questioneverythingevenyourself

Monday, May 27, 2013

Monday May 27 2013 Revelations

Badlands Guardian of North Dakota and Canada Border

the funniest thing is to hear people who have never met your measure, swam your waters, or countenance your depth call you a failure. the humor in that is beyond laughter or audibility

Marcia Smith Cpc No one should be called a failure. There are no failures. Its just a matter of perception.
Maven Huggins i know that. a few may know that. but many most of the world dont know that. and i am surrounded by the latter.i not even phased. a long time ago i made them out and when you know your animals, you are clear...there is no such thing as failure. all is lesson and stepping stones. trials to triumph...like i said earlier, i am grateful for the wisdoms that i have earned and take me over. (you in church did you know that Marcia? lol_
Marcia Smith Cpc Yes Maven. I know.
Maven Huggins she says *deadpan* hahaha
Marcia Smith Cpc She, like my grandmother was, is wounded. She speaks of herself.
Maven Huggins wow. wow. wow. this really is church; you know i never caught that? wow. so high do i think of people even when they are below/beneath me. I never got it. you dont know what you just said. that is why this house is the be all end all of all things for her. it is the only thing she ever did of pride

slap myself

wow. Very Wounded. All of them
it speaks to my own brokenness too...i have listened and swam in hateful waters too long, I absorb what comes at me, instead of interrogating what is said to see and hear, we only say and do who we are!!!!

wow Marcia. What a breakthrough
Maven Huggins good thing i been burning a white candle all day
Maven Huggins that kind of revelation needs to be transmogrified* purified..
and those who transitioned need to find their way
Marcia Smith Cpc I live with wounded people for my growing years. It is near impossible for anything other than negative to come out unless they embrace their wounds and forgive. You are welcome.

Today
Maven Huggins

i have to tell you this...i have a man in my life. one who seems to do things never before seen..a land owner who gave me access to what is his, told me it is my home, and my way is paid with him (because i helped him figure out how to keep it)...and we were doing a lot together, organizing an event, preparing to be farmers, opening companies, and projects to make money . so he was here a lot. you know my mother ran him-- told me he was roaming the house too much. Marcia, this house is a big macco house twice if not three times the size of most peoples homes. he was never roaming, but we would be in the kitchen, weighing processing coffee beans, making seasonings that we would sell, meeting at the dining table with our other partner or the gallery to write proposals. and sitting in the living room to do wifi/computer/internet...
I was so stunned. It has stayed in my throat...a man of some caliber and worth shows up in my life, at 48 and instead of being happy for me, he is spurned. shock i tell you. meanwhile her son in law is worthless...but i had to tell you that in the context of the conversation...and chase is not ordinary either eh...and i think he and i have an energy together that is overwhelming and formidable...but say what. I had to share
Marcia Smith Cpc

First question: has she made you feel comfortable at that house and made you feel welcome there? Her home is your home?
Maven Huggins

at first but it has totally soured. you know i was begging searching for my own place for years now. but it never happened. i just recently told her i not going no where.
her home is my home. but the land is what belonged to my grandparents. she got it as the only unmarried of the siblings.. she built it over. but this is the land i was born to and into. my first birth certificate name is baptiste, just like hers, just like my mothers and my grandparents. only when my parents got married at my age 2 do i have another name, huggins
Marcia Smith Cpc

Hhow do you expect her to accept an extention of yourself? What made you think she woukd?
Maven Huggins

how can i be welcome if i live here and cant have my love interest visit me in comfort here. you understand that?

girl. you asking me things after the fact. you just gave me a revelation remember....It has been deep and puzzling
Marcia Smith Cpc

Was she happy in her marraige/relationships?
Maven Huggins

she had only one i know of, her daughter's father who they were engaged, and broke off. the daughter was of a single mother household and she grew up destined crosseyed not to be unmarried so what does she do? marry a loser of sorts..you should hear the daughter talk of her father.. she asked my mother,, "how did you let mommy marry daddy wayne?" she asked that at 7. i was shocked/
Marcia Smith Cpc

Yoyr household strongly resembled the one I came from. Hurt all the way round. Very familiar story.

Hurting people hurt people. Melise its wounded hearts and their own disappointments being spewed on you.

Children are not stupid.
Maven Huggins

girl. you have no idea. what you say. and when i tell you it is not just the household it is our WHOLE Family... the lot of them!!
and i cant explain how it is i ended up being the lightning rod except i am the only one living who lived and schooled abroad. i am the only female not in their form, and even of the three unmarried i am so independent and formed beyond wounding they have ended up resenting me rather than being happy for me. i had an experience with two cousins where i told them you would be happier if i was a broken battered woman than to be independent well and my own person. the male told me he would never want any of his daugters like me that i was too independent
Girl you have NO IDEA

Marcia Smith Cpc

I lived to hear my aunt tell me i was the most successful in our family. I decided to show them i was not going to be a failure by deciding to be a success.

You think i have no idea but Melise I do. More than you know. I refuse to be anybodies victim.

Maven Huggins

i gather that now. it was an expression...but you broke the code so clearly you know

Marcia Smith Cpc

What's the plan now?

What did your gentleman have to say?

Maven Huggins

i just ride the flow. i keep my center. i try and struggle and fight to keep the right perspective. it is tough all around. as great and better my gentleman is he is also a challenge to me-- but beyond the grap of what is called or named man or males in this place.
what he said is that has always happened in his life. he just took it in stride. she had relegated him to the gallery but somehow we have not been back here and he said the only way he comes back is if she invites him. but i cool with that. it and them and she is just ugliness in a pretty house so no loss except we are robbed of a place to commune and work and friend and enjoy/ i just count it part of the struggle and story

Marcia Smith Cpc

All too familiar .

Saturday, May 25, 2013

who would believe...

Sagittarius Energy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

someone who blanked me
over a year ago
promised to help me take my business, ArtPost Trinidad to a regional level
we had meetings. we planned a strategy. then he disappeared
saying he was busy
I wondered why
i wondered if i overwhelmed him
asked for too much
you know how we conscious and female creatures do: look for self blame and indictment.

now today,
he writes
boldly
with no apology
i keep telling you all
these males in this place* are peculiar
twisted, un-non-integrated, fragmented and broken

this man employed
on tv
with his own business
family and children
yet, he reaches out to me....

-----------------

12:43

Hayden Blades

Is there someway that we can find the time to brainstorm. I need to recharge my passion and I may need your help. It does not matter where we meet, I am tired of waiting for the world to enable my path. Let me know how you feel.
12:53

Maven Huggins

i always have time
you ask me to help you while i have not been able to help myself
and the world has not enabled my path but crosses if not ignores it at every possible opportunity
13:00

Hayden Blades

Your presence will be enough for me. You are the sunlight that disinfects the mind. I need a bit of your presence if you don't mind.
13:00

Maven Huggins

no problem

-----------------------

Maven Huggins:

sometimes the universe gives me too much
sometimes the universe thinks too highly of me
sometimes there is no place to scream
cause the madness is at the very outlet: here: fb

someone who blanked me in a big way over a year ago is knocking
asking me to revitalize them
when they were supposed to be helping me take my business to the next level

i just stare at the mail
astonished
and reflecting on how and to what extent clearly the universe, guides, gods and ancestors think i am valid worthy and big enough to not go off
i just thought of grace and wondered if i am capable

so instead i come here to write
who am i that i cant save and provide for myself?
suffer endless persecution and lack of love
but yet still, sought by others
?

smh
makes no sense
but Gita just told me...my path is not to make sense. not for me anyway
and the tears flow

i have much money, gold, holy water, prayers, offerings and praise
my tears

and no matter what they say of me, my energy is pure/ remains so
they may lie and say otherwise
But...the nature lifts me up and proves different
my true character

light
not the misunderstanding folk buy, announce, trade and barter

Friday, May 24, 2013

They Run Away from Goodness, Power and Light

Maven Huggins

how do some women get even when they are jealous? i really want to know...my brain wired differently. i just leave
Lois H. Y. Lewis

lol

well i dont get jealous.......i doh ever give them that satisfaction

men are very much visual in nature. what they SEE has more effect than how they FEEL. so you will need to go VISUAL on them!!

that works for most men

and when you ignore their assess they cant deal with it!
.

Maven Huggins

i dont know. i feel clueless. i know i am.
Lois H. Y. Lewis

hmm......i spent so much of my young life being the one no boy wanted.......i taught myself to be resilient......NO man is going to make me jealous!!! EVVA!!! There is one who tried it........I think he still taking therapy. Lol. But seriously, I HURT badly, Maven. I SENSE before I find out. I VISUALIZE before things actually occur........there is a young man I am very taken up with. I am not his 'type'....but for some reason, he introduced himself, friended me and proceeded to get ALL of my attention........and now I dunno........sigh.....but I know that I SHALL NOT be a victum!! I refuse to be!! This is why I stay single........may be a cop-out but I hadda use whatever means I can to preserve ME. No more ME-ABUSE! Did enough of that in my 20's.
Maven Huggins

i hear you. but i am trying to be full hearted. to live from the heart. i did all that self protection before. and i thought chase was real and safe. but i dont know anymore. and i am not sure i am seeing and thinking right, or if he is fucking up and fucked up. and i am torn between my old self , my current conditions. and the new self to be...it is only my awareness that is saving me
and if i had the means i would get rid of my phone move and just vanish...leave it alone
but that would be more running away
i think now i am just trying to make my past work for me so i can provide something for myself...right now i am not doing that and what i thought was new and good may not be/ or maybe that it just ran its course
i know. i am repeating myself in circles.
Sigh
i feel sad too struggling not to be a victim and be pitiful but feel i am awfully close\
Lois H. Y. Lewis

Maven..........same here.....with the struggling not to be a victim.......story of my life.........I think I love too innocently - who you tell me you are is who I believe you to be. Apparently, this is NOT how it is supposed to work. I can't do it any other way. So I guess I need to just step back. In my 42 years of life, I have been in 2 1/2 relationships as is being WITH someone! 1 1/2 of them was undercover as one didn't want folks to know and the other I didn't want folks to know..........My son's father was my only visible relationship......sigh. I have many who claim interest but.........if you can't or won't give me what I want and how I want it then I doh see the point.......smh.......
Lois H. Y. Lewis

I would love to have SUPPORT

I ALWAYS struggle alone

with everything

So very tired of that

But i am not the jealous kind. I am a very independent partner. I doh need coddling and attention all the time .........however that DOES NOT mean you could walk all over me and disrespect my presence in your life...........

smh
Maven Huggins

"innocently" and naive
you know i gave chase so much because that was my need and motivation, my greatest wish-- to have someone to support me so completely. he appeared to do that at the beginning but now..it is not the same. and i been trying to navigate and be mature about it. but right now i think it must mean something...either he is afraid to say good bye, after he made such a grand to do about getting me...or his other struggles in life...this land.. but it is too many excuses i am giving him...part of me trying to be a woman giving in a relationship, but it becomes a fine line between self immolation. i been trying to make it work but i think it might be an impossibility...and it hurts. but perhaps only because i have attachment and i believed illusions.delusions
that is it. chase has stopped giving me what he brought in the beginning and my attempt to talk about it, and work it through brings a level and kind of response that shocks me
Lois H. Y. Lewis

wow..........yes.......slow down..........back up........for your sake
Maven Huggins

maybe this was a bump in the road for me to rebuild myself and my mettle. ...so i take it as that. I was just crying and i feel better...making myself feel better. making this be for some use.
i just pray my heart and resources were not in vain. and that it was soil, seed, water and sentiment for my own wellbeing and wealth making...ii should hate to think i did it for one so ungrateful...emotionally...but this is the same person who told me my way was made and i could live on that land and it was my home too...
Maven Huggins

it was crazy Lois. nothing was slow. Nothing
Lois H. Y. Lewis

i get you..........i jut feel passion as you tell me about this

i don't know how to function without passion either.........this is how we love........and how we breathe..........passionately...............so what now?
Maven Huggins

you give a good word there
and that is characteristic of this whole mess
whenever i feel despair and despondent, someone, something comes up shows up and gives it back to me in a way that is positive...we are passionate. VERY.
Maven Huggins

i dont know. what now.
i feel i do need to teach him but i have no power.
I felt my accident last night was the universe and goddess reasons and the moon to get him to tow a line. but today, he again refused to take me to town, though he was going on an errand. that kind of behavior i cant make sense. and i wonder what is it , in general, about me, that makes him react this way and react so inconsistently...
Lois H. Y. Lewis

i admire your passion about nature and the land and the connection between nature and music.........i admire your consistency. You say the same thing in many different ways. i admire the poetic manner in which you share your thoughts. i don't have that gift. i think chase is overwhelmed by you. he does not think he is good enough for you.
Maven Huggins

i feel i have no control in the relationship. and i wonder why he feels he has to teach, instruct, be so harsh, intimidated and fearful of me. he did tell me that once...that i am so strong he has to steel up to deal with me. and that i make him feel stupid which i never tried to do.. but i think it is his own inferiorities. but it is getting in the way...which makes me wonder and think if it could ever work out. and we do have a complex story, besides.
Lois H. Y. Lewis

he is trying to mentally separate himself. he is running away..........sigh.......thought he was braver tho. he looks so.........the man to be your partner has to be braver........
Maven Huggins
lol. you just wrote what i just wrote. at the same time I was writing it.
and it makes me sad. and i dont think there is anything i can do to fix that. so i think i must just leave him'

but thanks for writing those wonderful words. you bless me. you help me

i know

that is it. he is running away...

Lois H. Y. Lewis

sigh.......don't 'chase' him tho.......let him go.....let him run.......so eventually, he has only himself to blame.

just ease up slowly but surely

Maven Huggins

that is what i hope/plan to do...just that. no matter how i hurt and cry and write...like now. with you. today.

Maven Huggins

Lois are you okay with me putting this conversation in my blog?
it does not have great traffic. but my blog is literally my journal. i have not written in a month. but this exchange is rich. not just of my story but of yours too...and us black women struggling in relationships
i have learned so much about that dynamic: black men and women. it has been amazing

Lois H. Y. Lewis

I find that I can cry no more..........

Lois H. Y. Lewis

I find that I can cry no more..........

i guess........cause if it can help someone then.......i guess......

the last time i cried over a man was 1995

i cry now when i am overwhelmed and words don't come out or when I can't get to say what I want and how I want

Maven Huggins

chase at the beginning did tell me "to write our story". i have been.

Lois H. Y. Lewis

i cry if a dog dies.......or like, on Tuesday, when I attended the funeral of one of my young singers........young and promising lives come to an end. For me, sadness has been such a great part of my life that I am, in a way, used to it. And THAT is not right!! Now I pay closer attention. So many things have happened in my life only within the last 6 years or so.......sometimes I am amazed that I am still standing. A COMPETENT and GRATIFYING companion I surely need! I can't be the one toting the load....not anymore......

Lois H. Y. Lewis

that is good. then I will purchase the first copy!!

Maven Huggins

;D
you helped me just now. even more than i thought. i am now calmer. the crying stopped. seriously ceased. and it is because you explained what i am seeing and experiencing but had no words. he is running away. i can deal with that. i can let him. no resistance from me

Lois H. Y. Lewis

nope! i am glad you are willing to let him go.....he will feel it and may feel more comfortable and not go anywhere!! BUT..........it is not a matter of trying to predict his actions as much as just letting it be.

Maven Huggins

yes. that is my lesson. to let all and everything and anything BE.
that is it everyday.

i was just checking myself that it was not my own idiosyncrasies and assness, again. that i was not making the same mistakes

being foolish, egoic...i was just checking myself that i was being loving to myself and to him. (i cant say right)> i was making sure i was not creating my own suffering. and to let go makes no suffering

Lois H. Y. Lewis

correct

--------------"on sex can make us delusional"..............

Maven Huggins

hm. that is another thing. i and or chase were saved. for some reason our relationship was more platonic than sexual. we have really good energy, interest at one point, and good sex. the last time he said i made him and his legs weak. but i always thought it odd and a blessing at the same time. and that captures why and how this experience transcended all normalities. and it has been confusing. the thing itself was delusional. the relationship. not any one aspect. bizarre. i often wondered if he was lying about who he was.

Lois H. Y. Lewis

hmm.....does HE know who he is?

Maven Huggins

i did wonder if something is wrong with him, if he does not have the rage for sex, or if he is with someone else, but Lois, Chase and I were together straight every day since we met. literally . perhaps a week of separation in between. serious. isnt that crazy?
what do you mean "does he know who he is?"

Lois H. Y. Lewis

you say you wonder whether he was lying about who he is........but is is that he is lying or that he DOESN'T KNOW?

wow

ok

hmm

i don't think it is someone else tho

Maven Huggins

i think that is a good part of it
I think he is caught between living and surviving in this terrible place called trinidad and being the pure soft hearted soul he is.
I see him thinking he has great friends and a cousin but they are all shithounds, asshole smartment or proving that they are not for him. from the outside looking in, that is the huge thing i have seen about his life these two months
but he does not admit it, or when he does, he plays it down. his children have recently shocked him too

Maven Huggins

him not knowing who he is might run way deeper than i can know or see too

Lois H. Y. Lewis

wow

ok

Maven Huggins

but he is under a great amount of pressure now:
he said it:
"war at home"
"war at work"
and us and our battles that i now think are not of me. all him. but he does not see it. He does have a lot of dark suffering areas about him. this has been instructive to me.. the first time i tried to relate to a trini man...and though he fits in some areas, in others, not.
Bizarre i tell you

Monday, April 22, 2013

ShitHounds

and i have to tell you that is what the forest refreshed me from and of yesterday.
i am surrounded by assholes. we do not understand the extent to which sexism influences our every moment of daily life as women: men who expect that you know nothing to little and definitely not to rival their knowledge and understanding; that anything you say has to be wrong or needs correcting; that your solutions can not possibly work let alone make sense. they whose every refrain is "you not listening" and that is such a weighty phrase: why must i listen to you? are you listening to me? where does the saying of that phrase come from? why is it not part of my framework? if someone is not listening, I just repeat myself. but i think that is a direct flow of assumed presumed authority and heft; thus instruction and correction. i am and have been surrounded by assholes.

the electrician even came on site. saw me at the gate decorating, passed by just giving greetings and waves behind a darkened but closed window, so i ignored him while we both worked...only for me to hear him ask my partner, "who was i?" and i think he went on to state...'she walking around as if she is..." and i was doing nothing but my work and guiding the tent vendors. but why and how does someone see someone on a property that way...only because, i am not supposed to be those things...and worse yet, being a black hen chicken. further to that...one in command of every place I stand, owned or not.

i have been and am surrounded and infused by assholes. i just try to bear it. I cant fight it.
i also realize women cant fight men and their behaviors and mindset. Is like they come out born, lying and being deceitful, serving and intent to dismiss, erode and undermine your knowing and intuition. and i realize what violence and abuse that is. when you can look at someone in their face and tell them what they know is not true when you know it is true. and men effortlessly connect on that vibration of lies to women, obscuring and without plan or strategy, invoke the wall of silence, the grid of deflection. the sheer of deceit. but if a woman has sense and is square within herself. there is a split second on the faces of these menials where you can see they are scanning their brains to figure out what lie to insert and play. fascinating experience i had in the last few days. sad too. regrettable. but people will only be the animal they are, nothing else. no matter how far they went to obscure that too. a masque wears off sooner than later.

But i am not fighting or resisting. I just let go. I just shut down. but yesterday, for some reason, the forest lifted me back up. Enough so that another set of men were calling my name on stage, to a crowd. Senor Ruiz and Noel La Pierre. and imagine this, even got an apology from one man nine years or so after the fact. there is hope. you may not live to see and hear it but it comes. they turn around at some point . and even if they never do, they know in their hearts they are shit hounds. that is often why they act the ass. They know they are not up to snuff. So the ugly behavior becomes the shield and defense mechanism. I make that out just recently.

Hm Deep stuff
i need to get a shield

and i happen to think this dynamic is very strong and moreso here in the caribbean and trinidad in particular. it is kind of vile.

and no matter how much you like a fella, male friend or relative, you can hardly find the words to validate and instruct them. so more silence. and thus, reinforcement, pass and proliferation

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sometimes I need help to understand my world and psyche

"Moon enters Aquarius- Apr 04- 4.41am EDT- When the Moon visits Aquarius she is offering you the opportunity to connect with people of like mind but also gives you the support to give your spiritual gifts to the world."

at a real loss for words this evening
feeling completely confused and blindsided, wronged and completely wrong myself
far outside my bounds and lane i find myself
fighting it seems with all i have for what is not mine
and yet, taking blows after having performed, accomplished, for someone else's interest and coffer. their legacy and future
working outside my comfort zone and far inside my errors...
i do not contend much and when i do --not well at all.
one of anger and temper should not be tested by fire
it is just fuel to rage

and I am stunned wondering what is it i am really dealing with here
the line of "people with like minds" brings out the muse
at the base of it I am not among people with like minds. and maybe everything else i write after that is inconsequential, unnecessary and for redundancy emphasis, surplus.

o.0

am i wrong, really? Or is it i am being dealt bullshit, even if it has no name and then my reaction is called into question? am i in fact very legitimate? or am i dealing with people's buttons and insecurities? am i insensitive? speak to bluntly? not diplomatic? I never pretend to be nor do i ever call myself that. and i try to give disclaimers. I am probably more man that most and that there is critical problem number one, for a woman..while still being a woman. and what kind of woman is allowed that latitude?

when does specifying a possible need indicate someone as being negative? everything one does is with the intent to avoid what is unwanted. since when is that a personal affront? I need help to understand this dynamic, but it is a help that will never be forthcoming. and is it that i threw water in someone else's garden ? Cause if i talk of blackened toes, if yours arent, do you bother to engage, fight or challenge me? no. there is no need to? so then the push back is what? just your shit and projections? but i must be patient, kind and coddle with?

i am around people who want the benefits of my talents and gifts, but...do they respect me? do they respect women? do they like women? do they have hangups about women, strong women? competent women? and if you exceed your designated area, do they attack and try to bring you down? is this patriarchy, in very vague forms that make it hard to see? am i expecting common dogs to be pedigree? too much..unbridled expectations?

and any attempt at a conversation just goes in circles, obscurity, and the reading of anything but purity, so what is the point? futile

i realize i might be overly emotional for many reasons. i am tired. i am battered. but yet still i stand ready to give others what has never been forthcoming to me and yet i am chastised? something does not make sense. but i also too think it is karma. people who stood in the gap for me and got burnt> so now it is my turn. and i am not sure what i am reaping. not sure what i am experiencing. not sure how to turn and analyze the experience. not sure if i am in total error, partial for my lack of proper responses or if shit deserves shit begets shit. and i am just dealing with some pedestrian ordinary male expecting dominance bullshit. and still clueless as to how to respond. Apologize or Recognize? Fascinating really. I feel I need therapy.

but one thing I know.
i tried to have an event in January for Feb, a month distance. And it was neither seen, accepted, trusted or believed possible and it went no where. Now with those same people we are doing an event in less than that month, twentyone days. so you tell me. what is the proof of this whole tasty pudding?

i wish the moon would bring me like minded hearted people. but perhaps this is my cross. to be weird, peculiar, different and unwired among the opposites

apart from what ever is the truth< i am inadequate to the task
i have no clue what is right and wrong, up or down
where is error and where is safe

when you give your gifts to others and it is not enough to earn a pass
not enough to get grace

sometimes we write shit just so to make room for more...that is this...

--------------------------
i could do a meditation and academic program on anger, rage and reaction/
on deconstructing psyches and thinking
on understanding the true motivations, emotives, triggers and insecurities among and within personalities, genders and hidden mental dynamics

work out all my own kinks
So i will know when and why I stop swimming, singing, smiling and shining>..

and when you have to think of doing that on a day when you shone so bright, something is desperately deeply wrong...but only you know it

perhaps you were too bright in their eyes
and being damaged and broken, bouncing back is hard

you ask me to tell you that i love you after a long taxing day, when nothing but the cloak of my love for you covered me, went before me, dripped from me, motivated me, fired me..talked for me...and even when you left me to defend myself...yet

-------------------------------

planetary activations Apr 03 and 04

by Dale Osadchuk (Notes) on Tuesday, 2 April 2013 at 21:18

Capricorn Fourth Quarter Moon- Apr 03- 12.37am EDT to Apr 06- 12.37pm EDT- Moon in Capricorn square Venus in Aries- 3.13am EDT- sextile Mercury in Pisces- 4.57am EDT- square Mars in Aries- 6.35am EDT- As we mentioned yesterday the Fourth Quarter phase is about realignment and revision. It asks us to focus on what is working and strengthen that. It also asks us to release what is not working so we are not stuck in old patterns. The squares to Venus and Mars are asking us to prepare for a new relationship vision that gets activated on Apr 07. Remember this also means the relationship with self.Moon enters Aquarius- Apr 04- 4.41am EDT- When the Moon visits Aquarius she is offering you the opportunity to connect with people of like mind but also gives you the support to give your spiritual gifts to the world. Pluto in Capricorn sextile Chiron in Pisces- 8.53am EDT- Pluto (transformation) and Chiron (healing) work well together. This is healing and transformation not just on a personal level but an opportunity to heal the collective wound. Moon in Aquarius sextile Uranus in Aries- 8.02pm EDT- square Saturn in Scorpio- 9.48pm EDT- These two aspects give us breakthrough (Uranus) and new ways to release limitation (Saturn) so the foundation of our life supports our Soul Purpose gifts. Breakthrough is an inner process. When you are free within nothing can block you from living your purpose.

_____________

Jp Parsons

Good night... Be up in a few hours .. Have a blessed day.
Maven Huggins

Good Night>>>
life is heavy on my mind this evening I dont even have words
But it is interesting that you would write me g'night...i wondered if you would sense something was wrong...
But i only write to share with you that i ponder your thank you on the posting...and keep thinking {we were soaring this morning, the light fantastic, only for me to be shot down this evening , even as i went onto more stars and grand accomplishments this afternoon...and all because I think i am dealing with sexist male privilege, dominance and subjugation by any means. I am not sure. but trying to process.
i just had to tell you. and what i write is inadequate and may be confusing, but...thanks so much. just a bit confused this evening
embraces
Jp Parsons

No... I sense it... It is a tricky place you walk.. A between here and there.. Trying to help- without any secure footing.
I will send Reiki to help you. Try and spend mornings with man.. His evenings he is struggling tooo much.. And feels like lashing out.
Sing... Shake off his behavior. Do use your voice- tell him you will not tolerate disrespect.. You can walk away from him, tell him.. You are a queen and deserve proper treatment.
Maven Huggins

it is not his behavior as much as it is his cousin, but he stands by just as oblivious and refusing to intervene. it is sexism. asking the blind to see
after such a spectacular day it ended in fights i had with both of them. I feel horrible. Feel deeply stunted and sad that such a mixture is possible and suffering the reality of that truth alone.
i really am amazed. the compromise of relationships and relating, even when successful
Jp Parsons

When you use your voice... To defend yourself, how do you feel?

They are afraid you will commit to all these outsiders...
Jp Parsons

My eyes are heavy.. Sleep in dragging he to the beach... Where I melt upon the white soft sand to become the winds... Goodnight sweet friend... If it is meant to be.. It will. Be light! (Hugs)

Is dragging me.. Tired
Maven Huggins

i am down on myself about that. I have my own problems. I have a temper. I am very angry about lots in life. and when it is triggered by a lot of bullshit, and it always is, I live in bullshit nation no. 1, I get enraged. I shout. In the last few years i have taken to cussing. I am not pretty and so it makes me sad because i feel now i am way out of line and control but i realize the truth of it is i have been subjected to nonstop madness for a long time. A long time..and being a woman and a black woman with very masculine behaviors and privileges, does not earn me stripes or stars but a lot of negativity, from all sides depending on the situation
i am just stunned to find it so internally with two people I hoped to be connected with. And yes my love tries, but his own issues gets in the way. I saw tonight that he is fearful to gel with me in a way that his cousin will feel i have him under control. and he expresses a refusal to intervene unless "i am being disrespected" and he said tonight, given my cussing and shouting, who should be protected from whom...as if his cousin needs protection from me, so I really feel unhappy for all what is unacceptable...
Maven Huggins

good night love.
sorry to write all this when you were trying to rest.
I shall be okay...
forgive me...bad timing
sweet dreams
Jp Parsons

Oh dear lord. That last part med me raise my eyebrows... Who should be protected from whom?
Dear Lord! (Sigh)
I must respond... The only lesson I learned- from leaving my husband - for a woman... And she decided she couldn't leave her life... Is this:
To have a drama triangle there are 3 players:
The victim
The persecutor
The rescuer
There can be one person playing 2 roles... This morning.. After all the turbulent energy-- you might be n the rescuer mode...
And your mate also in this mode.
It will be interesting.
If I can imagine...the cousin might be doing some under handed playing.. Kick back with money.. I wonder his motivation- or lack there of.
Be calm..
Be light
Be love
Be whole
(Hugging you)
You are a marvelous spirit... You see the potential and are ready to honor the work... They might not be.
Night night.
Maven Huggins

You have gifts!!!
You can see and read? Do you know that?
You just wrote their characters and stories and I told you nothing of that...
Me and my Love are Rescuers. Of each other and my love is trying to rescue his cousin who is some sort of money risk ...I would write embezzler but that would be unfair. My love told me he had to get him out of jail and used his house as collateral. but says he does not know the story and never asked. He does say he is trying to make him whole
And tonight I did think in my deep recess in time my love will see what his cousin is doing to me...he is intimidated by me. he is a charlatan, a fake. but actually wondered what all must i endure till then. but my love is not innocent either. he too is sexist but he is in process....and if not for that, just to be aware in general
i am almost floored by your reading
Maven Huggins

yes, my love has no idea what he said to me, and that is why i feel paralyzed now. I feel as much as the love is, and how hard he is working and trying there is something eggregious and unforgiving in that remark...even in anger
i am tired trying to work through

g'nite friend. thanks
Jp Parsons

Yes.. I know I read some people well.. Not all.. Only very select connects..
Babe girl I will send the angels to stand by you.
They will give you composure- you shall never need to raise your voice again.
You can whisper your disdain .
You can move mountains with a whisper.
(Grinning)
Night Love
Maven Huggins

if i could accomplish that in all areas, all interactions, all engagements, when i am flying and gay to when i am down in the dumps Jp, I will have accomplished all things in life. Just that.
My anger and my rage,
my intensity of emotions
my apparent lack of control
are my curses.
I wish you could do that magic
no matter how i try or think i am managing. some ass always shows me I am too
Jp Parsons

When you truly want
You will truly do

Zzzzzz ...
Maven Huggins

...yeah, i think i take some kind of pride in breathing fire on bs.
and if one is to do that one should have all thine ducks in a row at one's own castle and land...
not when you havent a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of...
something upside down about that and that is me. upside down
Jp Parsons

Laughing... Zzzz god I adore u