Black Resentment

you know. odd thing.

i woke up, first of all, knowing i dreamt of someone odd

but now cant remember who. i jumped up and got active too fast,

before i did my recall work.

but i woke up thinking how trinis, and them in your circle, network, associates eh, seem to have a disdain and an arrogance and a full of themselves kind of thing...i cant adequately explain it. but I am seeing it now that I dont have my own vehicle. you will ask them for rides and it is like an attitude of why would you ask that, take transportation. an arrogance of i have and you dont. rather than an i have, if it works, no problem. it even goes so far as for people to renege on rides if they feel you vex them or did not behave according to their realm. from since ole years, standing by an establishment, I felt my jaw get stiff. and since then, it has had some kind of ache. I woke up feeling as If I did not know who to go to, which doctor, where for screening, cause for the first time I dont know if this is teeth, bone, or something else related. and would hate to spend money going to one doctor that is a waste of time. and i remembered what it was like to have money, so my screenings were of no mind. just go to dr. ryan in st clair when i had my car, and my other doctor since no car. but i really woke wondering who can I ask for a ride to get to the doctor and realized , what a delusional thought that was...and then i began roving and recalling and it hit me. this sentiment people give off/ mind you. i been driving my own ride since the age of sixteen when i got my license eh. carl huggins to thank for that. this now is an aberration not my life.

so i woke up thinking that.

then i got an email from my cousin.

since my old uncle died and even before that, his trooper has been lodged at the mechanic, as if it have no owner, no family, no one's value, cause she driving big nissan xtrail, and nephews all have fly rides according to popular press. so who have time for an old trooper. except melise, who accustom driving pimped out old rides, who have value and see aesthetic in anything, who has no vehicle right now, and it is feasible for me to fix this trooper rather than the high price to fix my crv. so we talked this about a month ago. new year come, I am trying to move on plans. she write me some confusing message that makes no sense. and i realize...this is a block, and a means to stave off. but I made it plain, reminded her of her words: 'we will work on a strategy for you in the new year". now it is because i realize as a woman, and a woman accustom, a car is indispensable.

but the exchange made me realize something while i was making pepper condiment. trinidad are made of really bitterly stingy jealous envious resentful people. think about it. why are there so many abandoned homes, lands and buildings in this country? thee is a reason. count how many times you hear of families in dispute over the same, even when there are multiple persons in claim, the group will never get together and say, lets give it to so and so , to break up any deadlock and let us all move on. and i realize. that is that ugliness of resentment, jealousy, envy. even and especially when everyone else has and have you know, they still deny you. its like they resent your ability to get just so, so easily. they feel why should you be so blessed and fortunate. not that i am put out , lacking or without you know. as a culture and a people, we prefer for resources and assets to winnow in the wind to nothing rather than let a relative, a blood, a family, anyone benefit from it. check it.

i will wait to see what happens in this case of the trooper

but right thru, this has been the observation in my family.

on both sides.

my father felt, why should he give me anything when i am so close to my mother's family who is his arch enemy. he not knowing they have become demons and my biggest haters. but he would tell me, "i told you so" and he really did.

it has been the same when i asked an aunt to let me build a three level condo town house in our backyard for single professional women renters, we would have had an income coming into the property to maintain our pension unemployed asses.

it has happened when I asked this same cousin to let me open up a cafe in my aunt's abandoned shop, second spring. i even offered that we rebuild the house because the lot has so much potential. asked to build an apartment over the garage, more space, option and opportunity again - all denied. and i realize. us africans like to talk about indian people. but they dont do that shit. they can see all can benefit. and they will offer and assist what is available for the elevation of one, for the rest.

but i want you to know something. all the two who have denied me. both women. were aided, helped assisted and provided for because members in the family sought to do exactly that.. and now. look at them.

we shall see how this peters out.

i not fighting up

but i surely keep trying to save myself