kif
if one seeks to be active and make contributions, to community, nation, or any entity, one's life really is full of nothing but compromise and dissonance.
i seeing that right through. in all other lives and my own.
i realize too that is why i have so many haters. i speak on those chasms and breaks, the ones others thought they had concealed their lack of integrity or the ways in which they slithered through and over what cant be, and everyone else, all the other sheep, applaud and laud you and I may not have a thing to say but just being in my presence, people feel the condemnation. think i am judging them and they have not even come upon my radar, but their abhorrence and resentment clue me in and catch my glance. that was ostensibly my eye opening experience to that dynamic, i strayed.
But i realize for all others and myself. and i have not figured out how to navigate those breaks, and chasms, so i have stayed out, silent and apart, which have earned me another set of haters. they felt i was of too much value not to give voice, be more active, be an activist. i thanked them directly for thinking so high and well of me. but look at the peculiar thing that is trinidad, they end up being my haters, those who wanted me to elevate and place myself. see you cant win in this place.
then there are those who hate me for pointing out all the things that are wrong and need not be in this trinidad. consider me a heretic for saying things about this paradise island,; they marginalize me for throwing stones as their beloved masters: and the biggest one of all, williams and his pnm...
which gets me to the point of this post. I heard someone say this morning that williams was the one who wronged this trinidad and tobago. sent me to the man's page yes,. i never knew we had that sentiment in common, though he has unfriended me, in his fundamentalism that he rails against in others, he executes...but then i learned something else, hence this post. if you think the master builder built the wrong church, then how do you end up being one of the congregants. and this is not to critique another...this is my personal chalice i am carrying but found it impossible to drink. only a few, two maybe will tell you that i thought to go up for moruga. but i can not stomach any party that has ever gone before. and i work on my dissonance daily so it was impossible for me to forget, explain away how i could associate with others whom I know have no plans or intentions beyond their own coffers, and more importantly, after eleven going on twelve years in this country, i realize our system of government leaves no room, gives no purview or authority for one to exact their own dreams, ideals, visions or help for any constituency...none. so rather than go in and be sullied, i stay out, still waiting for the bridge laid down for me, by what is bigger than me, and bigger than anyone who appears to do anything for me. cause that is the other thing I have found...aint no soul like that around
i have not yet decided to swallow those compromises or walk that dissonance.
count me mad or silly, the cost and price of that is sitting idly, still and just watching the river that is trinidad flowing.. even then, we cant say to what or where.
i love that i have a new indepth model to reference. not like it is a Lee Kwan Yew vision for this nation being constructed. far from it. everything has been for this place erosion and destruction. from people, to gifts, to environment, to inherent qualities. everything good is being chipped away. until i see some building happening, something constructive that will last beyond any of us, and no buildings and roads dont qualify, I shall not be moved.
the chasms and the breaks are too large
hell, i cant even navigate the male phenomenon in my personal life
i am going to manage party pitfalls
you know the sesame street long time game: which one of these things does not go together?
well then
i did wonder though, what of the people who are like myself: where can they go, what can they /.we do? together? but even there exists the moat of cliques, who is in and who is out. this place is one massive collective of various bully groups. from media. to journalism. to ethnicity. to religion, to neighborhoods. to regions. to gender. to skin color. i watch it all. i watch you all. you all are all frauds.
i chose my suffering so far, over your cloak of destitution
let the time and road prove me wrong.
it has not yet.
i started writing a post this morning and I dont know what happened to it, where it evolved to, or what i ended up writing; it is such a rich morning..but this here gets me back to it.. so much illegal money flowing in this country. you know I would be better matched to taking the money of grassroot street criminals, gangs and small gangstas, creating that underground mafia, and trying to do the good or best with resources of that source...open up the standpipes again, metaphorically speaking.
been thinking that silently for a few years.
need to talk to alexander
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