Launching
Upful; Saving D’Ruin; and Writing 2013
“I really think that Upful can be a major
tool in helping us all spread health, wellness, sustainability and higher
conscious thought throughout T&T. That said, it can only happen if we all
step up and get involved!” Jade Solis
I responded to an ad; requested to, and was asked,
subsequently, to write for a new journal on Health, Wellness, Sustainability and
Higher Consciousness in Trinidad and Tobago. With the onslaught of the struggle
to survive, however; an odyssey of resilient and persistent frustration and
futility going on ten years and running, I faltered. I had not one clue. Not
one idea.
I had spent this year thinking I was doing the following things with a partner:
1. Building a relationship
2. Taking care of each other
3. Saving his Ancestral Lands – my fancy language for his
mother’s attempt and hands
4. Building an Organic Animal and Food Production Farm and
Permaculture Outfit
5. Making Business in various forms and fields; and,
6. Creating a Life
But instead of that, it was just acrimony, hardship, deceit, cheating, deep
heartbreak, a disappointment that I doubt has any repair and with lasting
impact for my interaction with men of Trinidad for the future, and, the loss of
$50,000 invested. Money that I now do not have to live from, provide
maintenance for my vehicle or a bit of security as I edge along on the margins
of unemployment for a woman with a PhD in development economics here in this
twin island paradise
So what do I really have to say about Health, Wellness,
Sustainability and Higher Consciousness in Trinidad and Tobago? Seems to me
this story for this year alone disqualifies my wisdom, sense and sensibility to
speak authentically; but don’t you love irony and the unexpected? It is
precisely because of my faltering in judgment, choice and shrewdness this 2013
year of the water snake and eros that I can expound on what mistakes never to
repeat, and hopefully share a deepening that can benefit others if not myself
Merle Chase bought twelve acres of land about twenty or so years ago; maybe
even longer. I never met her. This very dark chocolate black woman of this
Trinidad and Tobago-- that to me, she and her sister look like they could be
from Grenada and be the sister or cousin of my grandmother Ruth Huggins.
She bought that land at the divorce from her husband, whose son himself told me
how his father maligned his mother and spoke of her detrimental to their
perception of her; as if she was senseless, without smarts, competence or
wisdom. The son telling me this but lost on him is how he has grown to emulate the
same behaviors toward me even at ripe but still immature age of forty-seven. Seems
fragile and incompetent men do just that to the bright women about them. He has
attempted and done the same thing to me. But from the moment I met him and
heard his mother’s story, I took an affinity to Merle Chase. What black woman
in this day and age and Trinidad has the vision to buy land and try to farm it
by her lonesome, and to be decades my senior in the matter, she had my deep
respect and earned my interest and investment to do whatever, to reclaim,
establish and advance her hand. I was foolhardy to say the least. But I was
reaching out to the dreams I have long held close: To live in the bush, to be
in love. Time has not been on my side, but even that might be for recompense,
shaken up and amassed.
And either I was made out in a confidence game: me, single, mature, attractive,
visionary, enthusiastic woman, who everybody perceives to think I live in a
castle filled with bottomless pits of gold and money; So I was taken, I
suspect, love and commitment made in jest, declarations of the most promising
gifts of land and home; “this land is yours Chase told me many times” until
after I had spent my TT$50,000, called
Larry Howai to remove the land from a repossession list on May 15, was the sole
funder of an event, me and my Aunt Mona Ryan, which was a glowing success/ Only
then, was all the promises of love and affection withheld, squeezed out,
retracted and broken off. If I tell you the depth of my sobs one day after
swallowing so much pain, disappointment and attempts to ride a bad patch out so
unwilling was I to believe that I really was taken for a long ride on a short
donkey. My mother consoled me that Saturday morning.
I had such grand plans.
I wanted and did grow Organic Produce, Cucumbers were the Best: Sweet and
Crunchy. NO chemicals, growth, pesticides or preventatives. Fresh from Pure
Fields. The Pumpkins were swamped by water and inadequate drainage. I managed
to push off a few buckets of the tenderest dasheen bush and coffee from the
Maracas Hills of St. Joseph. My first client begged me for more and referred me
to another demanding their own supply.
I wanted to make the D’Ruin, [https://www.facebook.com/DRuinSanRafael?fref=ts],
the site of an Ecological Economic Area Revitalization Plan emphasizing Green
Technologies: Solar Energies, Wind Turbines, Green Walls, and Permaculture, with
funding from The Magnitudinous billion dollar Green Fund; and even wanted to
develop my own water treatment recycling rain water plant on the premises.
Inclusive of all this was the rehabilitation of the rivers that bound the
twelve acre property: The Cumuto and Caroni.
But all dashed in a dismantling of what I and many others saw and thought was a
powerful union between two dazzling star-people; one too innocent to see when
she is being smartmanned*. But rising still from the fire and ashes, after
months of distance and resilience building. That land and the twelve acres,
Merle Chase’s start and purchase, and my vision is just the place to build
consciousness for health, wellness by the care and sustainable efforts of in
and through nature.
“My
love, I don't ask that you are faithful to me. You demonstrate faithfulness to
me through your faithfulness to self. And you betray me only when you betray
yourself.”
~ By Jeff Mincey
FireMaiden, San Rafael
There is no one outlet for organic goods in Trinidad and Tobago.
There is no location for all the artisan, artists and craft makers in these
twin islands; and so far no one has brought the wealth of our creations to a
website where we can market ourselves and our beautiful creations to the world
at large. I think of an etsy.trinbagoyard.
So what was my motivation? Since I landed in Trinidad in 2003, I just wanted
one thing: to live in the bush, breathe green air and fill my eyes with lush
quiet. Best if by a river, spring or ocean…the movement of water, tide and
rushings, This Aquarian Water Carrier just wanted to be and inhabit her full
righteous self.
I still hold these dreams. The land has a TT$63,000 debt to clear by November
15. By the time you read this I will either have made it or fallen short, but
in any case please flood Larry Howai and Taurus Services, the media to bring
corrections. Public Action is our only recourse when it becomes late.
The rightful owners neither have the capacity
ability nor the heart to be committed, to either her or themselves, and I
Refuse to let and believe that twelve acres of land can pass on the river of
life for so cheap a song. Even if family members planted obeah to destroy my
forward movement and success. The famous Africans say, what put to kill is what
put to heal. Selah. I shall plant till the earth becomes pregnant with glad
light and tidings.
I still dream a dream
of the impossible, and that the universe will rise up to meet my greatest
intention a
nd
thus fulfilling a consciousness of fullness, providence, abundance and
alignment
And so I shall live there, welcoming you all to a place of retreat, cleansing,
reiki, food, rest and all good substance to steel your mind and reassure your
heart, that Upful is something representative of preeminence in all our
individual lives. This is what my attempt to own, claim and operate D’Ruin San
Rafael is to me. My current consciousness.
If you want to help me in this effort, please email me at [mmladyh@gmail.com]
Sunday's Revelations
I think it is possible that Chase in fact may have played a bigger role in his people planting iniquity against me, like he may have known; and like, he agreed, and like, he is in partnership to thwart me, my effect and influence...this new depth of understanding...
"
i am struggling to swallow a revelation
for my own doubt of my truth as i see it, doubt of my perspective on
observations; doubt to condemn others, but in truth i am left with
nothing else:
that pigs never stop being swine
that it is
the haters behind you in path, journey, competence, affect and effect
who try in futility to obstruct you. the ones who themselves can do
nothing have done nothing their whole
lives. thirty years sitting on a resource, the most valuable of all, but
despised and ignored. but only when i or one such as me, picks it up
and it starts to shine, they plant their iniquity for failure -to foil
any good thing that evolves
but they could not have wrought their
evil without participation. and any time anyone attempts or can do you
harm in the presence of someone you call friend, partner or lover, if
they make it far, even if to enter, far less to exact, that person, the
third party is your enemy; to say not friend is far too subliminal.
that i have to accept the extent to which i was drawn, set up and
configured - used, dismantled and dismissed =--and ultimately, something
bad cannot be made good. it is the rule of sunk costs..you just waste
more money and energy in trying to turn evil and ugly into something
still valuable...
the extent to which people are deceitful and the
completeness of their sociopsychopathology...that they be against you
but dine, drink, lime and smile with you. but it is not real. almost as
if people are in split personalities. schizophrenia, the sickness is
abiding, neverending and deep
then you struggle with how to exact
revenge, and you may not want to but just merely want to pick up your
odds and ends, with dignity, a face still, and continue, leaving all
traces behind...and the slow seeming impossibility of that prosopect...
i am coming to terms that perhaps 2013 cannot be redeemed
and certainly not San Rafael, and not by me
'it is how it is supposed to be'. gives me pause. really???
I am struggling with the possibility that some places and people are in
fact so dark and evil, even their being-ness blocks the entry of light.
they will predominate. in their presence, dark is not the absence of
light but the insistence that light shall and will not be allowed.
yeah. that
people who are lost, losing, have a lifetime in that tradition,
'sucking salt' and they would prefer to lose again, cause they
accustomed, rather than to even let it appear that anyone else, and
certainly not the ones they jealous and envy, win or succeed, or
elevate, come up on top. classic crab in the barrel. I not going to get
it, so you shant either.
the people of the bottom, the bottom people, the barrel crabs
the bodily effects from our physical, mental and emotional experiences
are real-- not being able to swallow, or your adams apple seemingly
swollen, hurting to go down in the trigger mechanism...when things are
hard to swallow...when you have no voice to overpower what is being
directed...and the only power you have and salvation available is to
change how you think about the situation...i struggle even on that...
not sure how to accept, forgive, be gracious and compassionate with the
muck i found myself associated
winnowing out truth is no easy business..
do we give up because of impotence or are those statements of spirit and limitations just proof of the former.
If it is the way it is supposed to be- when and how do you know you are
to work to change anything? and what to change God help me discern the
difference and serenity in the meanwhile
sigh"
i think of my niece last night, visiting my family cemetery for all saints night and to light candle and instead of her just going and observing and keeping to herself, she picks up a candle on an uncle's grave and brings it home with her, as a gift for me, not realizing the risk and danger of that...which i must correct for and take the candle outside after it stood lighting in the salon for a while...believing in its beauty all who looked upon it, me and my two nieces in particular, not knowing what it could have invisibly harboring...all but for my nieces innocence, pure heart, love and generosity toward me...
like that
how do you escape the costs, hurt and price for your purity and innocence amidst those less than?
--------------------------------1:27 11.03.2013
clarity
the decision debbie spoke about months ago that i had to make, and in a short window of opportunity is here, been about me, this year. now. the decision is whether to fight the evil and darkness, the deadheads and stone hearts about me, in their peril at their pit, or whether to continue on my path of light and kindness, taking whatever iniquity done to me, and with grace and love, let it all glide, keeping my clean hands, heart and purity, having done no man or woman any harm, refusal or poverty
cloud atlas brings this clear
"we are each bound to others, past and future, and every crime or act of kindness is the birth of the future...
then the clouds and cloud atlas..to see the world as it is.the atlas that moves, morphs, shifts, flows and fluid and what you think you see in this moment of watching a cloud, in the next second vanishes, and then something else, another...so if you hold on to correct or change something, what then are you really doing? what evil ? what unnatural
and do you know that there is the saying in the film ;;" how do you know what to try to change or leave sacred, inviolable
the lessons and instructions are almost too much
------------------2:46pm Sund 11.03.2013
i was given and allowed the power to balance justice and measure recompense, once. in 2010
i realize the only time one really has that power is when you never
have to ask anyone else to intervene, be involved or cater. we shall see
if this time complies . we will let that be the decision rule for
today. this november. this 2013
----------------5:34pm
the only thing i have to console myself with is that " for the human species, selfishness is extinction.”, and so i hope for the swiftness of karma to beasts and peasants who are predators, takers and users.
what role or function does egregiousness perform?
“Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right.”
“If losers can exploit what their adversaries teach them, yes, losers can become winners in the long term.”
“So winners, Hae-Joo proposed, are the real losers because they learn nothing? What, then, are losers? Winners?”
#cloudatlas
--------------------tues 11.05
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/a-womans-success-damages-a-male-partners-ego-says-a-new-study/2013/11/04/c88f227e-3c27-11e3-a94f-b58017bfee6c_story.html
~~
