{i am not here to fight or frighten you; i am just here for us to feel together}
i had the recognition that when men meet someone they connect with , the are both equally enthralled and afraid and for a segment of them, they literally close up and in through a series of caves, doors, glass..just imagine a man retreating on one of those movie person movers, going backwards, and through a series of thresholds, doors close, you might be able to see through them a shadow or a form, but they all obscure and the process gives distance. i wake up and realize that process in hindsight. with one person i saw it as if it was a movie, a dark indian stocky guy i danced with one christmas two years ago. i remember it cause i remembered him asking me about something i told him once when we limed together and i could nto remember what he was telling me or what i said, and it just occurred to me that man i dont think shared anything about himself, just a one sided testimony i remember, and i only remember cause of the recent conversation where i couldnt.
the first statement occurred to me as something i wish i could tell my ex? lover? one of those things where I have no idea where this is going. if it is dead never to return. or if i am to believe my freewill astrology that is telling me to piece together the broken pieces, it will be far superior than it was before. how bizarre.
"Oracle card Aquarius (January 20-February 19) Horoscope for week of July 16, 2015
In Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler delivers the following speech to Scarlett O'Hara: "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." Your oracle for the near future, Aquarius, is to adopt an approach that is the exact opposite of Rhett Butler's. Patiently gather the broken fragments and glue them together again. I predict that the result will not only be as good as new; it will be better. That's right: The mended version will be superior to the original. "
for things you are to walk away and never turn back, i make circles, give pauses, as if i want to return to have conversations we never had, confused between my head and my heart, and the risk and damage to both, more and limb if i make the wrong decision.. my spirit tells me make no decision, take no moves, do nothing. let him declare from his cowardice. i think i surmise it may never happen then. and that is okay. dont they say peace is about not ever wishing, hoping or regretting that things would be any different. and we do that contrary to the characters involved. things happen the way they do because of the characters involved.
ah. the other thing...i thought how cruel life can be.
i have a friend who is pretty damn good to me. provides and shares with me when he has of the little he has, always. loves me to pieces, i think, and even if not, acts like it. he would want nothing more than to be involved with me, but, i have this rule for this small space trinidad...i am not dealing with anyone where everyone else has been involved with. i find this place obnoxious in its incestuousness..the amount of friends and associates who have been with and slept with the same partners..but more than that, i have zero attraction to this man. none. not if he was the last man on earth, and i wake up thinking, why couldnt he have been like my lover, his physicality and appearance, and give my lover, not his character, but his practices, cause the other thing is that my friend has no character i would ever want to be associated with. he has no back bone. i remember the spike lee movie, she has got to have it, a spin on not finding the one man that pleases you so you have a series to get all the pieces. that is tedious and almost impossible in a place like trinidad, at least thus far
which brings me to the other thought i had this morning
i think i might be a bull in a china shop...meaning, i think i dont yet comprehend or even circumspect my strength, energy, a power that i think others see, sense and feel that i merely move, talk, shift, breathe and exists, swipes others as if it was my hind quarter brushing them, or my hoof stepping on their new all white nike kicks, or knocking over their very carefully structured display cases of trinkets that is just empty koschks* to me. i dont see my self through the others' eyes, through the eyes of others and i think there are real risks of that, benefits, yes, i imagine, but grave danger and missteps/ this occurred to me as i processed the line that came to me that i wrote first above at the beginning...me, realizing things in hindsight. {i am not here to fight or frighten you; i am just here for us to feel together}
i wish i can be jarayed every morning when i awake.
note: this is a bad piece of writing, disconnected, disjointed, bad grammar, bad connections, but yet, nineteen people reading it. july 20, 2015
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