All Just Broken Children

i dont even have that. i write this all the time it is one of my greatest sadness. i am surrounded by people who have not done anything of significance. of remark. none of them have not done half of what i have done. i cannot go to them to help me navigate, solve or strategize any problem in fact, when i tried, i was  told to just swallow my poison it happens to everybody (slave mentality), or people feign they have powers and connections and abilities, but when it comes down to it they are perpetrating, i have learned. and there is no one i trust, who has wisdom, life living sages who can tell me do this here, how, this way...a big part of it too is that you can only seek that out from someone after they have the goods, the truly like you and for you, and in trinidad i find jealousy and envy is the foundation of most relationships, all, even familials.

I write my sadness all the time, up to last night i spoke of it to my niece, she said to me, "you know people talk about you behind your back" and i ended up telling her how I wish i had a grandmother still living. a few years ago i was actually praying and looking for an old mature woman to fulfill such a role for me, but it is deep, it is almost like the older folk have no damn sense. i saw it all along with women, like women want to rival younger women, just as petty and small minded--is like folks dont grow here, dont eveolve...and then we all saw it in the last few days with the grandfather and the child .. there is no more safe and wizened face to seek solace and counsel..

and i just had an exchange with my mother showing how petty she is...insisting on moving anything i place or put anywhere, even a mug on a saucer in the wares cabinet. woe be unto me


and i know one of the reasons i have not moved farther in life is that i have done all i can on my own speed. there is very little one can do without an army behind you...


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Many people spend 90% of their time with a group of people, whether it is in person or online; but when they need good advice, motivation, a shoulder, assistance, and in emergencies, they turn to another small group.
You cannot expect to a healthy body if you daily imbibe junk daily, and take a vitamin once monthly.
It is what you do most consistently that guides your life. ~ Sheldon D Scipio