"Why do we hate this place so?"
Peter OConnor/
and that reminds me of a question my cousin asked of his aunt and me last night at three o'clock in the morning...coming home from pan, about the energy of a place, and does it in fact affect what is experienced there..like pan in laventille on the streets, why do people say it is so different and better best than pan on the avenue
my cousin answered about three levels up from the core of the truth of the answer, when it was all just foundation, and focused on spiritual orisa stuff. but it was plain and simple the energy of the land, the hill, its life, and story beyond, before and apart from any of its inhabitants. and what all that gave birth to and since. that folk would experience even when and if they do not know and cant language, name it.
12:12
is the time post meridian when i take up my phone to view our threesome last night. i had such an interesting day into evening last night. i had epiphanies and revelations, heard deep abiding lessons from the sharings of others. got sad. had fun. came home way too late. wake up cool, with lines writing in my head, cute comments about how being smart is a curse and being educated just trolls life, and how i wanted to write a book about detoxing a life, and start a new journal. i realize to an extent how much I have let life affect who i am, change me, i realize how much trauma I dont process and just pack away so i can continue sailing. living and moving on. I guess that is the strong resilient way/ and i see how far i have strayed from my pod in behavior and utterances. it is like i have some form of turrets. i feel ashamed in their presence, but as everything else, it is complex, cause i hear how i also defy their imputing characterization on who and how my life made me that they have no knowledge nor tools to comprehend, let alone process in any compassionate way, so I get back to square one, gtfoh, at precisely the block i wish to move away from. the speaking and writing of things my folk would never even think of,
but is that true? Cause I wake up this morning and after all those emotional hoops and navel gazing, i realize, I am only beating myself up because I am so different. that i dare not be quiet, that i am so far removed and away from the culture/ and perer's line about us not 'fighting for our independence" there is that issue again..about energy. what energy is given to this place and its people if they never had to fight not even for independence, then encounter a fighter warrior like me. and hear my cousin say, "daddy taught us that how we did not have to fight for everything, anything' that everything is not a battle, and how she downplays conflict" it was deep. all at once I heard both the wisdom and the madness in that approach and way of being/ I recognized it as all too slave, statish and colonial. subjugating and self erasing.
i wake up realizing aint nothing wrong with me , maybe, i am not as twisted, neurotic or damaged as I think. I dont have a life to detox and reconstruct. I just dare to be, and the current MM would write fucking in the midst somewhere, even when she says she has no interest to be nice, it just sometimes jars people for no reason...so who do i want to be with? folk who do or folk who dont? they both doing the same nastiness behind closed doors and in secret, but one pretends. and what is all this about language, i find it such a fuckery, a fraud, pretend to be decent cause you dont curse, but all the while you do other vile and ugly things? how does that work, where? beyond planet earth
i recognize that about me. i have no secrets. what you see is what you get. and folk are recoiling against that level of bold exposure.
then they are aghast at my dare to call folk out, and make a record of their deeds, and publicize their ugly. It is okay for them to do as they wish but for me to mirror and promote their PR and brand, fuck them up by their own hand, I become the problematic, how does that work? from what book and manual that tenet? the same slave colonial take what you get and suffer silently procedure?
i need to give myself a break. I need to have these folk back up off from me. and I need to elevate to a different vibration. and create a different life too. I readily admit, my coping mechanism of the last three years have coarsened me past where i would prefer
i pondered it all day and thought how lovely it would be not to engage my many haters, how not to smash my one enemy and archnemesis the turd. i literally think of ways to take her out and believe you me, it would be a national, community, global good deed. I swear. too many people have too many vile stories about that creature. her own son hates her. and i am the pinnacle of everything she wished she was and had, even the love and adoration, untouched and unrequited by me, of her man, so she hates me so. when you are the pinnacle of the form. there are things only you can do, they sent you to do, but who would see that, especially them who even at sixtyfive are struggling and reaching to find and attain legitimacy and status by academic degrees from community colleges or more appropriate, virtual universities...the places you or anyone you can get can write anything and you get a degree conferred. fraud papers.
life is way too complex to clarify and package.
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