When we decide to make changes in our lives that are truly transformational—whether it's no longer allowing anger or deep hurt to shape the contours of our lives, changing our diet, our spiritual focus, our lifestyle or the ways we love—it is so much more than just a change for the better, it's a quiet ministry; a gospel that you don't need to preach because everyone around you can see, feel and experience the good news.
—Àdisà
dareIsay things seem to be moving back to normal
if your anger, depression, brokenheartedness; did i say anger and rage takes you only to drinking, smoking, liming, barhopping, and all done still in moderation to what was possible, and your environment, and you do that just for a short time, say a nine months; You Good. you real all right
then if your nights of wakeful sleeping, brain on steroids, and sleeping in sessions ends and you return, seem to return back to eight and nine hour long, well, even if it is separated into a six hour session then a three hour session, more signs that life is returning to some semblance of 'ok'
i woke up fine. the second time. a call from jeffrey doing my land business.
asking if we can meet, still two days beyond, i await to see what intervenes on that that...but what i learned working with him is you really have to be careful who you give your jobs to, they may/will take the job and do it just to their own value system and limited perception..say if you send him to buy pig corn and he only values human edibles, he will come back with no corn/ or if you were using said corn to make and mix your own animal feed...you will be sitting there for months waiting for jeffrey to return, and it will be because he felt you could not go further with your plans for how he perceived the project or the inputs you sent him to buy. but i was cool and just biding time and observing. i mostly too was waiting for the universe to direct me. then too i think i only heard from him this morning cause he wanted something from me. sigh. these local mfers.
but i got up good. and just so .after making up the bed, turning the a/c on i decided to light incense. not so much burning these days as no smoking. and went to shower. and just so..something not common ever for me to do, i told myself, "i want /need some perfume in my life. and pulled out some nag champa oil to soap and bathe with..it smelled divine. but the idea: i need some perfume in my life..it gave me a product idea. and after i lathered . while rinsing, i pulled some shalimar and sprayed it in my last water. more reflections. who would have some perfume bought in london from when they were in college, twenty nine years ago??? it is the trail end for sure, but yes, it is that old.
but not just the perfume, and the cutting of bad habits and living, I have been preparing to move away from people in my life and surrounding doing nothing, about nothing, serving no to little function, who cant teach me nothing, elevate me or support my intentions or dreams.. I resolved it again yesterday and feel it is the right thing to do. also too because of their associations filled with jealousy and envy, i have stalkers. no. if you bringing trash, then get out. and that shocks me how so many people make homes and living, relationships and stress, be happy, pleased, unresponsive to it...trash. i wish i can write a book. one man has an evil woman living in his house, and she does not talk to his daughters. and for him and them that is all alright. it occurred to me last night the things that i used to be so adamant about in how i live my life, is normal course for most people. if this was humbling i have no words. my destitution and lack of control has not changed my values, i was just forced to contend with what would never have been permitted before. for others, no such gymnastics, it is what it is and they all go along, mumble silently, come to blows at times, and everyone dances around this being. not me. i threatened to cut her ass and throw it in one of these huge box drains. my sister reminded me while i was here i am above all this, this is not my station. and it is true. i find that about my life in trinidad. i am around people i never was before, on a level that was never mine. but it is almost all there is. when i first landed here and met ken valley one of the thoughts i had was how the top echelon was filled with pigs, it mattered not the status, post or money. when i talk of becoming a vigilante it is not playing. this is a place full of people who wont let you be, as you design and wish, it is like they intend on sullying you and breaking you. i am deciding to meet some folk. they may not be afterward. but that was their call. sounding crazy eh? yeah. that too is amusing to me. how what was once mad crazy, is now normal requirement. after you turn the other cheek a few times. walked away in silence. try to live and let live and they still come for you, drastic action is required.
funny. maybe it is i am slipping from one kind of madness into another.
and it is okay. cause it is just me adapting. not standing still. removing all and any hint of being victim. if is that game they playing, then let me suit and armor up
and after i perfect my two, i will take jobs for yours. serious
i spoke all this in a meeting yesterday, with the head of an ngo. and in the presence of a witness, the one who took me there, "there is a brilliant woman you need to meet" . some of us are not like the rest. we just need to find and interlock with each other.
and then after or while or for to deal with these cretins, i need to battle my engagement with food. i felt yesterday i had no sense or mechanism to tell me when i was full. it is a funny thing when you already lived at a weight that all charts said you were overweight by about fifteen pounds. far less for adding another fifteen. and all folk say is one thing or the other: "you thick" or, "how you solid so" always have been the latter, even when i was a toothpick size two in highschool. sit on you and your thigh better have some real lean tensile muscle, you would be begging for me to get up
i wonder of your own inner thoughts. are they to build you up? get you correct? get you to happiness, the absence of wants, or to correct your momentary errors.
whatever it is, good morning twenty seven
it occurs to me this rambling seemingly belly button gazing irrelevant post of the banal, is not. it is about the various ways we perfume our lives: the things we perfume. the things we wish to correct. the paths we take to keep moving, the struggles we have and how we navigate, negotiate or get over...
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