in the last six months i can tell you i have observed the growth in numbers of abandoned dogs in my neighborhood. and at first i thought it was their birth rate and the maturing of puppies. yeah, silly universal being me. but it is only now when a crew of them liming at my neighbor's gate come growling in agitation, no doubt a cat in the yard. i look out the window at them. healthy vibrant young strong brown good sized pothounds. these are neither midgets or punk dogs.. and just watching them led me to see it is people abandoning and loosing their dogs to the streets. i am only imagining that feeding them has become a burden
then the irony of the universe continues. the universe sends me a fb acquaintance, one who i have not spoken to in a good long while, yesterday she finds me for chats. she tells me of her crazy "psychotic" controlling overbearing boyfriend who she has decided to "psychologist". proceeds to tell me how much i have changed by my one line answers; that i am depressed, and the least i can do is get out and flirt and find a boyfriend to bring some lag time in my dearth of submerged life. she offers to go with me and may take her five month daughter to a visit to the library., and asks me if i want to be friends. after i closed and said good night i see she wrote me 'i need a friend'. i feel sorry. and i am sharing this under cover, but as much as i need a friend, that is not the firend i need. i cant have any more friends that are of no value, help and agency to me. i cant have anymore friends that are doing just as bad or worse then me. i dont need any help in the crazy department, though that be a whole different crazy to mine. i dont want any friends who are taking and keeping these crazy males out here, 'losing themselves' subjugating and humbling themselves' for what purpose I have no idea, oh, 'the sex is a distraction' no. i want more from my sex, thanks. the kind i realize very few people or women ever experience in their lives, or is it that they do and that is why we who are unknowing see so many "stupid women" all about the place taking all manner of treatment for the experience none of us have ever had. i am writing it in that form as a discovery that alerted me to its absence in the lives of most women. it really is earth and life shattering. but i am writing a bigger issue that i fear i am not able to capture elegantly
there are a whole bunch of us out here hurting, damaged. and i knew this chick was damaged when i first met her on here. she was actually in a situation being sexually abused by one of our most famous male fb characters. she confided in me then. I raised no alarm, i just tried to be a support but she was using me as a sounding board, an ear and a means to talk through a situation between mutual associates. he of course does not know i know any of this. so a year or two or more later to find her with another sick male and a new daughter, it also gives me something to awe and wonder. it is a means of survival, and she pretty much told me that in plain language. i feel sad for her and for me. i cringed when she asked if we could be friends. but wrote yes. what else can you write. but i have nothing in common with this young lady.. nothing except both of us are drowning in unemployment, underemployment, persecution from family, which she tells me to ignore, that is what she would do if she was a parent too, and that they know no better/ but that is it. i dont want to cultivate a life flirting as a means of distraction, activity or survival.
you know a bigger thing i am not saying that just hit me-- i realize being in trinidad has dulled me. in all ways. dulled my senses, my verve, my energy, my character, my personality, my enthusiasm, to be and do. it has dumbed down my thinking, my light has been brought down to at least ten decibels lower. my friend makemba has and kept the article that was done on me when i landed here. and to watch the large photograph in that article and to see me now is mind blowing. that person in the article is a literal cosmic lightning rod extending that far out into the cosmos. my eyes, the same chinky chinese eyes are now half the size. and my whole being is cowered, having lost a few inches, imagined, seen with the energy field, if not the physical dimensions. no exaggeration. makemba sees it. i did too. i dont need to be closer to that. i dont need any more of that. i dont need to be any closer or lower, to damage, struggle, regressing. god bless her soul but i cant see it. she offers nothing to me for where I want to go.
look, show you how stark this thing is. and i cant write stark and not think game of thrones. i applied to a job yesterday with some heavy syrians, and the application asked for two letters of recommendation of business people. and you know having to scramble for those recommendation pointed something out to me which i am struggling to address in this writing...the very definitive chasmic differences of existence , living, status and corners of a cosmic as exhibited in the ways and lives people are living. i did not have anyone who is matched to their level and existence. and only after I thought I had no one, i went through my phone and listed the business people i have there, but still no comparison. I asked two. i saw one saw my note and did not respond. i wrote an email to the other, and never expected him to respond on a sunday, so i returned to the phone. and fb. and listed all the business people who i have some communication and dealings with. i submitted all their names. i got confirmation and ok from none except one. but my own need and desperation led me to do what should not be done: to list and submit names of people who i do not know if they would stand in the gap for me. I just listed them as travelers and foreigners and unable to tap them for confirmation, so here is a list.
there is even a german man supposed millionaire on that list who has been promising to hire me since July of 2014 to run his mega organic farm. man got banged up in some car accident, put together by pins and metal plates in his body that the latter was giving him allergic reactions so end of last month he returned to germany to have them removed. he lived in tobago. he would call me every month to give me an update of all the lag among him and his millionaire partners, one in canada and another in germany. but it was the last conversation that i said to myself what shit. what person would refuse to move on a project, hold a project up and back because he is not medically fit. why would he not pass his role onto someone else so we can get on with it. I thought that because it was the last conversation where he stated to me that he was the cause for the delay. but it is not all together through, i know from previous conversations it was the bureaucracy of bringing millions of dollars of foreign currency into the country and the clearance and participation needed from the government and central bank. but at this stage, there should be no delays . the impairing and impaired really should get out the way.
but i digress. the point i am making is that life has grown dire. there are no longer chances to dilly , the time for dalliances are over. if you are not coming with a mission to take people over and through, i dont see much usefulness for you. and just as i have been used by others as a vehicle to oil and transfer them further onto greater and brighter lives and conditions, it is because of those experiences I realized and got sick of being the one star in my small solar systems. i have written about it before. no one around me is doing more than me, better than me, aspiring to things , anything, that they can teach or light the way. I am the one with ambition and agitation, and my aspirations are not theirs of cars, clothes, fake local bling, and posing with the endless selfies and duck face. my aspirations are business, self generation, recreation, building empires that i envision and struggle to birth...they cant help me in that. they havent the tools the wherewithal, the creativity or the ideas.
and to not have the people in my life to get two letters to some stupid just excessively money people is just such an indictment of all things and dynamics, i need not be exacerbating that situation or moving in the opposite direction to fixing that. and i dont do compartmentalization. it is like i gotta keep my eyes on the prize, however unlikely and challenging.. in the sense that folk like me dont have those prizes and ambitions . i dont know.
the irony is that i would die for a friend of the soul like Rumi, Gibran or Rilke. I think that is it too, the friendship people are offering you is of the ilk that will kill you, slowly; distractions for sure but in what direction. mind you i just jumped off the distraction train a mere month or two ago. tired and sick of myself stretching outside myself for comfort and salvation. distractions are a waste of time, at least the ones that i have to give effort for. the useful distractions are gone for the moment; being at the sea, in the bush, taking trips about the island. i have spoken to enough strangers to know we aint doing nothing, aint about nothing than man, women, horn,liquor and song. look. they not even so much into food as I am, so what is the point? let me keep slogging and sloshing through to my imagined goals; without empty weight and baggage, solo.
the other ironic thing is that i am usually the one extending my hand in friendship, here it is offered to me this one time and the arrogant potshit i am, i scorn it. but i am learning i should have been shrewd a long time ago. so not to hurt, but I am just trying to be committed and consistent to my aims
i pray a song for those in need just like me
i keep realizing one must be highly specific and refined in defining one's dreams, wants and wishes. you will be surprised the neverending variation between what you want and the list of options available under that one item, label, name or category. like man. (Rolls Eyes) somethings may number as much of the population. like jobs. you have to draw, define and include the boundaries of your item. Friend, just friend is not on my list.
Shout a Spirit Baptize Your Advancement
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