"Venetian Violet"
amazing things happen to me and i wonder if it happens to others:
like sleeping and my eyes are closed but people and faces appear and morph into a catalog-none of them i know- but all real faces. i wonder if i make them up ? if they are people i have known? seen? I wonder how my brain does that effortlessly: just conjures and shows people who have neither name nor context that i can state, but are here/in vision. the other thing that happens is i can have a film play out in my mind's eye as well; also effortlessly and no it is not my intent to make a film in my head. and then the other thing are revelations, answers, clarity to situations in my life, that perplex me that i am processing. sometimes it happens long, decades, lifetimes after the fact, sometimes it is fairly immediate. but i had two this morning. well, one revelation and a question on the possibility of a second...but this morning I realized:
chase saw me, wanted the life he thought my appearance represented, and commenced a program and statements that he wanted a life with me, but the revelation is that life and all it represents is not him, is as far from him as opposites, and so it was all a farce. yes i have said farce before but i did not have the middle, the explanation, the human compassion of understanding, if that is what it is - he said he lied enough, and wish not to anymore...but he is a liar and was lying to me from the beginning...to have the life with me he wants you cant be a taker, you have to be a giver, a matcher, a sharer, first to begin he had nothing to share and his whole life MO and motivation because he has never had anything is to take, use and abscond. and though all i wanted from him was love, affection and sex, the former two seemed to be entirely out of his psychological emotional whereabouts and the latter, inconvenient. when his people tried to chop him up that is what they called him, a user, he repeated to me. I always wondered why: because of his behavior towards them or their knowledge of his approach to me...i know he did say "i was doing what i had to" and always wondered what that meant-- that man is almost criminal, a classic sociopsychopath. the good thing I noticed since from earlier this week is that i seem to be freed or in that process of releasing all what i did for him from which he benefited: the money, the support, the calling in networks and contacts to change his life reality...and as I write it I realize it to be the magnanimous acts that it was; it is exactly acts of that end and altitude I wish for myself to turn my life around that somehow seem to be frustrated, nonexistent and absent the characters of such generosity, but nevertheless, i seem to be releasing it. as small ting no less. What is TT$30K but a mere US$ five thousand. Small thing in the scheme of my life. And more than he has ever known.
It does raise questions though :: Like now i wonder how is it that a chocolate black woman had money enough to buy a twelve acre spread but one of her sons is so bereft and has been so poor that he speaks of having nothing, always struggling all his life> from young?
the other thing he does is separate people even when and while he appears to put them together, but he does, who and what in which context all for his self interest. he tells me his cousin was in jail for some fraud attempt and tells me he does not know why he was telling me that--well it was probably to diminish his cousin in my eyes who i was attracted to; to make himself seem more rosy? i dont know i wish not to belabor the whole thing or make these snatches of insight be more than they appear: momentary pictures of explanations so i dont have to be so perplexed -- this process of understanding human nature and what really occurred between two people, that really wasnt, really didnt, and involved far more than those two
the other possible revelation i had was to wonder if the source of my challenges of the womb started when i was young at home, in family context...another manifestation of dysfunction. the badgering of the female form, the warnings to not come home with a belly as my mother once did..and what did that to me early. we put a lot of things on the innocent, but for our own guilt and folly and then they pay for it for the rest of their natural and sometimes supernatural lives.
little by little i am figuring this thing out, in cycles, in time, as links and connections appear
and to the bane of living:
i wake up this morning entirely annoyed as it has been a growing sensitivity to wanting to kill the fan, i guess by my cleaning it regularly one of the blades hits the back frame or top or something and it has been nagging at me to the point this morning i switched it off, vowing to use the floor a/c- it is supposed to clean and filter the air anyway and to see the dust that coats the fan almost as soon as it is clean= we have no idea the filth we breathe , the extent of the pollution in the environment
and as I rose out of bed, I saw my homemade diary on the floor, with the cover as ArtPost Trinidad Venetian Violet- it has been there since Sunday waiting for a meeting, i would have taken it to share some plans and sketches, but i just packed it up and replaced it to its corners, people are a trip. so important and busy; so over subscribed. it is one storyline that i believe i am totally over - the endless waiting to move forward in one program or another. and so nothing gets done and your /my personal agenda languishes often into nothing where it started
trying to work with people on the whole is trying; for the challenge of finding like minds, mirrored patterns, matched value systems and symbiotic characteristics to alleviate conflict. it appears it is hard for people to corral their brain, to listen, to exact what they stated as agreed upon plans or intents, or in just expecting them to be honest is a reality warp. another cousin of a possible business partner told him he is the only one of pure interest among five men or so. so where does one go with that? in what den of thieves, fowl and foxes?
i am just seeing the life and trying to make senses
but this post would not be authentic if i did not tell you that i lie in bed at times and am totally puzzled why my life is as it is. why it is so hard for me to have a life of love and sex, with decent human beings, caring and competent partners, avoiding all those who wish to consume, destroy or besmirch me/ why something so simple is so difficult and elusive. i regularly feel sad for myself. Not to be living on my own, in my own space, where i can feel my own vibrations, my self, do as I please, enjoy my environment. Where I can live where others are not affecting my peace of mind or impacting, denuding or limiting my quality of life
But in the sleep and as i rouse, i am constantly beseeching, praying, reaching, begging for myself, my health, my womb, my sanity, my wellbeing, to be saved, to be delivered, for magic solutions and mystic persons to resolve for me my myriad challenges. I do believe I deserve them
anyway, let me end this first morning rant. I am learning some things: not every eruption is for fb, so this wont be posted there
No comments:
Post a Comment