i wake up to be about the business
and what greets me at the top of my page...
one of mine, the least used and serviced, and the irony and wonder
why is not so challenging to figure out
Unemployed/Livelihood Seeking Trinidad Tobago
i now realize this is a badly worded title.
but it is poignant it stares me in my face upon waking..this morning
i wake up prepared to rumble the process
to again purse and pursue self directed activity, enterprise, entrepreneurship
and i am flooded with thoughts
i was first met with the realization that i think folk are intimidated by me.
a friend suggested to a daughter of a kind to let me run her stationery store as she is looking for someone . small money. but i can do there what i do at home all day and make shop change, do art, internet. Her response was she could not dare ask me to do that. but if one is willing, makes entreaties to support you, and you still refuse them, something else is going on. either your concern that you cant and wont have a typical employee to mistreat and disrespect or you are unwilling to be seen and engaged? or something I cant figure out that is outside my realm that i label as intimidated. this is just me admitting that there is something always odd about my dynamics with others. and yes it is me, but it is just that i am not like every other.. not simple. not simpleminded. i sit around people and hear their conversations and i am forced to be silent cause i have nothing to add: foolish talk of laughter and cackles, people talking about other people. the things i talk about i see they have no interest, walk away, they go silent. it is fascinating. I will talk about my business ideas and dreams, the issues in the landscape like tstt, flow, cable thievery, citizen action like suits and effective occupation of land, abandoned houses, collective economics. how black people cant do a thing for each other, except destroy and fight down.
me and a mutual talking about a demon we know and i mention she had stolen my phone, and someone whom i did not tell that tidbit to but who knows my phone is gone, said to me, "how everybody always doing something to you?" and this after the evening before she walked me home with two sisters saying, "let me make sure you safe and nobody eh follow you home cause you know you have a lot of fans" and i marveled how people's talk, heart and mind shifts here by the hour. i was put off to hear her say that but it gave me pause, made me thinking, told me to keep my mouth shut and not talk of what most cant understand or process. but it gave me a bigger insight. I realized here in Trinidad, when people like you, they fuck you up and torment you. they dont know how to process the love and affinity they have for you so they either want to be you, hate you, malign you, want to fk and consume you, talk about you and swing between love and hate for you. that is the model..
i realize also this morning that i stopped writing since aug 10. dont know how i did not realize it. my last photo card on the desk is so dated. likewise my blog was similarly dated at the 13th. until i posted some ideas on Independence on the 31st.
and yet still, i have got to make it through and access my power despite all this enmity...because i speak the truth. one young guy seemed to get mad at me the other night cause i stated, 'who is out here to cover my back?" man walk away yes. but folk do fantasy lives and lies here. and will hate you if you dare to speak the truth of our collective dejection.
anyway...moving on
die trying to build that empire
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