Truth Highs and Lows

it is now 5:49pm Saturday July fifth twenty fourteen
i feel the need to bare my soul witness to its weight
i feel the need to speak my truth having seen this graphic
it is a window and door to free myself. some kind of altar



i am not sure why but it is as if i am in some synchronized menstrual depression
or post menstrual depression and i only reference that because i had premenstrual syndrome right before this cycle. and i never know it happened until my period rains.

but this cycle as it is ongoing, i think my current feelings have to do with many things surrounding it.
i met so many men in the weeks prior. kenias chikerema, mark lewis, and then old friends in the mix like chippy richie.

but today, just now, it is like my melancholy has a partiular dosage of steroids.
it is flowing and high, not quite raging.
but i am sad. i am lonely. i am wanting i am needing
all the things that do not exist for me:
friendships, love, reliability, commonality

i wish to reach out to tell someone how i feel but there is no one
i wish to be held and embraced in the most purest of motivations but that is a fantasy
i wish to be in embrace with one whose love is delicious but it is not possible
he is neither available or single
i wish to be free of people who make my living burdensome, like turu, but it is as if i am her life raft
\i wish to be mature about my reality
and not delusional, angry, sad or any negative emotion
but to embrace and accept it with grace and lessons
but it is like it threatens to overcome

i wish to stop smoking and though i stopped for july, about two days ago i had two, and yesterday, liming, i had many.

i know i am sad about one big thing
and that is the lack of relationships and friendships in my life
i woke up this morning remembering that a seer person once told me that i am forever destined to have just three months or so interactions with men, that it will not be long lasting. i wonder what that is, and what i have to do to break that curse or pattern

i know i am sad because a seemingly effortless connection with kenias was disrupted i am not sure from what and who or both, he did tell me that he was concerned about getting too attached to me and then suddenly,  we were battling and separated not talking. it literally broke my heart, I was sad and regretful and that was since from Monday.

i am sad to need and want people more than they need and want me
i am regretful of what ever package of goods that make me dysfunctional in the relationship department. but is it really so hard to find a man on my vibration, who is a clean freak, a great cook, loves food, single, excellent conversationalist, knows a lot, very intelligent and accomplished, secure and competent and full of resources and wealth, and generous to share all that besides?

why is it so impossible to meet someone you are in total and every vibrational sync with, who is single, able and providing so you meet and you can immediate sail into the sunsets, over and over again, every day <3 br="" compatibility="" heartaches.="" joyful="" just="" no="">

anyway, i wont belabor this but when i started writing it was with the vision to be on stage talking of my desire for mark lewis, just bare lust it would seem, because he is nothing else I dont believe.

i know too i get sad at the idea and truth that a man can easily fill my head with  chat, lyrics, and the court of convincing and manipulation. i wish i was vaccinated

i dont wish to keep repeating these heartaches. any . none

my truth is bitter and solitary

 


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who are you that reads these personal excavations?

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well...this is why i write...

June Gifts, Proof, Plans and Solstice

rude , dread , cross and coarse, but posting scripture
reminds me of all the black couples i saw at paprika thursday night
to a man. the men all opened the doors, let themselves in and then the females proceeded after. in one case a staff member had to hold it open for her. it is not even a hold the door open once inside as your party or date or team proceeds in, but let yourself in and others to see for themselves. i and my guest watched that. if you take things in toto you will see there is a grave problem and these males are like feral creatures, past just the lack of class.

been holding things in for a few days. having experiences and not writing about them, not sure why. the movement would not come though i told myself i was trying to remember features and dreams. but i realize it is kind of hard to write about some folk who i know and are here with me on fb when i encounter them. it was brought to the fore when a beloved told me, "put me in your blog tomorrow", which itself was a lightbulb. hearing that i thought and wondered might i create a practice and following of socializing, eating and events then write about it, having a demand built up for its byline? and true enough i was surprised to hear that cute remark, and the next day a post i wrote on lusty pizza surely made its mark, if not just by two. but i also realize there are far more readers and lurkers than participants who show themselves

i was on flight yesterday. i drove for the first time from west to east, at full speed, surprisingly as my vehicle is not in its best shape. i was being trailed. That in itself provided the high, an engineer architect was accompanying me to see the land. Going full speed, as the universe would allow, ahead to plans. And what i saw when i got there both shocked, surprised, made me both happy and sad. That place is abandoned once again. Over grown to shoulder in some parts and thigh high to the drive. my painting is still sealed to the wall. cucumbers are growing wildly. I am very glad and happy i dumped the rotten ones in the drain of the mounds. i suspect the pumpkin might be coming in as well. before i even got on the land though i was greeted by one of the dogs. the other two absent. i kept on wondering where they were. i was told that they were both dead. one got hit by a car, the other ate some poison or the other, and so did her pup. but the one that remained she had a puncture wound in her thigh.

as we proceeded to review the land, i stopped taking it in as I had to pee * talk about class * but as i moved to my normal practice, i heard my co-venturer say there is another dog. i thinking nothing of it, but it would be odd for the dog to be so silent to a stranger and not come bounding me down...and so i stopped on my mission and turned to find him. i see no dog, he tells me it is in a room. I say in a room. I go to see it. only to see a big faced beige pit bull coming toward me. i backed out and told him to walk out but not run. but we should have known something was off. the dog neither barked nor rushed. no was in any way agitated. it did start to follow us. walking cooly and then jogging, jaunting. and i told him to get in his car. i doing my business between two open doors . he never followed us that far. i and we thought it was placed there to protect the property. but in talking to the neighbor, i realized immediately, he himself never thinking of it. Someone dumped that dog on the cumuto road.How he got damaged, I dont know but that is why he did not bark, he has a huge abscess in his face, at the mouth and jaw.. Brokenhearted i was for these dogs. 






I then realized how much of a farce the chase has been. he morphs according to what friends and company he keeps and has, according to the agenda they map out. everyday we went there to work , clear and clean the land. every other day he would feed the dogs, cook for them. it is clear he does neither.

i had so many thoughts.
the government, those asses of a tribe, need to rewrite that dangerous dog act and make a caveat for those of us who house, care and take guardianship of dumped and abandoned dogs. we should be free of any charges, they govt should pay, quietly, for those of us who take them off the road.

second of all i want you all to see yourselves as trinidadians. what does it mean that you have an animal and because there are new rules, you just dump the animal. the level of ignorance there. it is funny to me in a tragic way because it is like the very effect the law tried to prevent, danger to the public has been increased by a fold of how ever many animals are released. it indicates a deep apathy and incapacity. ..so these owners could not amass and coordinate a plan. You know that land would be perfect for that/ To create a doggy park for abandoned dangerous dogs.

i just need partners. for the money to set things up, you can become a co-owner, or get land in return And there are so many options:

1. Doggy Park/
2. Green Complex
3 Recreational Children Grounds & Garden PathPark*
(ever notice there are no partks in this trinidadtobagoland?)
4. Recycled Model Homes Display -
5. EcoForestry Retreat/
6. Horse Paddock
7. Healing Center/

All those things I would do at the same time.

Imagine being at a park where horses come up to you, milling about, eating grass while a couple lays on a blanket amidst a flower and herb garden, while their children are in the bouncy castle, jungle jim, green paddock, cricket pitch -- offside!!

Or on the day of the healing center, people are streaming in with offerings into the pavilion welcome center, where they write their concerns and requests, get a rose and proceed to the river to dump their worries into the river for it to be taken to sea.. then perhaps have a group meditation adn light lunch.

anyway, i have to get those doges to a vet, but i am hesitant to do it as i have not the post vet visit set up in place. then I wonder who provides pro bono abandoned dogs and animals health care?

and who knows of a big organized incapacity contractor who can immediately clean and cut the land. Grade the acre. lay about a mile of soft colorful pebbles, landscape the rest, powerwash the ruin, set a unique and artist roof and top to the ruin, refurbish the ruin into a pavilion, welcome center, gourmet kitchen, italian wraparound patio, with two lounges, several out door bathrooms, install a slew of tanks, underground preferably, build a designer creative recycled home. build railings to the river. refurbish and block the riverbank from erosion and land flooding. build a dog park, build horse coverings at locations, install an outdoor work out gym, and children's park (adults to infants), and build some model recycled homes, which themselves will be retreat cabins.

i was flying yesterday because i have free and clear sailing

topping that off was a bess lime with totally new friends/ leaving to go home only to land in another patos in the neighborhood. the lighting incense at the table , my first time ever to do that in company, was a winner.

Lets create a friendly society
that is what a group of people do when they match or collectivize funding for a mission.

Let us create a collective investor group
that land is sure to make money.
it will do too many things, for too many a number of constituents, representing various interests and of international import and support

Let us do this crowd funding
all contributors owners and funders - with lifetime access and use of the place // and more terms and benefits besides

send me a billionaire patron/age who is willing to experiment and has extra to give. Help me make my hand



i will consider yesterday's revealing and blessings as a bounty and sign of the happy june solstice
other stories of days past:

i met someone and in talking and exchanging and them hearing my story, they asked me did i write and publish or was my story published in the newspaper recently and i laughed and told them yes. i thought that was odd. the immediate connection, the memory of the story. how it stood with that reader and we are talking a good two months time span eh.

i keep having visions come to my memory but as if when my mind approaches it to embrace it, to be able to tell or recall it, it vanishes happened about twice. i know these are things i would want to tell and share.

standing on their own these doodads signify nothing but as a collection of vignettes, become more entertaining. i think

Open the Church Healing Center

Daily Oracle Card Reading 6/20/14~Energy Healing~

This card is being given to you as a message from your Spirit Guides. You know and have known for many years that you have the gift to heal, yet you doubt because you've been told you need a certain technique to use this gift.

The truth is you have "The Gift" you don't need special training to use it, it's within YOU not within books or what someone else tells you it is.

So stop looking for answers on how to use it and just use it!! The energy to heal resides in everyone, yet only a very small amount of people will ever use it. Don't keep putting off using your natural God given gift to help yourself and others.

Having knowledge in different techniques isn't a bad thing, it's just not necessary to do your work. Your Spirit guides are saying trust yourself, and use this gift NOW, listen to your intuition, and the angels, and you will do amazing work.
Blessings Ladean

— with Psychic-Medium Ladean Snodgrass.

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an engineer told me i could and should be a life coach/
I give excellent professional advice and strategy
i solve every one's problems. no matter how big; last year was the biggest:
Twelve Acres/ Twelve Million Dollars Worth

Healers run in my family: for generations on my father's Three. It skipped one. Now me.
Radas on an arm of my mother's family. Seadly
And this apart from the undercover magick women who have showed themselves to me, in dreams, after their death: my maternal grandmother Maria and my great aunt, Lilla; the latter appearing as an Annunaki. I think my other great aunt too, Petra had gifts. The neighbor Ms. Forgenie saw her walking the road when my Mama died. She was already dead.

I am now trying to heed the signs, wonders and instructions from all quarters

Last night, the Ethiopian replied when I told her how i do art and of a vision i had through wake and sleep, that the chakras, the Third Eye is speaking to me. and that indeed the holy spirit is guiding me, just as Reeanna Harrilal had once told me upon her only visit to my home years ago.

I dont know how long again; but If you can get over your fear, come check me.
Things happen to people who do not heed their science, gifts and mathematics.
Seadly was the one in my family of that I witnessed.

My welcome is indeed my plea

killing season: compounded, compiled, circular and cumulative/ redounded to the least and smallest

Open Children Season in Trinidad 2014

Maven Huggins 

"i am not a bible thumper, but you know i always look for signs and wonders..is there not a part of the bible that deals with taking children , death to those born of parental iniquity.. or about the homes that had to paint on their doors so the death maester would pass them by...something so. even if it is a fairy tale and allegory? are we not living it? how many children this season? it not guava. it is child season"

https://www.facebook.com/maven.huggins/posts/10152495511335148?comment_id=10152497051785148&offset=0&total_comments=31&notif_t=feed_comment


I have so many thoughts i dont know who would be offended by which one.
i can cut and paste storylines and theories and not be adherent to one in particular.

That "good for nothing" part. sad to say i agree.. what we were brought, bred and  promulgated for has ended. western society structure and building. and we were never smart enough to convert our training, skills, insights knowledge into the next thing. like how the syrians came in suitcases and now own conglomerates. we never figured out how we came in boats, so build them, or we came to grow cane and agriculture so be the magnates in that area. our choices have led us down a vacuous path. we ran away of all that we knew how to do. I am writing this and think someone better than me, who knows more than me, who has the intricacies to write this should be cause i am too dilettante to try..i only manage because of my economic development insights, but it is way more than this...it is psychology...why and how is it a people leave what they know to go out into the world?  leave that pin there

psychology again. i just wondered about black people and money. why when we get money we buy consumption of what will be destroyed and consumed into nothing: it dies, it deteriorates. why dont we save. all tripe thoughts but all part of our demise . pin

cut to the chase. "if the children are dying, you have no future"
question. what future did does black people have as we speak, a year ago, five years ago, tomorrow., IF these children weren't dying.??? Lets match what is happening here to what is happening in Chicago. The latter I dont think many can conceive. I think in any one day there can be as much as 45 shootings of young people in chicago. I hope i am not exaggerating.. i write that and i wonder how it is no one has not stopped the Illiniois state from running, how the president has not pulled out all the stops, sent in a task force or some angle of the army guard. is tht not a crisis?

I then wonder how much of what the black african is living, around the globe where ever they may be...is part of the master plan as outlined in the triangulation commission, the plan that JFK tried to stop, or whatever plans Europe had for africa beyond its underdevelopment via exploitation from root to leaf,, in all sphere. Know how europe is exploiting africa now? after their economies are dead and dying from the economic crisis that hit there hardest, their people are re-immigrating back to africa, especially the ones with degrees and phds, to get jobs, robbed of africans, in africa. silent story.

if you cant work what can you do? and if you never concentrated on making your own businesses what can you do, and if you dont have an empire of survival mechanism, then what do you do/ you lay dying in graps or by groups

my larger point and question is...did we want these folk to keep living? seriously. mad question as it is. but where we going? where were we going? where are we going? that is some deep shit right there.

And if we are honest and serious-- I spend my time trying to run to the hills from whence cometh my help. lolol. I forgot that line all these years but i been trying to get to the bush since 9-11. too much is at its end, the earth even so it is a matter of time before disasters and i was just trying to prepare for them, to survive them. hills, bushes , mountaintops/ grow your own food, stay away from the manic rabid humanity that are feasting on each other, and i really think we have no idea how much we are doing just that. feasting on each other

but here is my crazy thing. I dont believe all those god stories i have read, studied and been indoctrinated well. I believe they are and were all for power and control.. i dont think we understand how much the world that was set up was for power and control, and all means were employed, including mental slavery. why is it only us quiver with the holy books. how come the rulers of the world dont business? what i see is man and nature and man storing up in the world destruction, and by destruction he becomes rich, and by destruction he shall die. something like the game of thrones is so good for me , my spirit and my life. that is all it is about your throne. how big or small but if you come to dismantle mine, we have a problem, and i am not buying this turn other cheek mess. i have a valerian valyrian sword too, or maybe my sword is of shango stone or yemoja sea shells. or samurai glint/ but i not waiting for somebody else to vindicate me or against the evil you do me. and i do truly believe a wrong can set another wrong right.. that is straight mathematics and physics.

know what my new belief system and religion is, ? Nature. Following her and Gaia. Following the animals. the lower animals. Humans are a mess and a waste and lay it so for all other creatures living. and just like how if you poison your living cell you die, same way, gaia is a giant cell, and she is being poisoned, and we will be destroyed to come again//// i firmly think that is the only answer. cause if you ask me, i wish for none of the characters about me to perpetuate

all our notions: are on bullshit: forgiveness, humility, guilt...does nature do any of that? lolol..  we started right and got turned wrong/ and it gets to a point that you can never turn back. that is where we are now.

see. this shit is deep. Ms. Yvonne Ashby, the black woman who created the Anti Smelter Movement. used to say her father taught them and her...of siblings..."a stupid woman is bad enough but a stupid man must dead" and what would be a stupid man or woman -- one who is good for nothing

we writing the world right here in this thread
the outcomes and unfoldings not so surprising
pure basic natural selection happening in the universe
and even those on the sidelines feeling they are doing nothing, if at least they can see correctly and record it accurately, they have a purpose.

just some musings and thoughts

------------our greatest demise is that we have no zero none- sense and understanding of how this world really works. the natural world, the supernatural world, or the world of men, in all its quarters and so we again, die because of that. compounded and compiled, circular and cumulative....all nature again-----

Clouds are Moving Out/ Awakenings

"i am sorry if you are right, i will agree with you " ~ AWAKENINGS

my aunt who has been warring with me for years, and since she has returned to our family home. just came to me with a proposal she hatched and been praying about to get me a job within her and my mom's circle!

i told her that i have before me two options that came to me just this week to manage land farm estates, but as we know people talk, they have great intentions and then nothing comes of it but if they did that is what i would do, and really, find a way to do both...i feel i am that competent

in any regard, i was in the kitchen cooking when she came to me with this...and i come back to the salon recognizing i am sailing. and why? I realize i am a kitten a love doll, if only i am in that environment. i fly if ever people would stop battling me needlessly...i dont battle nobody. but i am constantly battled...and just that small intention. that small gesture. that show of true love...and she came to me with the right energy. fullness of heart.. i was just like. I will do it. and we both realize and recognize others about us would not be in reinforcement so to hear her strategize an approach to avoid others blocking it or dissuading her... told me something else. she knows and has indicated before she saw that i was being battled by mommy...

i am so bowed. i have no words. but i do.
i wrote a few weeks ago how i am seeing those just bow before me, enemies switch to being behind me. and it is not me, it is the soul. my light and energy is good always has been . i never had to change. it was them they needed to stop seeing me as a threat. anyway, i dont want to say more or the wrong things to make it sordid or to lose any understanding but i am so humbled. like my sister carlene said, 'i dont have to do anything'..

it is also the second time in a few weeks enemies have come to me and told me that "they had prayed for a solution and reconciliation" ...and then... i never respond anything but good and love when it is so brought

but i am so touched. and a code was broken...i had to effuse...<3 br="">

Predestined

part three

i see clearly i have been greatly rich in past lives, ancient and past lives. i think i may have been obscenely rich like these syrians here...onto ten and more generations. i have had lives for longer than that. and being ancient besides. yes i repeated myself there twice, but still trying to convey different dimensions to the same existence...so to have lived so long and to remain in the same cart so to speak...living, inhabiting, being and appearing rich to so many, all and sundry...even as I am sans so much if not almost all material gifts, for me to remain rich under those circumstances, today, makes me think i had to be obscenely rich previously. It is a range of things...the impossibility to get at humility,and a humble inhabitedness and visage that many remark about, even and especially given my apparently broken circumstance. who does that. it is like kunta kinte who never gives in no matter how stripped of flesh, bloodied and bones broken, he shall never change his name. it is the inability and absent the form to be any kind of employee. it took me years to recognize that, but i have always had a problem being an employee. likewise, i recognize to be a good employee requires some serious slave protocols that i seem to be completely missing. it is like the modern day pieces dont add up until you go back to some unknown herhistory or story.

so. to be reaping rewards of being housed, fed, shelthered and cared for/ for free
speaks to some neverending well, chasm or universe of good will carrying my soul.
to have nothing and still find the required something to clear a family debt to gift them land in this twentyfirst century 2013, means i have unending riches still trailing. there was so much at one time, that through time, dimensions, worlds, universes, cultures and cosmos, and still have when i cant pull two coins together. well. chippy has said everything is laid right there at my feet. the odd things people say to me, over time come to have meaning. i await though to understand what it was gita said to me at my door a few months ago. but i remember the blind seer, when he told me i was the mother of the stars. if that were true then such a person will always have stars at her hands to make rich all those about her wouldnt she? even as she tarried naked and without abilities and implements. not this world but the before and the next. not what is seen but what is unsseen. and is dat <3 br="">
that heart that is gullible, well intentioned, full.  the cost of all that fullness has to be the scrapes the sullying the robbery, even every now and then

Personal Responsibility of One's Gullibility

what is up with the high school AV (audio visual) team background on Morning Brew? the unmatched one hundred eighty degree L or U shape-- one side looks like a cartoon set, and the other is a disjointed out of focus photograph of what is a very hazy blurry picture of port of spain. are we really derelict and mediocre to that total degree?

sorry to wake up in the morning...only to see deficiencies

i see my own too
i have been sitting on something since yesterday
and as i write that i wonder why do trinidadians wait so long to jump on things, why are they so slow to get moving on an idea , an agreement, a plan. .i am the direct opposite. so much so , i have been called oya for it. other people will require endless conversations on a matter. and to trinidadians, my mother, conversation does not mean confirmation, not even more than one. that stumps me forever . what then is the point of the exchange? this is another way i see locals convert and turn upside down practices of efficiency, purpose, accomplishment.

back to my own deficiencies...
part of the peace that has been sweeping over me since and over 2013 has been the acceptance of responsibility for my own failings, ineptitude, and dereliction of and for self. we see signs but ignore them. we make excuses for behaviors. when we want something or believe we are on a mission we can be blindsided and singular focus. i realize for months now one of the worse things that can happen to you is to have goals, dreams and visions, and dont ever come close to it or reach the threshold, i fear you would lose your head, mind and focus on all else for the elixir and nirvana of accomplishing your one and biggest goal. The other fault too i know is that we project. all of us do. most of us, I, only talk about it though when it is negative, of brokenness...i was projecting myself. And i am as pure hearted well intentioned as they come. when you are like that you would see snakes and think them rabbits. do not mix that good intention with gullibility either. . and i have admitted that so many times these months, and a few times people say i was in love. and i was. deeply so. pure hearted people go to the heights depths and far reaches of emotions. they dont have blockages of ulterior motives you see.. i wont even go into what was done and said to me, the path i was taken along a garden to help aid the mission of the snake slithering...i wont, i will just talk and focus on being so desperate, wanting, needing certain aspects of life that for me never happened...
so in the last few days, since monday, or tuesday when i walked to the meeting to get paperwork, and yesterday when i sat with the lawyer, i was calmly acclimating to the water of my reality, my role and responsibility, my path, my karma. oh yes. talking to cathy out of love allowed me to accept it n a perfect way. it was her. that conversation..."we have paid in full this karmic tally" and really there is no other way to calculate the thing. i have essentially been a patron to the biggest shithound and biggest shithound family of five, ever. preferring to live in some form of substandard in town and leave a multi acre spread with a really fine house for vandalization and ruin. buying brand new hilux instead of paying off a mother's debt that was a gift. how does that happen. and you think i am crazy when i talk of magic?  the super secession of basic natural physics happens every day. i realize there is no bigger honor for a life. to save a family legacy.

but apart from my growing acceptance of all of that, my settling in with my personal responsibility of outcomes, being used, manipulated, deceived. there are costs and price for all modes we inhabit/ and no free rides, tokens or awards for being the good person of the year, be an ass and get played like an ass. but i have one question. after you accept your fallibility, gullibility, personal blame and responsibility in the situation, do you still go an exercise your legal right to execute judgement for compensation, right balance and vindication?

as i wrote, i felt one of this person's price will be dementia