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Good Morning,
My hands could not take the tiny keyboard this morning.
Do you know that? Is that amusing to you? Do you all mention that among yourselves?
Now about you ...
I have no idea what belly you talking about
Let me tell you about the protocol cause like no body told you..
If we have a bit of a pouch and we not flat. we dont generally talk of that . and certainly not as a belly/
I dont see what you are talking about. but your busts are bigger than mine, appearing . but i also know
dimensions
that are different among people which makes our appearance different
can be misleading when we wear the same numbers. I am not sure. only a
fitting could finalize that answer.
The `pic of the siblings is a time capsule. you all need to keep that picture. it is seminal somehow..
It is like an artifact for me.
So the big elephant for me, amidst all these varying dynamics is Charlene.
Debbie, it was between sleep when i saw that pic at five this morning and i was shocked.
And can i be honest and tell you what struck me immediately?
I wondered if Charlene is mentally ill? Did something happen to her? Did she snap
Cause
Debbie, who walks around like that? That is not even a belly and it is
worse than what I thought in terms of appearing like a pregnancy cause
it appears lopsided in the pic. But Debbie, that is HUGE>
You know looking at it, with my intuition or third eye that saw a deep disturbance made me`weaken.
It somehow symbolizes my own mental vulnerability
Talking to you last night struck me internally too
After i got off the phone I was affected and dont know why
Not
sure if I was struck to hear how my colleagues of college had moved on
in life, were together, in sync, and I was still in a different
compartment all together.
An alienation but also an acceptance that I have been living a different path
What is peculiar is that all my coping does expire
And you know you asking me what do i do all day, what is my life,
Triggered for me of how I am tired, how the dispensation is up and over.
How it is time for something new, but I dont know what or where
But like I was home and doing nothing from 2010= 2013
Then tried organic farming and business creation. Got burnt. betrayed.
Was successful, for I saved this family's twelve acres of land, and my access to it was stopped.
I
have been so close and wanting to get into mafia to one deal with stuff
and people like that as well get a community; but that was a form of
craziness. that my life could and was spawning
Then in that hurt I was liming every day. and did that for three years.
Running away from myself and my relatives here.
They have been horrid to me. And that was and has been very traumatic and painful
My aunt after all these years of being horrid to me, in this trauma of my life falling apart,
and complaining of me living off of her, is now paying a whopping $820/ a session for me to go to therapy I started in december. and that is so intriguing. cause all i am learning and getting confirmation on is how everyone around me is sick. how sick trinidad society is, how it is a society of trauma, abuse and ugly. That the colonial post slavery mind
is still very close to the surface. it is why people are so violent,
uncivil, unkind. it is hard for you to understand what I am saying
probably by these words and how this society might be different from
others but trust me it is. Like how my aunt denied me to plant food in
the yard and tend garden . this morning I got the revelation that she
did that because she has all these false notions of who she is and how
land and planting soil and food is beneath her, but this morning I got
it clearly that she did not want me in her space of her vision of her
self which is horticultural gardening. and that is part of this place.
people are so fragile as to be ugly and selfish and resentful against
you to deny you what is so sensible that could benefit all just because
it is a threat and a toe step to them. and i been dealing with that
right through from the beginning but did not know it. as i was ignorant
of the culture and the personality of a trini.
and the society and nation suffers because of this. Debbie this place
is such a unique place and to be so small and so full of damaging
dynamics.
That to me is my saving grace. If I could
get a chance to publish my writings on this place. The years of my
writing. That would end my life of marginalization, non productivity and
poverty. I have a lot. been writing since 1990. and never stopped. and i
have so much material.
That could be something that would
resolve this situation but it needs to be a big international publisher
with a hefty multiple project contract who would market and promote me
internationally. Then one of my manuscripts i realized from the time I
did it is really more of a film script than literature. and it would be
magnificent because there is nothing on tv or film like it. a storyline of a black woman who is not fraught with typical tropes but all the unique: traveling the world. phd, family, trinidad,
my experiences, legacy, just all odd. the mysticism. It is a story of a
self directed self fulfilled black woman the thing the world never sees
reflected.
But i am tired of days doing nothing.
My hands are getting affected being on the computer
I dont know if this is what arthritis feels like or because of a life on the computer for eighteen hours continually
But me leaving trinidad and living a publication writing life is not problematic. in the states or outside trinidad, I could use that technology of speaking my books. that translates to words on the screen and paper.
So that is what was triggered last night. I am tired. time for a change
And my life has always been that, even these seven years:
three years sitting.
three years striving business
then
at the end of last year i shifted again: self help. closure of pining. a
renewed effort to get a job (this year I write them all down rather
than just leaving them in the email to get lost or deleted), and it is
only three months, four months of a new dispensation, but so much
significant has happened already
This new change though that i felt last night is a desire to get off facebook and the computer.
it is like i need to get my hands in rich soil to see if that would reverse the degeneration I am feeling
All that is what i felt briefly last night
As well as recognition of some other things
A boredom for lack of a better word. And loneliness. my life is solitary
There is no one I can or have to talk to. People are so fake and superficial here it is wild
My
aunt admitted to me how she and my mom were close but they really did
not talk. when she said that I was shocked into silence. that fakeness. and it is not just them. I realize that is the art of this human condition here.
Anyway, these days i am very clear upon my vulnerability, so when I see it in others it strikes me
and i see something with charlene, for a good looking vibrant woman like charlene to have accepted that physical deformity, Debbie, ehnt
normal. but I know that is what life does to us. Fucks us up. and
silently where people could see you ever y day and still not know it.
recognize it
IN therapy, i been reading books on my therapist's shelf. And it is like I am in training to be a therapist. and learned this
was the norm in the 60s in NYC. one became a therapist by getting your
own therapy, and starting your own practice by billing sessions of
clients under supervision of others. can you imagine? back then, it was
not school. . And something about that appeals to me.
And I
realize that i have a natural inclination to therapy and to give
counsel, because of so much of life I have lived and experienced. Not
sure how I would do it. I think of a text app, Talk Chat . not physical
sessions. I dont know
So that is the most of me this morning.
There is so much more but my hands really do bother me
I type a lot of errors And this is already one of those crazy messages
Cheers
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