because of my conversation last night with mature malemen,
i wake up this morning knowing something I never before recognized, said to myself or even came close to surmising:
that given the things I did and the places I been, and the stages and activity I accomplished, had i been male, I would probably have been a big global professional at this point.
yesterday was my friend's sixty two birthday, and owing to the brilliant smart friends I have, our limes are stimulating. effortlessly turn so. he lives next door to a footballer. we were across the grounds from the savannah where the football club plays every sunday afternoon into evening, which most times turns into a serious lime> pot always bubbling, or food catered in and one of the members is a bar owner.
so i thought it would be natural for him to play and waiting for him to tell me he is too old to tell him at least half the men are at his age group. but he opens to tell me he did play football in secondary school and at form 5 he was to make a goal, but instead, his sneaker flipped off and into straight up int eh sky and the ball when awry. no goal. and in front of some big regional game. he said the embarrassment he never got over and said he never wanted to see a football after that.
I was struck by that story. cause it immediately made me think, he needed to have gotten over the hump. to keep playing. keep doing whatever it is you do when you tanked or floored. you never stop there. is what i knew and my natural inclination. but it got more curious. i started to ask myself what embarrassing moment have i had in life, or a litany of them, and i could not think of a one. I ran track and never tanked . i rigored once in a first time 400 metres but I still finished, and i am not sure now anyone outside my team and coach knew that i was struggling, or maybe the thought i was lame but i never knew it. I was in a school play, the wizard of oz, playing the witch and nothing untoward happened. I think the only embarrassing things that could be said all happened in trinidad, but i was not embarrassed. which is the thing: it made me wonder have i no embarrassment bone?
so after our friend tells us his story, he asks us...and then my next friend talks of being on a date, at a restaurant, and having no money and how he snuck out to go and come back. and i was amused. that has happened to me so many times because I have always gone to restaurants as normal activity. and either the card wont work, or you forgot to load up on cash, or you took the wrong bag, etc. whatever. I calmly go to the owner operator and explain, give contacts. tell them i will return and everything is alright in the world. you know between the united states, and trinidad, for fifteen years. you know the first time there was ever such a problem with such was in trinidad. at the hilton. where they being so grimy, had a serious problem with that incident. to the point where the head of security, an indian guy told and admitted to me the way it was handled was completely wrong and unnecessary. related too is an incident at hyatt, where because I worked in the towers I was there regularly and knew much of the ground staff. never had a problem from 2011...until this year. so it is interesting, i can state unequivocally among the most international of establishments here in trinidad, a growing gross and heaviness with how they handled this particular problem. . i actually forgot to mention this last night. did not even think of it really...
but the reason for this post is that the questions continued. b asked, "what was a time where you felt like a star?" and his was going over for the grenadian revolution to drum for some event and upon returning to trinidad how his host came to pick him up in some fancy procession and vehicle as if he was a head of state and that the police army defense ran in front the vehicle clearing the road for the car on the way to the airport. I was twittered .
then my other friend spoke of how he was at cannes. liming with a crew. there was some big algerian fashion show, he was invited but wasnt going. somebody mentioned it, so the crew went., but get to the door and it is ram crammed with people trying to get in, so he decides not to proceed, and begins leaving. only to hear some big commotion and calling from the top of the line, making wild hand calls for him to return, clapping to get his attention, he refuses, they get more insistent and wild....so he gets to the front of the line and says in french :" the artist must be at the show" and proceeds to sit him and his crew at the front line of the walk.
i felt impressed, not by them but for me to have friends of such illustrious major events and celebrations!
anyway, when they came to me to answer, I shared with them how i refused to let tuskegee refuse me for graduate school. and explained that i pledged a sorority after my first semester at college, where i did great my first term, off to a great start. but instead of continuing growing up i became something of a party girl and if not that, a laggard. i did the base amount of work, no effort, just enough not to fail which was nothing at all. and had the nerve after i graduated to try and go into vet and graduate school. the gall of some people. but it was funny, i felt as though graduate school was a way to transcend dead end jobs and then i was not even doing that badly, I was a program coordinator of boys and girls club delaware. at twenty two?! I Now realize my life has probably suffered too because I was never satisfied. always hungry. always wanted more. always pursued what was more grand. first time for this revelation too. makes my perception more confirmation...that is the energy , vibration, and intention of men...to want more, to keep striving, to go to the next level. never satisfied. well because of my poor grades of 2.3 cum, tuskegee was not having me. and i did something then that i know I dont have energy, interest or ability to do anymore: i begged, I was relentless. I was unretiring. I never gave up. I called those people nonstop, all offices I could find. mind you I was in delaware. the school was in alabama. that happened until they gave me a provisional. I was on probation. I ended up working my ass off, getting a working scholarship and graduated with a 4.0.
when i told my friends this story last night they made fun and said, their stories are not nearly as grand and impressive. it is what made me recognize this morning, that had i done the same things as a male, there is no way more recognition, returns and accolades as well as never ending opportunities would not have come my way. but i was the wrong gender. and the wrong energy/
it is like people felt compelled to clip my wings than let me fly
i realize this can be such an amazing game to play cause more stations in life comes to me...like being selected to be the representative of my field, agricultural economics, at capitol hill in like 1998 or so, a first time post, first time created entity. and it was an advisor who killed that for me. out of a national search, I was called.
you think my story lightweight, it aint.
i dont even get to revel in the highpoints i hit, cause i was never allowed for it to take off. just a series of heights.
anyway.
maybe one day i will get the answers
reminds me of yesterday or last night, i wanted to tell my mother, if when she dies, she gains insights and powers to know, see and understand things, please find a way to convey the revelations and instructions to me, but felt it would not go over to well. and it is like telling someone of light they do not yet perceive, as they are used to candle...and you know when you carry a candle its light flickers and diffuses, as well as lose effect and magnitude.
i gone.
i wake up this morning knowing something I never before recognized, said to myself or even came close to surmising:
that given the things I did and the places I been, and the stages and activity I accomplished, had i been male, I would probably have been a big global professional at this point.
yesterday was my friend's sixty two birthday, and owing to the brilliant smart friends I have, our limes are stimulating. effortlessly turn so. he lives next door to a footballer. we were across the grounds from the savannah where the football club plays every sunday afternoon into evening, which most times turns into a serious lime> pot always bubbling, or food catered in and one of the members is a bar owner.
so i thought it would be natural for him to play and waiting for him to tell me he is too old to tell him at least half the men are at his age group. but he opens to tell me he did play football in secondary school and at form 5 he was to make a goal, but instead, his sneaker flipped off and into straight up int eh sky and the ball when awry. no goal. and in front of some big regional game. he said the embarrassment he never got over and said he never wanted to see a football after that.
I was struck by that story. cause it immediately made me think, he needed to have gotten over the hump. to keep playing. keep doing whatever it is you do when you tanked or floored. you never stop there. is what i knew and my natural inclination. but it got more curious. i started to ask myself what embarrassing moment have i had in life, or a litany of them, and i could not think of a one. I ran track and never tanked . i rigored once in a first time 400 metres but I still finished, and i am not sure now anyone outside my team and coach knew that i was struggling, or maybe the thought i was lame but i never knew it. I was in a school play, the wizard of oz, playing the witch and nothing untoward happened. I think the only embarrassing things that could be said all happened in trinidad, but i was not embarrassed. which is the thing: it made me wonder have i no embarrassment bone?
so after our friend tells us his story, he asks us...and then my next friend talks of being on a date, at a restaurant, and having no money and how he snuck out to go and come back. and i was amused. that has happened to me so many times because I have always gone to restaurants as normal activity. and either the card wont work, or you forgot to load up on cash, or you took the wrong bag, etc. whatever. I calmly go to the owner operator and explain, give contacts. tell them i will return and everything is alright in the world. you know between the united states, and trinidad, for fifteen years. you know the first time there was ever such a problem with such was in trinidad. at the hilton. where they being so grimy, had a serious problem with that incident. to the point where the head of security, an indian guy told and admitted to me the way it was handled was completely wrong and unnecessary. related too is an incident at hyatt, where because I worked in the towers I was there regularly and knew much of the ground staff. never had a problem from 2011...until this year. so it is interesting, i can state unequivocally among the most international of establishments here in trinidad, a growing gross and heaviness with how they handled this particular problem. . i actually forgot to mention this last night. did not even think of it really...
but the reason for this post is that the questions continued. b asked, "what was a time where you felt like a star?" and his was going over for the grenadian revolution to drum for some event and upon returning to trinidad how his host came to pick him up in some fancy procession and vehicle as if he was a head of state and that the police army defense ran in front the vehicle clearing the road for the car on the way to the airport. I was twittered .
then my other friend spoke of how he was at cannes. liming with a crew. there was some big algerian fashion show, he was invited but wasnt going. somebody mentioned it, so the crew went., but get to the door and it is ram crammed with people trying to get in, so he decides not to proceed, and begins leaving. only to hear some big commotion and calling from the top of the line, making wild hand calls for him to return, clapping to get his attention, he refuses, they get more insistent and wild....so he gets to the front of the line and says in french :" the artist must be at the show" and proceeds to sit him and his crew at the front line of the walk.
i felt impressed, not by them but for me to have friends of such illustrious major events and celebrations!
anyway, when they came to me to answer, I shared with them how i refused to let tuskegee refuse me for graduate school. and explained that i pledged a sorority after my first semester at college, where i did great my first term, off to a great start. but instead of continuing growing up i became something of a party girl and if not that, a laggard. i did the base amount of work, no effort, just enough not to fail which was nothing at all. and had the nerve after i graduated to try and go into vet and graduate school. the gall of some people. but it was funny, i felt as though graduate school was a way to transcend dead end jobs and then i was not even doing that badly, I was a program coordinator of boys and girls club delaware. at twenty two?! I Now realize my life has probably suffered too because I was never satisfied. always hungry. always wanted more. always pursued what was more grand. first time for this revelation too. makes my perception more confirmation...that is the energy , vibration, and intention of men...to want more, to keep striving, to go to the next level. never satisfied. well because of my poor grades of 2.3 cum, tuskegee was not having me. and i did something then that i know I dont have energy, interest or ability to do anymore: i begged, I was relentless. I was unretiring. I never gave up. I called those people nonstop, all offices I could find. mind you I was in delaware. the school was in alabama. that happened until they gave me a provisional. I was on probation. I ended up working my ass off, getting a working scholarship and graduated with a 4.0.
when i told my friends this story last night they made fun and said, their stories are not nearly as grand and impressive. it is what made me recognize this morning, that had i done the same things as a male, there is no way more recognition, returns and accolades as well as never ending opportunities would not have come my way. but i was the wrong gender. and the wrong energy/
it is like people felt compelled to clip my wings than let me fly
i realize this can be such an amazing game to play cause more stations in life comes to me...like being selected to be the representative of my field, agricultural economics, at capitol hill in like 1998 or so, a first time post, first time created entity. and it was an advisor who killed that for me. out of a national search, I was called.
you think my story lightweight, it aint.
i dont even get to revel in the highpoints i hit, cause i was never allowed for it to take off. just a series of heights.
anyway.
maybe one day i will get the answers
reminds me of yesterday or last night, i wanted to tell my mother, if when she dies, she gains insights and powers to know, see and understand things, please find a way to convey the revelations and instructions to me, but felt it would not go over to well. and it is like telling someone of light they do not yet perceive, as they are used to candle...and you know when you carry a candle its light flickers and diffuses, as well as lose effect and magnitude.
i gone.
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