this article is blow mind.
http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason
if i could , i would have every last one of you on fb read this, but that is impossible. i could not even
get my close associates to, its trend is so far outside the norm. yet, this is my life..my experience...my outcome..
"People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand."
"Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn."
the funny thing too, is that i did move walk away from people in my life who felt my downfall was my fault. but i realize in this small space, there is no escaping. you can elude but for so long. and what i thought was eluding to might be better,, i learned it was worse, more depressing, people more asleep, so trinidad to me is amazing. there is only bad, worse and deplorable. nothing else
now i am trying to find healing amidst devastation and in their perpetuity of nonunderstanding, people are still in responses of surprise, concern. cant win. cant have allies.
i think my last two years was a period of grief, where i signed off and out. just drinking and smoking and liming. yeah. and i did not know i had signed out. i am not even sure now how i came to realize that i had signed out, it is a recent revelation. but immediately i set about trying to pick up , gather and assemble new pieces. still a new enterprise. i was able to move so quickly cause this has been a process of thirteen years or more. the last two was just the raked bottom. i think i have been afforded the privilege to grieve, but not without a tug and war. i have survived. and have done so modestly beautifully. folk constantly tell me "it dont look like i suffering for anything"
and to tell you how much of a process this has been, I am not now seeking to carry my experience or journey, i have literally put it behind me. there is nothing for me to carry again. i have been carrying it. i am and have put it down. i am moving on without all that baggage. so much so, the work i am in now, is to remove , rechannel, reformulate my mode and modus to be free of all the effects and affectations from what I met, what i encountered, how i dealt with it. how it changed me. I cannot change any of that, I am merely trying to make the wrinkles smooth, the edges refined, i want to move forward as elegantly as I can and not broken and crippled and surely not obviously so, if you understand me
"Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe."
i know about that fragile vulnerable shell
i have resolved to grow from that, out of that, and it happened for me while i was marginalized. and i may well remain so, but it is not one complaining but recognizing all of us not meant for the barrel
"Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes. "
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