"sometimes i wish i could go back and live life over again....starting from high school.."
- Maven Huggins: " i knew someone would ask me that...and it would be you huh?
i would never have left nyc.
what would have transpired from that decision, i have no idea-- but surely this pursuit of school, academic rigor and accomplishment, the waste of my youth would not have been..
perhaps i would have started with a house on E 42 st at the young age of 26..maybe i would have taken over my father's business then i would have been a brooklyn business babe--" - Twa Makandal Ishtar: " You still have force left inside you Maven Huggins. Go and get it."
- Maven Huggins: "omg. epic question. cosmic answer
that question is so epic i am not even sure i understand it; can make the distinctions between the parts..
the imagined do -over:: i would not have derailed my life from what was effortlessly before me, i would not have flee from where i belonged, where i was grounded, from the people who knew me best and purely (high school and neighborhood folk)..i would not have went off on this search that had neither answer, salvation, or deliverance it was futile and proved so in a myriad of ways>>.i would have surely had a life had i stayed in nyc: community, context, children, more loves, legitimate living and livelihood
my life now: ? WOW>
i am out of time, out of timing, out of stream, out of pond, out of source, the salmon swimming upstream in strange waters, catching nothing and earning the ire of every living thing about me...so weird and unbelonging my existence...thirteen years of fallow for the completion of that search i went on at 18 completed in 2002...and having done that, my one misdirected mission it was like, what else . what now. what then. and i had/ have no answer..so it has been thirteen years and counting of wilderness
fascinating amusing deep entertaining stuff. but very true
i realized today i have not so much as failed at all. it is just that the ride ended. and it wasnt a ride. it was a twisted mission. wrongheaded goal, for whom? for what? all dead and gone and what is left estranged: my father, mother and brother, respectively
wow...that pursuit made and had me doing things that i deeply regret...Vincent and Junia...two spirits of the pod who sought to return through me, and I denied them...
i write with good equanimity...i can feel the emotion welling and rising behind me but i have swam and drowned in that water so many times before, now i just sail and navigate it so it is a good thing.... one tear rolls, eyes fill, but in context...i have crossed over
it is funny though this comes up now because i am on Humans of NYC webpage...and it brings back so much memory, so much reality..
that is it "David Simmons: "i think you're still very much on the ride, in the river and flow of things. your witnessing here is proof of that. someone whose ride has ended wouldn't even bother. maybe you haven't reached that point of (divine) intervention yet. but trust me, it's on its way"Maven Huggins: " Twa,
even if my force remains, which i know it does not. i have been battered too long survived too much..my fire that i could easily see in hindsight that took me up and through a lot of stuff is now gone, ebbed at best, warm coals if that...i am older. the fire that fuels us depletes and i notice something our black consciousness scholars write about all the time...if you are spending your energy fighting white supremacy and the vagaries of capitalism like patriarchy, misogyny and other so-called deformities for a white world...like nappy head black wombmyn liking her self, you dont have energy to rise and thrive.kind of like fighting the small stuff so your destiny remains undone...
but apart from that i know too that time passes, the opportunity and the Time for things have windows that expire, close, burglar proofing gets installed....what my father did in the 70s and 80s is no longer less so possible...a man with no education rising to the top of his game in a place like NYC with mafioso, and cliques like NYTell...black man too from the Caribbean. never again!.. same for me...
my time in nyc was then, striving with my set. for me to return now i would be doing the same thing i am doing here: being out of time and sequence with a next group of people...
my folk went on to have marriages, divorces, children and grandchildren, and i am still here bohemian on adventures, no pot nor window, just jaunts and the day's sun, no promises or entitlements for tomorrow.
do you know what it is like being 49 and living like 25? being 49 and looking like 28 on a good day, 36 to folk who have soul eyes...in any and all cases, I am out of sequence, out of files, just floating...that is a deep existence...i wish i could find other folk like that. I dont find them. know what i see there are a lot of women who never went on to those things but none of them have youth or youthfulness about them...that is the weird thing...Like i am some kind of fairy faery denying decrying all standards and protocols...it does not make for an easy ride. might be fun but very futile, frustrating and fooling i think...something there i cant quite put my hand on...just out of timing..allround out of timing
but it is like i was born for this
i was born and i was given a name that before me did not exist in the world.
...i ponder what that means all the time..and if nothing else,, my life proves it...living an existence that is uncompared as far as i can see...at great cost and price.. but selah...
i try to be sanguine. it is what it is..
the gathering of my men here.."Maven Huggins: " from your lips, mind, heart and hand David Simmons to God Universe Gaia Cosmic Intergalactic Ears and Manifestations!!!"Twa Makandal Ishtar: " You have been on the ride all this time . You just have not witnessed it . The EGO is a Trickster. For what I have just read. You are a success story. Your eyes and ears have finally blossomed Maven Huggins.
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