One
"A few friends shared with me “I, too, am Cambridge/Oxford”, and it
means a lot to me that they considered sharing those links with me. It’s
recently been quite difficult to function. I constantly have to push
myself and suppress how I feel and my body hates me for it. It’s strange
because I know that I can be an emotional person, a sensitive person, a
person who notices a lot….but I’ve
never known myself to be as emotionally unstable as I’ve been since
moving to England. I think that many people at home would view me as
rather calm, able to sleep in the midst of stressful times, quite
capable of just chillaxing, but for the past two weeks I’ve been finding
that incredibly difficult to do.
Why? Well, I’ve been trying desperately to answer that question myself. My hope is that the solution will offer some hope of relief to my mental and physical 'trauma'.
History lesson: When I was a child, I got short-breath attacks a few times, usually after my body has been through intense physical exertion. During these attacks it was incredibly difficult to breath and for the entire time I felt like I was going to die. It’s probably one of the scariest feelings when you constantly feel like you’re running out of air and you’re desperately struggling to get more of it…and I try as much as possible to avoid getting into a situation where I’d feel that way again. My parents would have to rush me to the health centre where they’d put an oxygen mask on my face and try to get my body back to a normal state. I’d sit in the same spot for a long time and just breathe pure oxygen until I was able to breathe slowly again. This type of thing never happened after I left primary school.
Fast forward a couple years to 2013…I had a near experience shortly after I got here where I felt an attack almost coming on…and I wasn’t physically exerting myself. It didn’t escalate to the point where I was really fighting to breathe though. I was able to calm my body down. Last week though, on two occasions, my heart started racing, breathing became difficult, my body felt as though it was going crazy, and I became very afraid that I’d need medical assistance unless I calmed down. The same fear that I’d lose control of my breathing and need a doctor came over me this week on my second attempt at skiing-my instructor wasn’t too happy with me-, but I wasn’t going to risk being on an icy slope, barely able to stand, whilst having a short breath attack and no way of getting out of it, or to a health facility, without more exertion. Last night again, my body went into a state of shock and then my heart began to race and I had to struggle to get myself to calm down. I spent a long time just trying to relax.
…and I’ve been trying to find the answer as to why this has been happened to my body so frequently within the past two weeks: and I figure that quite a bit of it has to do with what is going through my mind. Whereas in Trinidad I’ve had people tell me that I under-react when people violate my personal space, are prejudiced against me, threaten me, betray my trust or hurl abuses at me with atypical frequency…the opposite is true here. So much of what I feel seems to be an overreaction, so much needs to be hidden, unexpressed, and it’s been really hard trying to reconcile what is appropriate to feel and what isn’t. Are my feelings valid?..I’ve never had to face that question as directly as I do now. I’ve been trying very hard to ignore it, to hide what I go through… I don’t think that it’s normal, it’s good, it’s fair, that it’s right. But… well, I still need to express my feelings and I guess that’s why it helps me so much to share on this blog. ..and although my emotional frustration extends well beyond racial issues it’s really comforting to see people at Cambridge, Oxford and Harvard share what they go through too."
Two
"Interesting read.... especially since I have been experiencing similar feelings since being here... specifically being emotionally unstable.... and questioning the validity of many scenarios... even my own existence...
I would like to believe that the weather and maybe my hormones had some part to play in my emotions and further period of depression, but like you I am still seeking to answer that question..
Thank you for sharing...
Why? Well, I’ve been trying desperately to answer that question myself. My hope is that the solution will offer some hope of relief to my mental and physical 'trauma'.
History lesson: When I was a child, I got short-breath attacks a few times, usually after my body has been through intense physical exertion. During these attacks it was incredibly difficult to breath and for the entire time I felt like I was going to die. It’s probably one of the scariest feelings when you constantly feel like you’re running out of air and you’re desperately struggling to get more of it…and I try as much as possible to avoid getting into a situation where I’d feel that way again. My parents would have to rush me to the health centre where they’d put an oxygen mask on my face and try to get my body back to a normal state. I’d sit in the same spot for a long time and just breathe pure oxygen until I was able to breathe slowly again. This type of thing never happened after I left primary school.
Fast forward a couple years to 2013…I had a near experience shortly after I got here where I felt an attack almost coming on…and I wasn’t physically exerting myself. It didn’t escalate to the point where I was really fighting to breathe though. I was able to calm my body down. Last week though, on two occasions, my heart started racing, breathing became difficult, my body felt as though it was going crazy, and I became very afraid that I’d need medical assistance unless I calmed down. The same fear that I’d lose control of my breathing and need a doctor came over me this week on my second attempt at skiing-my instructor wasn’t too happy with me-, but I wasn’t going to risk being on an icy slope, barely able to stand, whilst having a short breath attack and no way of getting out of it, or to a health facility, without more exertion. Last night again, my body went into a state of shock and then my heart began to race and I had to struggle to get myself to calm down. I spent a long time just trying to relax.
…and I’ve been trying to find the answer as to why this has been happened to my body so frequently within the past two weeks: and I figure that quite a bit of it has to do with what is going through my mind. Whereas in Trinidad I’ve had people tell me that I under-react when people violate my personal space, are prejudiced against me, threaten me, betray my trust or hurl abuses at me with atypical frequency…the opposite is true here. So much of what I feel seems to be an overreaction, so much needs to be hidden, unexpressed, and it’s been really hard trying to reconcile what is appropriate to feel and what isn’t. Are my feelings valid?..I’ve never had to face that question as directly as I do now. I’ve been trying very hard to ignore it, to hide what I go through… I don’t think that it’s normal, it’s good, it’s fair, that it’s right. But… well, I still need to express my feelings and I guess that’s why it helps me so much to share on this blog. ..and although my emotional frustration extends well beyond racial issues it’s really comforting to see people at Cambridge, Oxford and Harvard share what they go through too."
Two
"Interesting read.... especially since I have been experiencing similar feelings since being here... specifically being emotionally unstable.... and questioning the validity of many scenarios... even my own existence...
I would like to believe that the weather and maybe my hormones had some part to play in my emotions and further period of depression, but like you I am still seeking to answer that question..
Thank you for sharing...
I
haven't been able to reconcile any of my emotions with race though
Maven.... never even thought of it... interesting perspective, I am
journal my emotions so in a different space and time I can reflect...
because these emotions are new to me and really made me question if
something was wrong with
me!"
My Responses:
- i am at a loss for words
though i wish to be comforting
at the beginning as i read, i immediately thought {the culture shock of being black in a western racist dominant sexist prejudiced hurtful to self paradigm} but at the end you say it goes way beyond racial issues.
perhaps..isolation, cultural shock, sensitivity overload, emotional-mental-psychological demands to 'buck up' swallow it. accept...
and the limitations of coping mechanisms, I dont know..
but i wonder if some Nina would help
She has been counseling my soul this night
http://vimeo.com/36905801
thank you for bearing your soul..i bear witness in honor
vimeo.comVideo by the Official Nina Simone Estate at http://ninasimone.com/ Follow: https://twitter.com/#!/NinaSimoneMusic 
i swear you all are experiencing classic text book stages of black trauma in a white supremacist world. but i am sure that reads like total madness to you both.
Black Rage is a book that comes to mind
and plenty others that are no longer at my mind's eye or fingertips to list
the shit is real!
and these are the reactions when you step into it full blown, unknown.
i wish i had some witnesses- Teocah! what you just wrote is a classic stylized fact of that whole phenomena
i was trying to research but it is insufficient..I just came up with
Racism, White Supremacy and Culture Shock of the Uninitiated
this thread even brings my own awareness...I lost a job in Mexico as a Travelling Faculty...and it was because I was already weak and fragile. took the job. landed in a hornets nest of the most dreadful power struggle of factions for the program housed at Boston College, and I literally broke down during planning and orientation session... they thought I was crazy>
i am now seeing that experience in a light shaded by your experiences this evening.
being black and female aint no joke and places like trinidad inure us into thinking...everything is a cakewalk and there are no differences between human experiences when in fact, it is the direct opposite
But let me pause there...I find this rich beyond belief but do not want to skew or taint your respective perspectives..>let that happen on its own..let what it is unfold.to your awareness.
journaling and writing though is a sure fire path to solution!
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