i wonder if they think it is narcissism when i write about food, drinks, conversations odd and interesting if not shocking, or my sleep...it is all the simple things in life. that is all i have. it is my celebration of being so blessed: a great appetite, wonderful sleep, a body that works great,. i have no extras. i have no luxuries. but on the bottom and at the simple, i am wealthy beyond measure. and apart from that, walking the road, people think i am rich, which really amuses me but i no longer spend time trying to process it. i hear it is because it is obviously clear that i take care of my self, and well. and that i am 'civilized'. yes. someone actually told me that recently. i gather the educated part plays a role. but i woke up amazed at the sleep i had last night. ten hours, one break and not a long intervening time in between to return to sleep.
i wake up thanking smee kevon. i feel his end is also the end of my tia experience. it is time to shut that down. i wonder if i am right and accurate. even if i go back out there, it wont be as before. it will be in the pick up, and even as I vow to stop, avert and rewrite how i socialize, i still insist on the pickup as the ultimate trini liming vegetable (lol) vehicle. A ready gallery, patio, restaurant and bar..
right before i went to sleep i discovered my family reunion had a boat ride and because i have not participated in the page, nor do i keep up, and no one even who i live with mentioned it to me, not even asking if i was attending or that they were..i saw all the pictures. and it cemented something for me. i realize it was a reality not for me to be there. the $150 tag i would have kept the money for otherwise, and to show to have that money in front my mother, it would have opened up dynamics, so it is like it could not be avoided. but it is the family treachery that just amuses me.
when one ponders where and how i started out from and where and how things are today, they would surely be surprised and shocked. from the golden first grandgirl child, preferred and privileged...to being outside, withdrawn...and it was all me. but suffering for employment and having members creating obstacles for me to get work when outside people offer, and to refuse me access to land and empty buildings to refurbish and build up into business and income generation when i asked to build an elegant three level highrise in the back yard, amidst the mango trees canopies, to rent. i could not contend at that point. I cant do that. my bad. my error. my limitations. but that level of dissonance, lack of support under an extreme of life conditions and no one is budging. fine. time for me to move. them is not my people. but i am lucky and blessed enough that my shelter has been maintained. barely at times. on the brink many more, and if it were for marjorie, would be non existent.
so i wake perusing all these seemingly unrelated factors knowing it is time for a shift to happen today. i give thanks for the simple things that got me to today
i wake up thanking smee kevon. i feel his end is also the end of my tia experience. it is time to shut that down. i wonder if i am right and accurate. even if i go back out there, it wont be as before. it will be in the pick up, and even as I vow to stop, avert and rewrite how i socialize, i still insist on the pickup as the ultimate trini liming vegetable (lol) vehicle. A ready gallery, patio, restaurant and bar..
right before i went to sleep i discovered my family reunion had a boat ride and because i have not participated in the page, nor do i keep up, and no one even who i live with mentioned it to me, not even asking if i was attending or that they were..i saw all the pictures. and it cemented something for me. i realize it was a reality not for me to be there. the $150 tag i would have kept the money for otherwise, and to show to have that money in front my mother, it would have opened up dynamics, so it is like it could not be avoided. but it is the family treachery that just amuses me.
when one ponders where and how i started out from and where and how things are today, they would surely be surprised and shocked. from the golden first grandgirl child, preferred and privileged...to being outside, withdrawn...and it was all me. but suffering for employment and having members creating obstacles for me to get work when outside people offer, and to refuse me access to land and empty buildings to refurbish and build up into business and income generation when i asked to build an elegant three level highrise in the back yard, amidst the mango trees canopies, to rent. i could not contend at that point. I cant do that. my bad. my error. my limitations. but that level of dissonance, lack of support under an extreme of life conditions and no one is budging. fine. time for me to move. them is not my people. but i am lucky and blessed enough that my shelter has been maintained. barely at times. on the brink many more, and if it were for marjorie, would be non existent.
so i wake perusing all these seemingly unrelated factors knowing it is time for a shift to happen today. i give thanks for the simple things that got me to today
No comments:
Post a Comment