledgement and admittance that is what it is/ and my cousin, her
sister, telling me all of this gets mad at me and tells me.. "see this
is why i dont like telling you things cause you take it to the nth
degree". part of the madness is that you may get flogged but you are not
to cry, seek release, take action, complain or anything that upsets the
flow of things. or to destroy relationships. and pointing out people's
missteps and obnoxiousness is just that for them: destruction.
Yeh.i
evidently still have a calibrated sensory system of behaviors. what is
amazing is my cousin's willingness to contend with this and continue
dealing with that behavior, dance with it so to speak. I guess that is
why chase was so shocked about me. i refused to deal with shit once i
knew and learned that is what was being dished out.. i was also amazed
to see how relationships are maintained and reinforced even under such
behaviors and treachery. something really wrong with me. some major
wirings missed me somehow. or is that the cultural mores conveyed by
this trinidad?
related
and amusingly, all day yesterday i was in conversations with these same
people, on a different matter on the issues of communication. this is
another can of worms as I think of it and ponder all the parts. I
realize people do compartmentalization, another form of deceit. where
they act as if you did not have conversations with them about how
treacherous someone might be when they tell you to call that person and
make arrangements..all because it would be convenient, and easier. i
realize it points to a zero level of integrity. everything, everyone at
any moment can be recalibrated, rebalanced, renegotiated. it really is
deep to me.
but
beyond that, we do not communicate.. we do not know how to give
announcement, provide information, context, preamble, awareness, parts,
so that things are arranged and attempted without all parties knowing
the same thing. and no one seems to recognize when that need is
necessary.
but
perhaps i dont need to tell you this, our whole public lives is about
the dance not to communicate, to shield information like this whole
fanfare of a benz, utterances and responses by central people who talk
but never give answers.
Anyway,
i gone. i wrote about this in part of a larger exposition. yesterday
was a peculiar day for so many reasons, and so much energy was jumping
up that it went on into the night in sleep and dreams.
i
feel like yesterday was a close of my last life. i feel i write and toy
with that idea so many times. i also dreamt i inhabited my current
life, but in a different place i was living like this huge octagonal
room made of wood with massive windows and it seemed i was in a
temperate climate cause the tree branches outside the window were bare
as in fall and winter. and i was with lazarre again, and wanting to call
him and tell him i am feeling neglected and overlooked. and all i saw
of the dream was the elevation of communication and the ability to
calmly state a case and a need and have it responded to by a man i am
involved with. how enlightening. odd and shocking
overall last night, it just seemed i was feeling myself in all kinds of new skins
i
have to measure myself though. on one side i feel that things are
rising over like a boiling pot of my contending with the madness that is
trinidad..the penultimate is to have the luxury to leave it all behind
and completely cleave off...but in case that does not happen, i need to
manage my emotional engagement with what i observe and experience even
as we continue encountering new bars, walls, disappointments and
exposures of failures.
let me adjust the saddle.
<3 span="">
No comments:
Post a Comment