this is why and how you see me documenting so much hatred and attempted trauma from these two biddies here/ broken twisted females who never ever considered shit might not be right. and it is not just them. the oldest female cousin is the pinnacle of the three, having had her own sexual abuse, and seeming to internalize the most subjugation from various quarters, being dark too
"It may feel dangerous for a woman to actualize her full potential because it may mean risking some form of rejection by her mother."
that.
and i have heard it in various ways:
"you real like yourself"
"you are too confident"
"you are selfish" but what that really meant is that i have not engaged self erasure as a means to survive in the pod, the culture, society, plantation patriarchy...
"This is because the daughter may unconsciously sense that her full empowerment may trigger the mother’s sadness or rage at having had to give up parts of herself in her own life. Her compassion for her mother, a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict may cause her to convince herself that it’s safer to shrink and remain small."
what is deep for me is that none of these women are my mother, who is deceased, and with whom i had almost no relationship with it seems like, i remember. she too was in full self erasure in her attempt to live and maintain with my father, also a sick broken black man from the colonial plantation...these are aunts and cousins, of a previous generation and years older
i never pondered their reaction to my options for beingness. I just came. i just be. but oh their rage. is palpable. and that resentment is what I located and identified as soon as I got here. they did not send me with a desire to please. not anyone, and hence my hatred from almost everybody. I never ever once thought it was safer to shrink. i am very clear on misgynoir
wow. this thing is so real. so accurate:
"She may fear her mother feeling threatened by her dreams or ambitions."
and i have. threatened them all with my wildness, my ideas, my freedom
blow mind
"The truth is that no child can save her mother.
No sacrifice a daughter makes will ever be enough to compensate for the high price her mother may have had to pay or for the losses she has accrued over the years, simply by being a woman and mother in this culture. And yet, this is what many women do for their mothers very early on in childhood: they unconsciously make a decision to not abandon or betray their mothers by becoming “too successful,” “too smart” or “too adventurous.” This decision is made out of love, loyalty and a true need for approval and emotional support from the mother."
"too successful" "too smart" "too adventurous" Insert my name and every initial of my name in between there
"Many of us confuse being loyal to our mothers with being loyal to their wounds, and thus, complicit in our own oppression."
most and more than rejection...it is inferiority complexes, it is insecurity. resentment...and woah onto you when people feel that in your presence. Hatred.
"it can truly feel like a rejection when your child surpasses or exceeds the dreams you thought possible for yourself."
"There may be a sense of feeling owed, entitled to or needing to be validated by your children, which can be a very subtle but powerful manipulation."
that entitlement is the language used here. from the one who considers herself major. it has been phenomenal for me to watch for as much confidence as I have, entitlement is not one of any of my quarters. my life taught me that. that even despite all the work and sacrifice my life has been. success is not foregone and entitled, at least not configured. yet, these biddies, with so far less, and not done, feel the greatest entitlement. but i am learning that is the equation. cause it is compensation you see. delusional compensation. when you are more full, you have less (issues?fuckedupness?)
the sad thing: I see the early dynamic with my nieces
"This dynamic can cause the next generation of daughters to keep themselves small so that their mothers can continue to feel validated and affirmed in their identity as a mother, an identity that many have sacrificed so much for, but received so little support and recognition for in return,"
my elder and favorite niece, she has told me at age six, how her mother was a pushover and in short, substandard. she was very clear on this. without anyone ever saying a thing negative. she asked her grandmother how it is she allowed her daughter to marry daddy wayne. that was the language. just insert quotes. I was floored when my mother repeated that to me. so because the girls recognize their mothers' weakness, they then go about trying to pacify, help hide, lie, against it. deep manipulation>and what is so sad, to see how children's characters are formed, turned, spoiled and corrupted cause of this bullshit. If i can tell you how deep that has hurt me. and had to be silent about. it is amazing.
"sacrificing the self in an effort to somehow ease the mother's pain"
and that is what i see my nieces do
funny for me. I was ten years old when the only time and way I tried to ease my mother's pain was to tell her to leave my father, and I will come with her. she ignored me and I was done. i remember that incident as if it was yesterday. our closet hallway upstairs, we were standing.
"Of course, most mothers want what is best for their daughters. However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or come to terms with the sacrifices she has had to make, than her support for her daughter may be laced with traces of messages that subtly instill shame, guilt or obligation"
but tell me and show me one woman who has processed through this? who has dealt with their pain???
i love this article. it is artfully almost completely addressed in corners and underbeds
" They can seep out in the most benign situations, usually in some form of criticism or some form of bringing praise back to the mother. It’s not usually the content of the statement, but rather the energy with which it is conveyed that can carry hidden resentment."
"fully grieve and mourn her own losses."
from what i see in my family, pain and losses are just buried under a lot of superficial stuff: houses, clothing, education, accomplished and futilely attempted in competition, but just under the surface. and my life has made it easier for them, so they believe to beat up on me. my costs and price for being a god damn independent person in a world of subjugation, so it is easy for them they believe. they have proof, but all that has happened is that my blessings just keep growing, mushrooming
where strength and integrity are absolutely absent:
" The issue at the core of women’s empowerment is the mother wound
In our patriarchal, male-dominated culture women are conditioned to think of themselves as “less-than” and not deserving or worthy. This feeling of “less-than” has been internalized and passed down through countless generations of women.
The cultural atmosphere of female oppression puts daughters in a “double bind.”
Simply put, if a daughter internalizes her mother’s unconscious beliefs (which is some subtle form of “I’m not good enough”) then she has her mother’s approval but has in some way betrayed herself and her potential.
However, if she doesn’t internalize her mother’s unconscious beliefs in her own limitations but rather affirms her own power and potential, she is aware that her mother may unconsciously see this as a personal rejection.
It may feel dangerous for a woman to actualize her full potential because it may mean risking some form of rejection by her mother.
The daughter doesn’t want to risk losing her mother’s love and approval, so internalizing these limiting, unconscious beliefs is a form of loyalty and emotional survival for the daughter.
This is because the daughter may unconsciously sense that her full empowerment may trigger the mother’s sadness or rage at having had to give up parts of herself in her own life. Her compassion for her mother, a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict may cause her to convince herself that it’s safer to shrink and remain small.
Of course, most mothers want what is best for their daughters. However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or come to terms with the sacrifices she has had to make, than her support for her daughter may be laced with traces of messages that subtly instill shame, guilt or obligation. They can seep out in the most benign situations, usually in some form of criticism or some form of bringing praise back to the mother. It’s not usually the content of the statement, but rather the energy with which it is conveyed that can carry hidden resentment.
Mothers must mourn what they had to give up, what they wanted but will never have, what their children can never give them and the injustice of their situation. However, as unjust and unfair as it is, it is not the responsibility of the daughter to make amends for the mother’s losses or to feel obligated to sacrifice herself in the same ways. For mothers, It takes tremendous strength and integrity to do this.
what strength and integrity??
this article sums everything up here
"For daughters growing up in a patriarchal culture, there is a sense of having to choose between being empowered and being loved."
that is it. that is my life. that is what I have learned.
and beyond that it is not just an either or imbalance. you will get punished and persecuted for being empowered, the more so , the greater the ugly, but for any modicum, the backlash , cost and price is high. it is what i referred to above when I said they had ammunition...for my experience in the wider world. under white supremacy, in the colonial plantation great house
wow. from early on. as a child. i chose not to be fake loved. not to go chasing waterfalls and mirages. i have the string of estrangements to prove it
There aint nothing vague about it
"there is a vague but powerful sense that your empowerment will injure your relationships."
again..."
As a woman, there is a vague but powerful sense that your empowerment will injure your relationships. And women are taught to value relationships over everything else. We cling to the crumbs of our relationships, while our souls may be deeply longing for the fulfillment of our potential. But the truth is that our relationships alone can never adequately substitute for the hunger to live our lives fully."
"And it’s true that there are mothers who are simply un-loving most of the time, whether because of ... other struggles."
and there is the rub. rube and rubix. we are unwilling to admit that these biddies are fucked the hell up twisted and unloving beasts...instead we couch, accept, pacify and accept it. I never did.
"We all have patriarchy in us to some degree. We’ve had to ingest it to survive in this culture. When we’re ready to confront it fully in ourselves, we also confront it in others, including our mothers. This can be one of the most heart-wrenching of all situations we must face. But unless we are willing to go there, to address the mother wound, we are paying a very high price for the illusion of peace and empowerment."
but dont fool your fart, the price for confronting it is VERY VERY HIGH
"What’s the relationship between the mother wound and the divine feminine?
There’s a lot of talk these days about ’embodying the divine feminine’ and being an ‘awakened woman.’ But the reality is that we cannot be a strong container of the power of the divine feminine if we have not yet addressed the places within us where we have felt banished and in exile from the Feminine."
wow
"What’s the relationship between the mother wound and the divine feminine?
There’s a lot of talk these days about ’embodying the divine feminine’ and being an ‘awakened woman.’ But the reality is that we cannot be a strong container of the power of the divine feminine if we have not yet addressed the places within us where we have felt banished and in exile from the Feminine.
Let’s face it: Our first enounter with the Goddess was with our mothers. Until we have the courage to break the taboo and face the pain we have experienced in relation to our mothers, the divine feminine is another form of a fairy tale, a fantasy of rescue by a mother who is not coming. This keeps us in spiritual immaturity. We have to separate the human mother from the archetype in order to be true carriers of this energy. We have to de-construct the faulty structures within us before we can truly build new structures to hold it. Until we do this we remain stuck in a kind of limbo where our empowerment is short-lived and the only explanation for our predicament that seems to make sense is to blame ourselves."
second huge aspect of this article:
"If we avoid acknowledging the full impact of our mother’s pain on our lives, we still remain to some degree, children."
that and this is why there are so few adults, and just grown old children populating the globe
"stay small to relieve my own pain"
i realize this is just general and generic psychological psychoses. this is the crab in the barrel , black african people trauma from slavery, plantation and colonialism
all humans. this mother wound relates to males as well.
"For every human being, the very first wound of the heart was at the site of the mother, the feminine. And through the process of healing that wound, our hearts graduate from a compromised state of defensiveness and fear to a whole new level of love and power, which connects us to the divine heart of Life itself"
quotes by : Bethany Webster
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