Laventille's LoveUntil Dreams and Development, August 2016 (c) (R)

 my brain should be donated to science for inquiry, exploration and investigation. my whole being, energetic waves and such. but not when I die, while now, i am still alive.

cause things too odd with me

i dream dreams that are solutions, visions, answers. \

and be aware of them while i am still sleeping, slogging sleep not half way in and half way out. and then i remind myself and check in with myself, what am i to remember, while i go on sleeping, dreaming to something else. it does not always happen like that but it did last night

and i came up with another locational vision last night. for laventille. and we would change the name to love until, formally and it was james hackett's graphic that somehow gave me the stamp motto for the idea: the area's total makeover, rebuilding and refurbishing in the old french colonial plantation architecture.

All houses would be rebuilt, all on stilts, so the underneath are gardens, parking spaces and openness. then a floor for houseguests, all homes to run a b&b, rooms and hotels, even if it is just two en suites, or more as four, small hostels. and then on top of that the home floor of the owner.

and the house will have terrets, old fashioned galleries, and wrap arounds, very french quarter, and slat blinds or doors on the outside of french doors and windows as in James Hackett's Old Caribbean Homes Graphic

so we are building up the area, to include trams, and trains, cluster model will be in effect so restaurants, community center cafes and coffee shops. make the whole place wifi and on drone monitoring, and build it as a tourist center for port of spain, community living, a historic site restored.

structure it as part reparations, so we are building people's land and homes for free in exchange that they run a business according to international principles and listings,, taxes they pay go back into the community only, upgrade all the schools. put in a full service health center, preferably at the pinnacle of laventille, love until, to benefit from breezes, views and vistas

there are plenty angles for this to go...in green spots we can have wind turbines, one or a few, to generate electricity, all thee roofs could be installed with solar panels.. i would definitely want some garden plots, the empty lots will be converted to that, and huge fruit and trees planting in every lot.

this came to me while i was asleep

the money generation is two fold. if not more: family, family business, community, and then port of spain, thus the nation.

all employment goes to laventillians/

and the aim is to start building intentional integrated tourism

so companies who are doing ecotourism, would be invited to set up an office and operation in laventille. excursions from laventille, so that can be the trinidad tobago tourism hub and center. could even require every company to locate there. streamline, categorize > golf, chag water sports, dragonboating, sando festivals, tobago great race, tamana caves, toco fisherman's fete, caroni bird sanctuary, asa wright...all bookings , arrangements made from there.

leaving loveuntil port of spain to spend time elsewhere, not without a referral, transport to a sanctioned quality hotel, inclusive or resort.

And so we going, starting...national economic restructuring.

after this: Beetham. but i eh dream about that yet.

And I done have a plan for Moruga for three years now. Food Basket Organic
 

and even while I slept, I wondered who would be the bag person to fund this development, not just to start it but to see it through to its end

if the unions came together, they could fund and invest in this real estate development plan. believe me. they sitting on some serious money. and no chinese coming to build. we are hiring all the internal tradesmen who exist in all our neighborhoods, who hide their talents by walking around like bums. If i show you the lot in my hood, and the work they have done, you would be shocked.

onto another day

----------

 
maven baptiste ‏@montmaven 22s23 seconds ago

@paulpogba : there is much work that can be done. a country sale: social enterprise philanthropy as national development> mmladyh@gmail.com

Dont Be Dicked For Life, Marissa

gosh. i just woke up, having done so once or twice prior this morning. and was coming to write, if you wait this long in life, make sure he is a gentleman and not a cad.

that might be a remainder of conversations I was reading in a group of women about men, and why young people have gotten married in a rash and within two years, all divorced. the writer, an older woman was concerned, scared and pondered why and solicited views to explain. they came from a range: men were always cunts they just hid it after they felt they "bought" the woman in marriage. woman want name, male cheating was the big reason, male incommunication was also named, male behavior, bad male and female behavior, selfishness, pressures; financial, relationship, fantasies. expectations, the perception that marriage is a goal rather than the contract for work that it is, duty, doing the right thing, settling, lack of spirituality and maturity, people failing to be partners, circumstances...endless.

but then i see this post and realize this thing has me so perplexed, even when i was not taking it on, but the rash of comments yesterday and people's responses

is it that they expected dick to get a free pass or a nine day memory, especially when she was going to return to the world stage in time, as on her performance of the olympics? is it that everybody witnessed the debacle and sabotage of an innocent girl, the destruction of an olympic career, the murder of cain by able, so to speak, and really, really expected that we shall never speak of this again? and that all just strikes me as madness/ plain out of mind/ lack of mindedness.

I also wonder is it that these people expected that the sabotage and metaphoric murder happened, even if it was a sports murder, and think that we should move on and dick never pay for her role in the debacle? Never pay for her choice to accept the sullied post that belonged to another? to not answer for her crimes in a plot she played, if for no other reason than for refusing to say no, i shant be a part?

Is it that you all wanted this chick a get out of jail free card?

Really? What the fuck? who the hell are you guys?

Tillah Willah

25 mins ·

"Everyone in this place has been Thema'd at least once. Yesterday they got a bobolee to take out their pain on. Hurt people hurt people."

i get it, hurt people do hurt people/ but is that the issue here?

On a national scale, a whole nation watched a black girl get railroaded by lies and schemes, removals and dastardly deceit. I write now and i see that was my story with sandra batie. so are there crimes for which no one shall pay? somehow? some day?

I find to say this is about hurt people hurting people is too simplistic, absolves dick of all her deeds, and that is what perplexes me. how come.? why? What do we have going on here? is it the same the little white girl syndrome? the feeling bad for the white red riding hood? At the expense cause you know black girls dont matter? who would have sat silently to watch dick get destroyed by a thema if their roles were changed?

I really trying to process this thing in sanity but i swear to you, I see a fkg rat.

since when and why and how this suspension of consequences to your actions? and why have i never seen it before.? and we have not eh. politicians come. they raid, they are watched riding into the sunset. a new set of politicians come, and all they do is bump gums of what the previous did without ever taking action and authority to do so, cause all of a sudden they have no authority to grab and wheel/ it is all a farce. a matter of will, preference, privilege and choice.

i dont know if it is the colonials are just in shock that this lily white girl is getting her ass handed to her by karma, as a public , a global public watches in the time of social media and open commentary, and feeling sorry for massa, all over again.

you gallery revolutionaries kill me. yes

 the fact of the matter, we have not all been thema'd/ trinidad could be renamed to marissa dick. or dick country and no one wold ever pause to wonder why. even to the point of no consequences for any of your dick actions.

so poignant and poetic that it was the unbalanced beam that the truth of her lie and the farce of her fraud 
finally revealed

wrong speedways

was at some outdoor event, like on the grounds of a home development or apartment complex. it seemed americanish but my trini family was there. then there was some tragedy and fire was rolling across the grounds and you had to jump it into the street to get away from it eating you. i was running away with one of my cousins. there seemed to be famous people there from places unknown to me and cameras filming it like news.

anyway, as we retreated to our cars, I got separated, ended up driving my mom's red wingroad with an unknown white lady, i imagined my cousins were either standing waiting at their car, for me or left me.

i wonder who was that white lady? was it my maternal grandmother? what purpose was she serving in the dream? she was mostly silent, but a calm, assured company, reinforcement. i might have panicked was she not there, and somehow ? encouraging me to keep going? keep trying. keep driving. just dont stop i think

And as I drove, i left where that complex was and ended up in some weird, intricate, unknown network of ramps and highways in the city of where ever i was, and it was full of high stones and rocks to separate the neighborhoods,, it was like you being in delaware and you take a turn and find yourself in sanfrancisco with maryland highways, and actually, no where in the world have i see a network of roads, ramps and exits like that. it was really alien and riddlic

and i could make no sense of direction and though i have a great sense of direction, every turn and exit i tried to make turned out to be the opposite of what i expected and took me further away from my desired destination . direction (goal and outcome)> i am now interpreting as i tell the dream..

i guess this was a dream of my recent experiences capstoned but the whole of the last sixteen years.4

i need to stop driving?

I need to stop using family cars?

i need to stop hanging with family?

the place, trinidad, that i keep trying to leave and move away from keeps a hold on me. I cant leave?i\

i am the battered wife of a trinidad husband? except I dont even see trinidad as a male, i dont think. the problem is i dont see it as female either. it is like a douen, perhaps, both and unformed neither/

writing is a fascinating thing and tool.

it really is problem solving

when i thought of the dream i had no clue of meaning

it was in the writing that it emerged

and i keep wondering is cedric really the beast he appeared to be?

kind of astounding

i remember i eluded to that once months before when i likened him to family members' and their deceitful acts...and he talked of "living off of him" . yes. he is that sick. he is just as he appeared and probably way worse. is why an ex would want him destroyed. seems he is doing a great path to accomplish the goal himself.

he and all could have been the fire running the grass that i was jumping over to escape/

the green and greenery ruined, the only safety was concrete and automobiles. odd eh?

bulletsmissed

True Ifa Justice: Osun

can your justice be secured if you do not go to battle for it?

i wake this morning recounting the ways i have played along with others' deceit and my demise, and think it is time I radically stop and put myself on watch and vanguard, and more than that, return to scenes to secure my interests

i hovered over this when i saw it. did not know what to write the first time. wondered whose name to call. wondered what strategy to use, it is not apparent but somehow this write up to me applies and relates to my thoughts this morning, the fighting justice osun, the honey is for the sweet changes, the honey is also for the spanner in another's wheel and motion, the honey is also my offering to success. the honey is the fight

ase' edumare

part two

maybe trinidad wont let me leave cause i have too much to fight for and regain here. i wish jackie was here to read this. she is the one who told me last week to figure out why this place wont let me go or move on?

i think of carl huggins robbing me of the maternal legacy of land.

of him robbing yet another black woman to give to the other, make them/her rich.

i think of those who sought to play and manipulate me for their enrichment, to secure a legacy they had let dwindled to nothing for fifteen years or more, they intentionally watched me and played a game of chess in my innocence, naivete and stupidity

less so, but i think of those, women in my maternal family, who they too try to, in verbal ways, remove me from the legacy of this space as if my blood line is not the same and identical as them and all of us to the woman who was the matriarch here, married to the patriarch. and it is them two i belong to the most, Felix and Maria. is them child I is.

i got a lot to fight for.

and i need to stop running

perhaps that is why i am firmly here

 True Ifa:
August 5, 2016

"You may not have reached the point of where you want to be, but you surely have come a long way! Embrace the warmth of your heart and love yourself for the strength you have and the changes you have made and will continue to make. Connect with Osun and offer sweet liquor to celebrate the sweet changes you have gone through and offer honey to allow what is coming your way to stink around and continue blessing your journey. 

Blessings,
Iyanifa Fakemi Fafolawe"

True Ifa

Yesterday at 5:31am ·

"Have the courage to make the change. Going back to old habits is easy and should be avoided. Use your courage to deal with changes even when it seems impossible to accomplish. Connect with Sango and offer peppercorn. Ask Sango for courage, determination, and confidence so you can tackle the insecurities holding you back and allow you to break free and step into your journey with strength.
Blessings,
Iyanifa Fakemi Fafolawe"

for those who will go to battle on my behalf

[
propitiate
PRONUNCIATION:
(pruh-PISH-ee-ayt)

MEANING:
verb tr.: To gain the favor of someone; to appease.
ETYMOLOGY:
From Latin propitiare (to make favorable, to appease). Ultimately from the Indo-European root pet- (to rush, fly) which also gave us feather, pin, impetus, pinnacle, helicopter, propitious, lepidopterology, peripeteia, petulant, and pteridology. Earliest documented use: 1583.
USAGE:
We seek to propitiate government ministers as if we work for them and not them for us.]

Outlining Your Cons and Red Flags

In four months and exactly two weeks,

I have seen the following:

1.. Wild dreams, delusions, dreams, visions, and fantasies that you engaged, allowed, participated, did not stop, nor caution or insist on any limitations whatsoever. from a life of travel, to a life of free work,  to wild income, to promises of "well taken care of"

2. You say one thing and in some time in the future you will entirely contradict, remove or reverse what was said, offered, or discussed, and no mention or prelude to admit such a change is required or has taken place.

3. Two ex wives. Two divorces. Two failed marriages.

4. One ex wife who expresses in court that she is "sworn to destroy you and states it into public and court records"

5. Two children: sons, who appear to be growing as wild as weeds, and worse yet, to be developmentally challenged. one appearing deaf or hard of hearing the other appearing to be autistic, and you presenting as if this is all news for you; that their behavior patterns are done to annoy you...like when the autistic bangs on the plastic container constantly throughout a face time phone call...

You are clearly an absent and incompetent parent.
Their mother seems also to have washed her hands, be brainless, or checked out
The lot of you, however, together, present a scary picture nonetheless

6. You seem to have zero family life with your boys: no play time, no outings. no sit down meals, no sunday dinners. just no relationship with your boys at all

7. When you told me that you think your boy or boys were possessed

8. The failure of the Academy to be on a planned schedule. The hiring of a failed and scamming project contractor. The use of your money solely for such a huge project. The increased cost of the project from $80K to $200K, as identified by the mall owners who are now willing to fund its completion? Why?  The prospect for you to sharecrop and accept such a debt warrant. Your clear lack of business savvy

9. The endless sky is the limit promises and integrations of Olu, Soap Factory, my cafe, but yet everything and all the signs point to an opposite reality. There is a term for that a mental illness psychological term:

-----

grandiose delusions

i am attempting to write my way out of this latest

and that term comes to me in parts..."grandiosity"

the promises. then i remember there is a mental instability and sickness that uses that term, part of being schizophrenic and bipolar/..these grand schemes that will never happen, could never be, and all the signs proving their converse alternate///and as i continue writing i think i may have gotten catfished of a different kind

the presenting and offering of a scheme that was never possible

#inheritance

-----------------

 10.. Your lack of money to follow through as big as you pretended in the beginning


11. You being more offended and taking personal my cussing but you quite fine with your autistic and developmentally challenged boy children, your two failed marriages, an unkempt house and lack of home life for the three of you. Yeah. skewed much>?

12.Your seeming lack of management skills

13/ You, a black man as a sheriff reserve in Mississippi

14/ Your family of mentally ill history

15. For all your so-called enlightenment, your darkness of misogyny, female dismissal, female backchecking, mansplaining, gross ignorance and willful arrogance in areas I am clearly more knowledgeable

16. Your leaving academia with your PhD

17. Dieing your grey hair

18. Your reneging on your offers twice now

19. Your reneging on your plane ticket, my flight, and postponing my travel two days before I am to leave.

20. You are clearly in a mess in your own life. You tried to act as if You were saving me, could save me but it was all a ruse for me to save you in yours. take care of your boys, your home, create a home life, and stability, and help you generate income as you saw me as a huge money making asset.

21. You being overwhelmingly beyond male as to manicou and acting like a cunt of control so you take your  marbles and my trip ...well done.

Yet, my bar of trust is low. I overlooked all of this in four months and forteen days.

a policeman padna spoke last night
and said he had been to a psychologist/psychiatrist twice.
he said, the first time was mandatory
the second time he was told "he needed someone to talk to"

later on last night in a different conversation, with different people
i was being cautioned about "making mistakes" and i retorted, look how old i am and i have yet to make any big ones.
twenty four hours later...i am amused at my comment and thoughts, the conversations, and their relevancies tonight
seems like the universe just wont let me veer even close to explosions and the unstable.
even if it is dead here, it is stable, right?
(rolls eyes)

-----------------

your word is worth less than dirty toilet paper in a septic tank
and when money spent is no longer a guarantee of anything
you all know we are in a shitstorm of fifth dimensions.
multiple realities running at the same time.

it is indeed a bizarre time in the cosmos
no. what is not healthy is bipolar super sensitive turned inside out/ people thinking they are sane
‪#‎allthatisthediaglogueforthemovieLIFE‬

----------------------


the universe keeps protecting me maybe?
or is it that i am delusional?

===========


when you renege.
when you are vindictive
what else wont you do?
to make people hate you
and swear to your destruction

‪#‎instructionremedial‬
‪#‎divorcedeals‬
you cant go sailing with folk who always want to empty the boat every time there is a swill
the folk most afraid of conflict are the ones who will torch you on a pyre
True talk
Fear is heavier than Heavy
And faster than Gravity
i am gone folk. gone.
and done
someone trini want to remind me what the Canadian Commissioner of Police income package was? why is $50K US or Canadian stuck in my head? and does not include the income monthly for his also canadian deputy that he insisted tag along? If you dont know the whole package value just tell me what he made in per month? And then will someone outline for me the level of negotiations open in national topper employment contract. like Calder Hart who was pulling $one million TT/ month on eight big contract jobs/ all here in Trinidad. all running at the same time. concurrent. from 2007? or before? to when?? 2010? that is what? $300K US. if nothing else, please confirm for me that what they pay foreigners here in the banana is not what they pay and publicize for locals and moreso, what the foreigners get is wildly unrestricted and matched only by their ability to negotiate like champs.
Someone tell me cause I not living here. I havent been here for thirteen years, and I sure as hell dont know what I am talking about. and we are so internet savvy here in the banana republic, where the majority of the public service and population are not on the computer searching information but porn...where too many ignorant people , even right here on the plantation republic, never even heard the term. So tell me, please, someone. about the never ending lengths and distances foreigners can go through when they get contracts here. But hell. nevermind. stay where you are. we have enough crazy here.

--------------------
 the requirement to be smart and wise
keeps growing to levels where neither ladder nor arm reaches

==============

 deep breath.
reminding myself through tears. never be afraid to stand still
never be afraid to run through hard.
never be afraid to retreat.
‪#‎noescape‬
‪#‎sucker‬
‪#‎psyche‬

----------------


such an interesting night
i wrote a long response but made it a blog instead
"Excuse Me, Egg"

earlier i had the insight that I need to write on a level and revelation that itself is new and on a higher demand, even for someone who has been writing since their teen years, and keeping those writings, compiled and curated since 1990. i recognized it is because I know things most people at my locus standi do not, and the people who do know what i speak of and about, came by the exposure, knowledge and capacity by a different means- usually by entitlement, privilege and generational legacy, multiple generations. and so the things I tell folk they disbelieve cause it is so far out of their galaxy. so I need to write about that. cause I cant keep wasting breath explaining it. I cant keep fighting dead people, or validating my view to ignorance.
then, now
it seems quite a few people around me knew and saw long before i did. they said things like, "i want to see it happen" or, " you not ..."
only for them to be proven right, two days prior...quite fascinating
but all i think, this must be for something. and how much stronger does the universe want me to be, only to keep being told how strong i am by monikers of chip on shoulders, crazy, vitriol, cause i be man (just like) more than the manicous.
i find it fascinating
it is bizarre actually
the five dimensional keeps finding ways to set me apart from these mere
you know the sad thing about strong people?
they often deny the level trauma, and tragedy they are experiencing..telling themselves, dont stoop to that level of brokenness and emotion, stay up... stay up
"you are gonna be so well taken care of that I am going to take this rug and rung from under your feet/ my offer to rescind, says the beautiful ones born all over
i told myself I should be laughing
instead, i stayed silent.
in the soap factory of my rinsing
‪#‎poetryprosepost‬

==============


never bet on people or life.

------------

I was going to mention this for a different reason, but I'm saying it in general now. We need to push back your departure/arrival date. I need to get the Academy up and running without distraction. You mentioned it a time or two and I said no...come on. But coming with conflict is not going to work.

Email me the info I sent you on your ticket. I am pretty sure I purchased insurance that would allow for a change of flight date prior to travel. If not, I will think of something...but this is coming too soon; mall management wants me to make myself available over the next three weeks as they complete the project. I was not expecting to basically be required to be on-site...sort of a second project manager.

Now I have to get secondary arrangements for child care setup for my boys with my sitter.

Then just today, I get notice from my apartment complex manager that they have my lease being up earlier than I calculated.

They used an earlier date, even though they waited to send me renewal papers and I have a signature for a signing last year at end of September. They are saying it was an error on their part and was not the date I renewed any other year and not the date I originally started here (which is true).

So...I have to start packing earlier than I planned in order to be out of here at end of August instead of end of September. I'll try and get some friends to help, but it's still gonna be tough since now the Academy is set to open around the same time they are saying my lease will be up.

Finally, it seems like some days we are totally in sync....then BAM!!! we are on opposite planets. That's not healthy.

....am I missing something?? Like what was all the "Banana Republic" vitriol all about??

I really don't know what I said to provoke those comments from you...

Chat Conversation End==============

me referring to my trinidad as a banana republic and out of his knowledge is not only problematic.

but vitriol. these people not sick in joke you know.

what can you do with fragile people who think everything revolves around them?

--------------------EDIT-----------------

when you choose to do a faith walk

After you have given up on such things.

you were straight bricks and mortar.

but you realize you can get bricks and mortar

and that can be taken away or disintegrate

i suspect i am learning that no matter the bar,

even though most keep theirs to the ground

any and all can and might in fact disintegrate

but when you have a mission, and one so big and imposing as

:"in search of your own life"

you realize bullshit aint an option

you barrelling through as an alchemist, a magician,

maybe even as a circus clown

but you weaving straw, in search of gold

and you will call all the names and goddesses that you must

be they kali, oshun, oya, yemaya.

and let everything falls where it may

those things aint your business.

Excuse Me, The Egg

cedric. i am not gonna do this. i am not gonna keep repeating myself. I am not gonna keep clarifying myself. I am not gonna keep explaining myself. what i will do is just say, ok.

especially since you are not asking me questions but telling me what you find. so fine. that works.

I am not coming in conflict. well i wasnt. but when people push back and talk their peace especially being a woman it is problematic.

i did not ask you to walk away from the academy.

and what i did say was let me stay in my lane.

Amnd for you to mention pushing back my travel after all of this is real real real deep/ it is not pure. It is not of good character.

I have no conflict with you cause I have nothing with you. the only conflict might be all the promises made were not real and not available.

But for you to even remove from me the opportunity to just travel, cross sea, come over there and just air out, is kind of ugly.

because as you stated, I not coming there to do nothing, not cook for you or your boys, not take care of them. I was just coming to read books, vegetate and see what I might do.

today hearing that you want to take debt indicated to me, that your talk of all these months are neither practical or happening any time soon, and I as good with that. I was and been put on a different wavelength when you sent me that memo of all what I need not do.

now let me tell you this. what information you found to day is the income for local trinidadians. NOT THE INCOME THEY PAY FOREIGNERS. get it now.

i gt sick of being doubted, checked on by people who dont know half of what I do

I dont nor expected you to be babysitting me at any time in this process.

I expected as you mentioned, to be in a house by myself for two months as you offered to provide for food, and housing.

Why do you think I wrote to get a suitcase of clothes there? So i would not have to expect or rely on y ou to buy me things as promised.

Your response is incredibly selfish/

self centered of no concern or mind to any side except yours but it was your offer to extend , pretned or rescind/

And you are not even discussing this but instructing. so my dear, it is better always for one to have their own.

Thanks for the egg on my face. It will be interesting tomorrow at my farewell party

bows.

I should laugh. welcome to my life i should tell myself. the endless troll of people who show up offering the world only for it to be a 'psyche'/./ and then you want to write me about TRUST> are you for real. ahahahaaa.. love it. this is better than satire and Irony

yes. i am told I am a mirror. and your life is a shamble/ just like mine. and you were and are in no position to do half the things you presented. and i see it over and over and over again.

And those times were the BAM>

down to you not knowing when your lease was up/

i am being tested though. I used to say i am not easily shamed or embarrassed. I see now your callousness is boundless. and i shall have to find a way to continue on after calling people. saying goodbye, Emptying the last of my money in my accounts, spending it freely these days..

But , so it is/

what is it you said about chips on shoulder? thanks for adding a few more inches and pounds. dealing with...oh what was it you wrote me once, "i am not like the trini men and people as you have encountered"

well you couldnt be more trini if you had a trini passport.

=================

what was it that my friends knew that i did not?
they kept on saying, "i waiting to see if she will leave"
they seemed to have known i was not going anywhere
and kept on saying it.

two days before

Attitude is Self Gratitude

Gerry Anthony

"They say that it's not about what you do but how you do it and not about what you say but about how you say it. It sometimes seems also like a matter of not what is said, but who is saying it. I can tell you that it is sometimes very hard to see that truth manifest itself in the way that I would sometimes, I guess, 'try' to explain certain concepts to persons against much objections and disapproval on their part. Then at some point later I would see the same persons lauding similar or the same concepts, except then it is expressed in more "sophisticated" language by some presumably more qualified or recognized individual. Maybe it is not so much about the concept and idea but refinement of expression."


{well. you could have stopped at who is saying it. I came to that insight and conclusion yesterday after the last of a few persons telling me about "my attitude" but when i study the thing I had to ask myself, what is an attitude, what is the attitude they speak of, and when I see instances, they are all the same: me refusing to let other people treat and address and construct me according to their will and interest, me standing up for myself, me being a woman and having the gall to do that against men who step out first step trying to belittle or best me (as it relates to my vehicle), it also means going head to head with folk who would beat and gain an upper hand to control or manipulate you. apart and separate from all of that is an unspoken dynamic too...what is normal for men is unacceptable for women, so like i am supposed to have an attitude of gratitude and 'take what ever you can get', my back not supposed to be too straight, nor my nose...anyway, what i am saying ...is that "who" is very much predominate. but i understand all of what you say otherwise, just giving another spin and perspective on the same story. i guess in my refinement it is to be sugar and honey and smile and charm my way away from the bullshit people try to shovel but in my case, my face straight as a pin and convo short short.}

i am posting this cause so much is on my mind and a good part of it relates to this:: who you are and who and how people will allow or not, you to be.

twelve days left and still revelations of this place reveal themselves. that ever lined onion.

so yesterday i learned that someone i considered a cool associate had been talking to me for weeks and i have known her for over a year, but last week on a lime is telling someone else not to have her sit next to me on a lime. this woman just turned fifty last tuesday. is the mother of three children. and all the weeks prior to last was asking me repeatedly if i was coming to her birthday party. i now wonder as i write, is she, might she not be one of those people who i tell you have mental illness for sport, schizophrenic, bipolar or something else additionally, it so makes no sense.

then i wonder what kind of trini obeah woman i am when a crapaud appears at my door and I neither am afraid, nor does it ever occurred to me that it could be a bad omen or someone sent anything for me, nor do i consider throwing salt on it. instead, i come inside cool and calm, leave it at the landing. and research the meaning for bullfrogs, crapauds, and the numerology...see it is all good and blessings and a flood of good tidings to come, and recognize its number play whed the six pm call the evening prior and its number opposite and total played that day at the afternoon and evening. i tried to get friends to play cause I dont, and well, no one did/ only for weeks later for trinis to tell me that is a bad sign/ and i wonder if that is the power of a true blue unversal obeah woman her tools and kriptonite are not of this world and certainly not of the natural creatures and measures that emanate from her hand. kind of sending bush poison for Osein, it aint possible. he growing, planting and tending the very same. but i find that intriguing

but it made me pray this morning and pump up my hedge and flyback tools and capacities.

and for the first time I thought i need a spirit guide to process and interpret the movie that plays in my brain when i close my eyes. or the constant depiction of faces, endless. or the scenes of images, or like today, the morphing of animals, behind my eyes. effortlessly. I dont know what that is. I want to know what that is. I want to know someone else that happens to/ the first and recent explanation I came up with was actually given to me when chase said i am walking with all the beings i have ever incarnated to.. it was after one of his channelings after we bathed in the river. it seemed sensible and resonated with us both. but now. i have a heightened need to explain it further, especially as the scenes are evolving. and this is what appears in my art and paintings, when they are abstract.. endless faces. that i did not put there.

but i digressed before i finished a point. i think i wake up realizing how untrustworthy everybody is , even when they dont mean to be. like my closest girlfriend telling me 'she dont think i am leaving to go anywhere' and i just looked at her and listened and wondered what could be appearing to her for her to say that? even as i have ticket in hand. but it shows you how people can be undermining when they dont mean to be, but that plenty people are and are in fact malicious

like yesterday, another friend, brought a mechanic whom she has know for months to see my car two weekends ago. yesterday she approaches me and tells me about my attitude. that the man was offering to fix my car and then sell it and give me some change. and I was looking at her stunned. she is a drunk, so i was taking it in stride, but i was shocked. and wondered and asked her how we could have such a divergent view of an interaction. and then i asked her if i was mistaken why did she not tell me what he was offering. but the man offered no such thing. never. and why would someone do that a month before I am to leave. you really think a mechanic is going to stop all other work, make my car priority and dispense with it? you see a scam when you hear one. that was for him to take my car, i have to flyout and they keep my car, and use it and make money off of it as will. but folk will get mad as hell when you foil their schemes. Now i wracking my brain wondering how she could see things as she had, and is only when things dont add up you realize folk had plans for you. she supposed to be a friend. I wonder what she was getting out of it? But then turns around to tell me how she had to beg the mechanic to come and take her daughter's car. I said why you had to beg? She said cause neither she nor the daughter has money. And that is when I look at her and asked her so why you feel this man would have fixed my car for free? She had no answer. jumped up in a fit and say talk done. I know why he would do it, cause I done pass through a paul wau han or what ever he name is...it was a scheme to get your car and make money and I learned from the first smart man, that is a mechanic's tool of trade. i have no idea why i am so cool to let that vehicle sit down right there. did not want it to end up like that, but it served me well and beautifully and at the greatest of envy of other people which surprised me cause the car old as hell and as pedestrian of a quality you can get, but lord, people's eyes were green

so for all these things to be revealed to me in these final days here, smh

just stuns. then i have another friend, a male, and not just him, my cousin too...that story i hear people in trini talk about of males willing to take women around and women using men for transportation. i have written about it once before. I have never had that privilege, luxury or service. and even when I ask folk who are supposed to be tight with me, it is never possible. and I am like. turning to look at myself and ask, you have friends here? you could have survived any more time here?

god bless the child who has got her own, and i always had my own

and these last eighteen months where I had less and less and no vehicle, i just adjusted and kept my narrow but growing ass in my neighborhood.

Resilient and Adjustable as much as folk like to tell me I am not a person who adjusts or have attitude. It is precisely because I survive so elegantly adjust immediately and know how to protect myself even in sheer ignorance that they call that attitude and i earn their intentional hatred

it just feels like there really is no barriers from madness to self well being. not a one.