i wake up thinking what to do with all my futility, time and emptiness. what to do with the brokenness, broken heartedness. i thought to write a book. but not even an hour in and I am calling two : one person and a group out on fb. perhaps my life has purpose afterall
#selfsnark
and the reason i do that...i also wake up thinking of so many people I wish to disband from my life. i never wish to see or speak to ever again in life. people who and they by no means are extraneous, outliers or unusual. but i think how useless people are to other people's lives. in general. Like, is it me? but the things I want to do no one in my circle has ever done them, ever think to do them and I think it so obvious the need. but more than that they will stand in your way and not bring a bucket of water to make your efforts grow if that is all they have accessible to them, they wont even do that. but more importantly i look around and see how useless people are to other people's lives. and i check myself I can talk. and i will.
I have helped people out. I have never hesitated to throw a raft, a life jacket, a hand or jump in when I could. i make the offers and i do the work, place my money...waste even my money. when my sister was essentially a married single mother, I offered for her to come live with me, at the time I was living in a big macco house by myself, two other big bedrooms were available. I told her i would help her drop off and pick up the children, to alleviate the commute and her doing it alone. I know she thought me crazy. cause that offer was so far outside our relationship. and it is odd they look at me as someone never to take something from or take an offer...i am not sure why..but she was breaking out in melanin and acne, and her hair has fallen out and been damaged several time from unhappiness and stress, overworkload and single parenting. and I can tell you the latter was suffering.
i have helped people out. when my body products maker and company got her business smashed, she tells me i was the only client or friend to call her and i did not consider us friends as such. but i just saw someone in crisis. i saw something I would never want happen to me. and it happened on national news/public tv.. i lent her $10K to get back on her feet. on contract. know girlfriend stiffed me, played me, reneged on and ignored the contract. her loss. i dont play when i play right business. she ended up paying me back $30K or more. products and money over time. all that cause i was trying to help her out. had she honored the word she would have just been borrowed. instead she did shark.
I have helped people out. spent my money to enrich someone who turned out to be a shithound I have never helped someone so deserving but i was blinded by the resource and the potential, the wooing and the promise of a life and relationship . my own livelihood and dreams come true finally.
but it was always about land and coming from a profession, a training, a career and a history of black people abandoning land I just did not wish to see it about me, i could not contend that. so i got carried away and used, disabused of my notions. I have never been so greatly played but to this day, i have that at the altar. it is just a few months since. I await to see how the universe deals spirit justice. i have helped people now a man and his trifling family can say the have land because i did all the work to pay off a debt for them, called in contacts to have the land removed off of a repossession list. organized a fund raiser and campaign for donations to keep streaming in/only to be denied use of the land for planned and marketed projects. Ma'At of Justice must balance things out soon.
and before that I have helped people out> I helped out an organic bee farmer in my neighborhood. my policy was and is if you are doing something I support and want, there is a benefit to help you out. And my policy is if i have and you dont, and i cant use my resource for me, why not for you. that is what you call being a major ass in this environment of takers, thieves, criminals and loachos .
But i still think it necessary for good community living - how can i help elevate you so that we all are lifted up; we all function, all our needs met; Utopia Ideals for sure..
But this morning I wake up realizing how folk really are useless to each other. who helps build another? who puts a hand out to save you? and the folk i am around who can but dont, i dont want to see hide nor hair. there are many.without naming them.
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I write that above and before I can leave it the other and further sides come to me. That the reality is that people really are impotent, ineffective useless selfish hands tied losers and clowns sans any or many things of value, resources even bravery. And with that, what can who do? much of nothing.
You must have answers, see vision, view possibilities and be selfless. Then be brave to try/ See I just expect way too much in the Land of Curs
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