i am thinking of next life steps...and i also went back to sleep at about 7am...and just now at the end , i was pretty lucid. and remembered the person who would organize asked me days ago: "I remembered all your possessions, artifacts, arts, library, and expected would need to move those" . I had to tell them none of that exists anymore. and if i move this time I am moving with just myself. and my jewelry. Not even suitcases. i am leaving everything... but i had forgot I have a suitcase of clothes in Houston. which reminded me, of the last time I tried to relocate.. it ended up just being an extended vacation. Houston in 2010. then that made me remember I tried to relocate to Manhattan in 2007 after I traveled to Nigeria to present a paper.
And in writing my friend the oh i forgot there is a suitcase in Houston that needs to be shipped...I realized, my life has been far more exciting that I even remember. For there are episodes I forget in just the living and moving on. Since being in Trinidad I tried to leave twice already. now presented with a third maybe. maybe not.
But beyond that, I had the acceptance and clarity and refinement to see and tell myself, I need not pine, regret, be angered or resentful of my life, any part of it, for in recent months i have written and referred to sandra batie that white supremacist racist bitch who derailed my flight in my career real early and i never knew for about five years, I just thought it was something I did not get, I was not successful. but it was a letter she wrote to destabilize me.. but this morning I told myself. I have lived on my terms. From Day One out side my parents house. I never shared a room in a dorm. Sophomore year I was in an apartment with a car. I always lived on my terms, terms unbowed, unsubjugated, kind of quite unusual actually, very privileged. So i was probably pissing people off all along the way, clueless and not knowing it But the bottom line is that, There are consequences . for everything. even for how we are. And that was merely the price I paid for being a black nigger girl of money and privilege, a daddy, and ambition. and not in the common usual places one would find such either, but in corridors where I was cutting track among bush and untouched forest.. So you cant deny those realities. In some ways I was a civil rights pioneer. lol. in fields and areas , blackwomen are rare. And i did not come out from the tenements or tracks, so i was sipping wine just like the best of them, at fancy restaurants as I was accustomed from my childhood.
There is a price and a cost for everything.
Selah. Be adult about it. and I will keep on living.
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