the art belongs to Mirlande Jean-Gilles...and it relates..me building another cosmos and ocean of being becoming...and the becoming in turn building oceans for others to swim in...
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"you have the power to make things happen/believe it or not i saw that from the very first time I saw you"i have heard that once before...a strangeronthetrain - gentleman working at Carib..
working from that centrally i am refashioning a life.
weeks ago perhaps almost months, my niece, the youngest asked me how old i was. again. and i told her eighteen. i was being cheeky but also, she asked me at a time when i was checking my life and circumstance and being real honest as is my default, and i could not find any difference between when i was really eighteen and my life now at ...forty nine...
both times: Living in my parents house. Owning a car, at 18 the one I had then my father/parents bought, but this time, I bought. And i had nothing else. Just dreams .Wrong headed dreams. Planning to run as far away from home and brooklyn and my father which was a grave mistake. Running to some dream to be a doctor, to be independent, to never be subjugated to a man as I saw my mother, vowing not to be married as I never saw a model that made me want that for myself and life or made me think I would be any better for it.. and I was. Poised to accomplish all of that. I started a journey, within months. within that year. So I am in the same spot now as back then. Full of the promise and potential > Clearer on dreams, intentions and purposed. Wizened by years of polishing, trauma and reflecting...and knowing that the results will be that much brighter, prosperous, entrenched and long lasting. Like my godsister just told me, I got lots of Prayer Warriors about me. And good folk who look upon me and remind me ""i could do anything/make things happen" i know i can. I have just done it for others, havent seen me do much of that for myself. But that is a big shift and change from the first eighteen. And then this time too...I dont expect to make the human mistakes, project the hurt and trauma to others that I did...I get a chance to replay and relay another karma. :) at an elevated altar.
anyway, i forgot the point of this post...proving that i am not eighteen. despite living as I am...to the extent that weeks ago my mother told me i was rebellious. mind you that is my second mother eh, more dedicated to me than the first...so when i write to you and tell you i am blessed, understand the depth and reach of it..almost untouched/unrivaled
but different from the first eighteen, this eighteen i am going into business, which is what i should have done the first time, my father doing that and all...but he was an education man. i would have been a millionaire by now. but perhaps it was not mine for me to do, at that time, then. we cant go back and for someone such as me who has spent so many of her days looking back that is one thing i aim to change. just keep looking forward. I have sankofaed enough
i am quietly excited.
I am carrying traveling riding risk like a backpack, like my legs walking / that is the path. I had so many amazing gurus this year...my godsister Carlene, Ladean, my oracle and my reader Hayden who is like a counselor therapist. giving me behavioral points to walk. all the painful experiences that I have learned were just teaching me rules and signs that i can impart to others. They keep telling me i am to counsel.
And this eighteen i am to be everything i never was. patient. long suffering, compassionate, humble, without anger, empathic, vulnerable, open...
FREE and of balance!!!
i just need to giggle and follow the urge...to do so.
Laugh more...i thought the other day I am not around funny people as I was when I was younger like Andre and Supe, .the older i have gotten the fewer funny people I encounter. Even myself. my friends from back in the day, some call me funny. I am sure no one would call me funny now. I rarely am, except in my private space, watching movie scenes or reading ...
it remains to be seen if this eighteen i return to brooklyn or new york. i doubt it. when i was writing above I got the clear sense that i am not to run away anymore. not from anything or anyone and not from trinidad.
lets see how long it takes me to remember why and what for I started writing this post...about being eighteen and having the power to make things happen/ the magick to make it rain/reign
------------------ah!
pea pretenders or real money rollers
my goal this time round is security.
the first time I did not even have a mission other than acquiring labels and conditions: like doctor, independent, paying no mind to anything else really
but now, security.
money in the bank . liquidity. never to ask how it is, where it is, but here/
self sufficiency. to have public resources (banks, accounts and line of credits, sure; but cash money in draws, accessible and inured from the vagaries of economies, federal banks and criminal public figures and exchangers
and if i have to go ask and talk to anybody for a 1K US, I know i need to shut the fk up and stop perpetrating.
i wasnt a pretender the first time around. I wont be this time neither.
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