Writing my Focus 2017

no more barataria
no more laventille
no more drinking
no more smoking


Refined Eating:
Restaurant Food
Gourmet Fare
Meats, Salads, Vegetables
Endless Fruits

Therapy Waveney
Therapy Uchenna

Writing and Completing Projects


Best Village My Life
Film Therapy, Broadcast

125 D'abadie Acreage Ownership

Robin Bynoe Time , Investment, Attention, Patron

My own Apartment - Conceierge Condo Penthouse
Studio Office -One WoodBrook Place
Victoria Place Penthouse

Building on Colvert and Cipriani and Tragarete Rds - ArtShram

Son, Bynoe Robin

Mark Lewis

Inaugural National Fellowship Grant  - Ten years

Ancestral Float and Esoteric Movement

"So, what are your therapists saying they think is wrong? And, what do you think is wrong or not right?"

so many things to respond and also dont know what to respond.

imagine first.

people want to get rid of a person, and they get the news, message, from a spiritual reading (they could not be told that is where it came from..cause they dont believe in orisa)...that they cant get rid of me until "I get the skills and tools to survive" (as if i did not survive before now, before them, eh. but that is another query)...and so for someone they think are leeching off of them and using them, they now have to pay what amounts to $1000 a week for me to get those tools.

Therapy.

That dont seem ironic to you?

That dont tell you we are living a spiritual story here. not a human one?

You know what that tells me. There purpose is to take care of me, and not because of me but because of the ancestors I embody in a way that is not normal. IN a session yesterday with the two women i photographed and posted, the one to the top left said, "She is more orisa than the two of us" and my cousin supposed to be this big Iya and Priestess/ Them identify as orisa, and initiated. I have not/

Then she told me she does not see me, she sees strength, as an old slave woman. I am ancient and I am with many ancestors about me. and is not the first time that has been told to me. it is the second time from a regular person saying it. The male therapist I see he told me that in the first session too.

The very thing that is tormenting them, and they blame me for, is the very meal they are being forced to eat. and it getting bigger and bigger i find that amazing.

 

What the therapist saying?

They sent me to get therapy cause i am the problem right? I am the pathology? I am sick. Something wrong with me. I hear that in various ways. Even heard last night how my aunt is afraid they put me on medication and that shocked me. cause it told me these people really mad. intend to make me mad and doing everything to try and bear that out, when only the opposite is emerging. It is them.

So the therapist told my aunt how she was harsh to me some years ago when i went to spend time and bond wiht her and she yelled at me telling me she dont need no supervisor. she was gardening. Out of the blue. sick people. I never forgot it cause it showed me who she was, and how she saw me/ and nothing has changed since then.

Then it came out in just one session that is not me they have a problem with it is their hatred for my father they project onto me, making me the problem then.

IT is their deep unresolved, abiding trauma and hurt of losing their beloved sister, and cousin that they blame him for. and i am being made to pay for that. And add to that, My refusal to fight him as they wanted me to for land and house and inheritance. They have it in for me>

That it is clear they are the problem. They created this problem. A clap of broken hurt people looking for someone to blame and lighten their pain. and it is me

Then they say how i defend my father and they cant talk to me about him or the story . but they dont realize they never talk of Carl, his name. but it is always, "Your father" So what the fuck are you saying?

They just dont like my blood. pure and simple.

I keep viewing and thinking of them as friends and the one family that kept me sane among the trauma and dysfunction of my family home only to find in this life decades later, that they are my enemy and collective nemesis.

so there is never any pause with them to absorb their role and behavior. just constant volley, constant attack. constant fight down

And i realize another big part of that is that I am the full embodiment of what all of them wish they could be, and that infuriates and enrages them all the more

It is an unending rope they wish to hang me. and hanging themselves in the process. creating much suffering

And all i am doing is what the sister reflected back to me last night: Just surviving. and "Riding the wave , floating off my ancestors"... their making and direction

 It was hard yesterday. it was explosive. I have never been so enraged , never emoted to that extent. i told them they are mad no ass

I am still not feeling myself today

 

read my posts from last night about 11pm.

All of them. the photos. of Egungun.

That is what my cousin;s friend told me. in front of my cousin. I am ancestral. I am Egungun. I came home and researched it cause I did not know of it. never heard the name or word.. It is allowing me to explain and process all of this stuff

They think it is me who needs help but it is not me. It is them. Toxic Pained People in Deep Suffering.
But their insistence to attack me keeps just blessing and elevating me. and that is the deep irony.

 
Trying to share and have a conversation with them, my cousin, about the therapist breakthroughs, messages and feedback and realizing all is just offense to them that creates more wounds and conflicts, just has shut me down for yet another time. A mistake that I shall not repeat.

I am exhausted. now

And that is also what the therapist said Wedn before this blowout. I am burnt out/

They think they have worked so hard in life and I am riding on their coat tails, completely blindsided that I may just have worked harder than they ever could or survive in this life, and it is their price to pay, to me as embodiment of all the past lives and ancestors. the denying that is creating a bigger price for them, and perhaps me too

my life and experiences are so far over their heads, even as they were present for much of it, it is like they werent, they arent. and it is causing great problems. but i guess that is the destiny


and i feel in the rising up yesterday,  the flaring up of my ignited soul, the blaze, my ancestral collective got riled up, disheveled, thrown into disarray, and the focus now is to reassemble them back into a calm . the question is who is going to take lead, and which on what spot, what positions, what corner, what purpose, mission. i feel that in my soul. i dont feel good. I dont feel like before. I do feel very famished. very low energy.  great constitutional discord

Zabocas and Corbeauxs

i did not even realize the top of the zaboca seedling even looks like a bird sitting in sleep, a corbeaux even.

....

so i woke up writing.

cause after my day yesterday; its revealings, emergences, revelations, i became clear. there is no need to ask for basic shit when you have plans to go to source. you ask for high and rich things. way above your hands, but within your management. you dont ask a giant to help you reach and you still asking for what your hand's length. it not so. is not so to do it at all. so i began writing and outlining the plan and vision.

then it started raining.

then i opened the blinds and peered outside.

only to see my tall avocado with new eyes of the day.

a few months ago that plant fell out of its pot. intact soil , impacted. i stupidly thought because it was atop the soil of a huger plant and pot and receiving water constantly it would be okay. not so. the leaves started to wither and would not revive. and then they dried up. almost all are still there, they are taking forever to fall off. the dead clinging to its source despite a total lack of life.

then i noticed that the tree began to grow new sprouted leaves, green and vibrant., new shoots, now arms. all of this existing with the dead and curled leaves still clinging..

and it hit me this morning. a zaboca tree will make you think it is dead. when it is not. when it is very much alive. doing well and producing. is it a wonder i love zaboca as much as i do and willing to pay any amount of price for it, as I have. I am writing and the one to one correlation and metaphor is stunning. down to being a womb, a female fruit . and is the tree a male or female character.? who does play dead the most to catch corbeauxs? males or females?

i am that zaboca, and its tree.

they think i am sick and dead when i am merely a turtle withdrawn into her shell for the right time to emerge, when and where it is safe to do so, cause bob did say, only when you fight and runaway do you live to fight another day. they dont got me though...they are so far removed.

i am living a spirit story in a human form. a cosmic revealing in an ant colony. the green and verdant amidst decay and death

Egungun

in 2006 or so i imagine. i no longer remember the date and time, i saw ella andal's warrior awake video. and was inspired to create a jouvert band of ;warriors'/ but the costumes were to be the pierrot grenade form, but for different sections, like say , east indians, the fabric would be of indian shreds and strands, silk, cotton, iconic acknowledged fabric. the african section would use african fabric strands, from all over the contintent. other groups , like say first peoples, would use fabrics iconographic to their history, and so on, chinese, etc.

only now, tonight, when someone told me they do not see me, but they see an ancient, an old slave woman, and that I am very ancestral, walking with many, and that is not the first time the latter was said to me, that i asked no questions, said i would come home and research it. I did not even have the proper spelling.
but imagine my surprise to see imagery of egungun and it is what? emulating the very exact same idea and pattern for the costumes I had envisioned / there are no mistakes.
when chase told me in some sort of trance that I am walking with all my past lives and they are my ancestors. it all comes together.
when i am asked how is it I am able to withstand so much trauma and not be walking the road mad and naked, I had no answer, but now I do. I am the strength of too many to be ever brought down or low.
and i also keep realizing the attacks that come up against me because of that strength. kind of wild. while i listened to the conversation about me, I thought of harriet tubman and wondered, if i was her too.
i got into a moment of force tonight that literally has me spent and demolished. i know whence from my rage. It is a long time since I have gotten to that level but it is for the carrying of too much
#theforcecollectiveofancestors
with every strand of fabric

i now understand clearly my connection to Olutosin/
the work she does, weaving, and creating clothing, accessories, items, art, wall hangings from multiple pieces of left over fabrics is the work of gathering the bones, egungun. and when i write gathering the bones, I think of my sister Edwidge, if only i knew then when i sat in her home having tea and vittles, what i know now...
the ancestors, and the women as keepers of the ancestral hearth

Right: Children maskers playing "Pierrot Grenade" at Carnival in Trinidad. The etymology of this costume can be traced to African Egungun and European Harlequin (commedia Harlequin historically played in blackface, the "rags" become triangular patches). At bottom:   a mummer in whiteface (blackface has been banned for 40 years) at the Philadelphia's Mummer's Parade, January 2011.

source:  http://performancetheory.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_23.html








Today served a mighty purpose. TwoHugeFOld:
1. To impress upon Carla the weight of the need to marshall
her forces and the prime minister to help me gain significant employment

2. For me to learn of my ancestral tome and carry. Egungun

There are no mistakes

Hunny

Hunny

I am sooooooo looking forward to seeing you again, as I know in time you will see that I am quite simply what you have seen so far.

I am trying to be an open book, and that's why I gave you my card. You said you weren't sure I was telling the truth about who I was...... you didn't believe my real name was Robin etc...... well now you know that you don't have to be so sceptical aboutme....

From the beginning I said I was an easy going and generally open and real person. Everything I have said, was because I said, I wanted to lay my cards on the table, to not be seen as a little boy that lies just to get in a lady's pants.

I didn't know that we were going to have so much in common where interests are concerned, but I really, really enjoy our conversations and time together and when I get back, I PROMISE to make it up to you and we can wrestle naked till you beg to stop .... lol

Anyhow, enough chat....

Don't overthink. We are good and I hope you get some good luck workwise luv...

London is great, but I will be back lol

Talk soon

R

Dada, Carl and Me

so carrie is gone?
cause why is bbc doing a retrospective of her work
and referring to her as "was"
yes. it ended.

fuck you 2016.
not for me. but for your rash racking
at least carrie fought back star wars
she did not go easy
another parent burying her child
will be interesting to see when her mother pulls her plug
such an interesting evening
saw a male cousin , essentially telling me that i took form and function of our grandfather who was a heavy hand patriarch, controller/ he was attempting to explain why 'he came for me; and i told him i never did. he came for me. but as he spoke i understood. he wanted to take over Dada;s role and saw me as his only rival for something that did not even come up on my radar. but now speaks to the kind of wombmyn i am . and moor said it: IRON
it also was another part of the puzzle and i said it to him..."do you realize that is all the negative, fight, attack and maligning of me from everybody.. matriarch come down...cause I am a woman being the authority of who they say only a man can wield. and so something must be wrong with.me. It was bizarre. too earth shattering a truth erupted in too quiet a mode and to brief a moment, literally no more than ten. and then we were interrupted/
life and me
it is really deep too cause this one male in my family is telling me amongst all the many and varied women in our family, i am the one who shows up like the patriarch. if it was not me, I'd be saying, buh wha d ass.. but it is me, aso all i am saying equally is wha. see. this explains it. this explains everything
and that is why he is protecting, carrying and covering me. and they still dont get it.
Carrie is only 60. if that/ crazy.

What Neal did not process is that i am the masculine hetero female wombmyn i am because of Carl my father, but he insists it is because of Dada, my grandfather. We have no idea how much our perspective, lives and personal experiences form and frame our thought patterns and projections

Systemic Micro Plays

Alan Ferreira

"Most of the times, the one to blame for where you are....is you."

how many of you on this thread have had someone block your meteor, while in flight, unbeknownst to you, because they felt you did not deserve or should not have the blessing, standing, status or position that was given , offered or earned?

how many of you on this thread had someone offer you something big but the person offering did not come to you directly, cause they did not know you, much, but went to someone else, a family member, say, and presented them. and that member saying, "you not ready" and you only find out years later? this happened in trinidad like in 2004.

the former happened in like 1996. at michigan state university. with racist biased white people. I applied for an inaugural position, to represent my field, agriculture economics, on capitol hill, dc. i had passed all stages , a national call out, with flying colors, but had not included my adviser, i had enough other people who knew me longer. they offered me the position saying i was the front runner but wanted to hear from that person, under who i was ostensibly doing my phd. she wrote them a letter stating, that i was black, indicating I went to an hbcu. she indicated that i switched my field, whichwas irrelevant, as I had the masters in the field required, but for the phd i went multidisciplinary. years later with this turn of events haunting me as the post evaporated...i ended up asking the secretary, a white woman too. and she told me in all her decades working in the dept she never saw a reference letter written/ worded like that. she ended up finding it, printing it, i still have it in my trove of papers. she wrote a coded letter to obstruct me.

i share all this to tell you how much you dont know, havent lived, havent ranged, no depth plunged, no star on rise, to fully understand how folk will come for you in different groves. different landscapes. put you in the place you belong. and you all should know about that very well. cause no where else but in trinidad is a phrase so oft repeated and used: "know your place"

it is kind of both deep and funny to me.

Imagine preparing, investing, studying, experiencing to build a foundation and a fortress, only to find there are ammunitions, by varied, that you never see coming and cant ever fight, the dastardly has been done. where you are could have everything to do with other people. and in this colonial society when someone sits down on a desk and decide what school you going to, which dictates your possible outcomes in life, i find this post...well...

live some more please.

and you know, your post is true. for when you never moved off the block you were born on, perhaps. i am gonna try that next life i think.

I thought long and hard about sharing, whether to leave the agreed mindset alone, so forgive me for not doing so... then it took me even longer to write this, carefully, to convey the obverse/opposite.

and i can go on.

been doing a lot of processing lately, a lot of personal work. and realize I have lived and living a story twice in my life. alienation from family, first it was from my father, now from my mothers family. both due to their hatred and jealousy of the former, and the latter, their disdain that i refused to fight him for land and inheritance, upon the death of their sister

you can indeed end up in places that your actions had no play in.

it has been an interesting life.

cheers

_-----------

This was a crazy post. and my life is its juxtaposition.

i tried to be brief, but realize as I closed how much more I could have shared and expanded.. Like me being without a home of my own because my dad sold my mother's house when he had neither right or jurisdiction but a crooked lawyer. 

 

-------

and the post reads like something your hater or massa would say after he cut off your feet or impaired your movement. I am spending time studying the dysfunction and evil that is the world we lve in and how it changes us and our life trajectory from a climb to a fall.  all the crime in trinidad is all about that