11:22

 
 You've seen my descent, now watch my rising. ~ Rumi


god good flying morning

right before i woke up...

i had a revelation; en evolution...

("if you have human sacrifice in your dna, i am not messing with you")

i, all my life, since the age of seven, since i left my mother's family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and went to my father and my mother, in nyc, and ever since then it maintained, I was trying to prove myself.

why? cause my father said somethings I heard...talking and critiquing my smarts or lack thereof, and it wasnt until late into my twenties I think I realized, remembered, understood,...that everything...wanting to be a doctor, the pursuit of qualifications, the dreams of greatness were all spurred by that... only in recent years has it been a slow machinery putting together, an understanding, an evolution..

so this was the revelation i had this morning...

my life tanked cause I no longer have anything to prove

i never did.

but since i took it on, i did exceptional.

i remain having done what most about me have not done

which is not an accolade at all, but something that hurts my heart in disappointment almost daily. I wish i had people to pursue and emulate and match, instead, i am the star, hated, and i would prefer the opposite. I would prefer to be about, in and embedded with greater stars than myself, more accomplished people...but nevertheless, i guess that is why i am the star, the revelation as it was given, makes sense in that context...I dont have nothing to prove.and beyond that, i have done so much and enough, sit your ass down. your only purpose now is to sleep, relax, enjoy what might abounds, whatever abounds, no judgment about that either, cause the life i was living and pursuing a decade ago and all my life prior was about elevations. now we are on the street, taking things as common as they come, to the consternation of those about me when they see me in their eyes being labash, extravagant...and that might just be a plate of tomatoes sliced with lime, sea salt, and olive oil. they may lose their minds if they see me with some white cheese on it.

saying i have nothing to prove anymore also carries its own weight for me now. personally, environmentally. I realize the deep of the scenario is that yea, it was my dad who did that first fuck up, but really and truly, these bitches who think my life a failure, they are the ones who are trying to force me to prove myself to them: to conform to their way of living, thinking, behaving, movements, associations. yes, even after i surpassed them, but being knocked down to where they are at...I am to prove myself. the most obvious of ways and there are really several of those: how i conform in their midst is one, getting work, a job, is two, being a people pleaser is three. I dont have nothing to prove to them either. so wooza...a revelation inside a revelation. all my life i thought it was just carl. now i realize is carl, marjorie, mona, margaret, and all who else harbor unease.

i dont have to

sit my ass down. sleep, dream, astral travel...i have always been a traveler. i now realize. traveling up and down from nyc to trinidad all my childhood. traveling to europe in college when no other black kid was doing that and none of the white kids in my midsts were either, only one chick, Dana somebody, a very aristocratic delaware horse chick. then my career was travel. and now that i do not travel in the physical anymore, i travel almost nightly, in my dreams, astral.. and even all my life, i have had major unbelievable dreams travelling between planets, times, generations, storylines. so yeah. keep doing that. and write what you see, hear and observe. and art it too. that is all until we call you. dont call us, we will call you. sit your ass down. you aint got nothing to prove.!