i just had an epiphany!!!
reading this article (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/your-soulmate-isnt-who-you-think-it-is/) and hearing people eat at the dining table
....I am strong, self -sufficient, self-filled, content with myself, not hating others, not resentful of others (well I wasnt before), I was just open heart and hand embracing of all...and I projected that on to everybody. onto all the broken shards of people i have met, came to live with, relatives, father, aunts, mother. chase, men i meet, women i encounter, males i try to love. every last one of them
so that is why i missed that they werent whole. missed that they did not mean me love and well. missed that they were not for me as I was for them. missed that their only intent was for me to prop them up, not give to me as i wanted to them..and thus got used for my generosity. i missed all of that. i missed them deriding and making fun of me,, my ambition, my dreams, the way i talk (my little cousin told me how her mother, my aunt in law and her sister make fun of me -- a little girl of five....i was struck at her affinity to me to betray them and tell me that story.. i only surmised that she saw how pure hearted i am and felt and knew betrayal when she saw it. but that was a phenomenal story to me- Kayla)
but this just hit me. I been projecting myself. and no i am not perfect but somehow all that bottom human stuff, never found its space within me. it is why to this day women call and see me, intimidated by what they define as a seductress, for i embrace all. wow
i am just saying. those I perceived as grown and strong were just the opposite. an only today did it hit me to the extent, depth and magnitude.. and chase did tell me that he had no idea how sensitive he was but through our relationship. it may be what i want but i dont think i am made for such: relationships. i think people are still not fully formed. to have it like I deem it, like how my character determines it. one whole looking for another , to combine and collaborate and build. i think mostly relationships and definitely for in this struggling place are for props, cradles, and crutches. one disability serving the other, masquing. this is so deep to me
i am a creature out of time and place and without cohorts... i already traveled through these tunnels and made it to the other side. I am back now trying to live and commingle with those still in a prism, imprisoned. while me free. how does that work
i think it is why so much of my life is frustrated. my vibration is upper level..so i keep giving my gifts and they return to me destroyed..from money, to vehicle, to heart, to mind, to talents to gifts. amazing
but why did they think to send me back, but to teach and show a way, hence hayden telling me my purpose is to bring balance, compassion and strength; and the australian indian told me to be the mother of pentacles and swords; to be mature under and against the onslaught of attack and persecution
it is why lystra sees me as the most unneedy person she has met in a long time and why my circle is confused as to how i live so high on nothing and resenting me for doing so, and those taking care of an angel unknown in their midst feel as if they are being taken advantage of, because they are still of the lower realm, it is like I am living the heaven here, in total opposition to the slave mentality and corporate plantation and so all how they try to deny me
by keeping my gratuity, by denying me work, by strangling my spirit and blocking all my projects , visions and attempts to further actualizations.. hmmmm
is this truth or a crazy person pulling a weave?
why did the light flash behind my eyes, my eyes dilate, pull wide and focus- like a flash?
this is it. it is why too the recent reductions gave space for things to come to the fore..the quiet. the delay, the lag, did i not say today feels like it is in slow motion? i have just been sitting here praying, thinking, questioning, seeking...
fascinating
now what am i to do with this?
continue to try and escape like i was
continue to seek vengeance as I am
or sit still and wait them out
for them to either die, be removed, or turn away from their crossed perspectives?
it would surely seem the latter
i wrote weeks ago and years before that seeking to be in a monastery
i realize I am in one, the conditions are there: spartan conditions, reductions, silence, reduction of noise,,,for what? for whom? to emerge and come forth?
things are happening just not how i envisioned them
but gosh I still wish to be saved, safe and removed from all of this
kit is too much, and i am not the mythical jesus
someone in my neighborhood was reportedly killed this week. he is dead. but they say it was an accident. but one man who knew the elder for his life believes he was killed. for a house. the dead mean was his mother 's favored child, still at 60 or so on a monthly allowance living in a house, though he appeared on the street as a bum, rolling with dogs..etc..always with plants and flowers on his wrists, hand or shirt pocket..,..and the man said but there is a god. and I silently said, no there isnt
folk so think .
we have been sold a hefty bag of goods
there is no one coming to save your ass
your life is of your making or not
you allow what you let pass or not
tell me where and when and how all the money stolen from the country and treasury finding its way back ? never
but then the question remains, but who send me, and from whom do i come>
a blind seer man in loveuntil told me I was at god's helm, to never give offering or shed blood-- the moment i do so I will kill my standing, my belonging, my source, my association. he was a kaballist. he told me i was the mother of the stars. he is the one who told me five morrocoy that i have not been able to get only because I havent my own place to keep them
bizarre all the way round: parts that fit and those that dont, the pieces that are in direct opposition/ and all the while i think the things that refuse to happen is not because i am not with my powers, but because they are in direct and didactic opposition to what i was made and sent to do. no one knows and sees and even i get confused and frustrated being in the maze the matrix, its permutations and creatures cretins made
unbelievable
salmons dont have nothing on me
and why cant i just find another one?
why? in all my years through all my travels, why not another sojourner--
reminds me of the poem I wrote in 1993: Pursuit/
{nobody knows the trouble i have been, seen, nobody knows my sorrows}
3:17pm 20 Sept 2014
Pursuit
What season is this that I travel through
where paths are absent and evidence of
my friend’s knowledge nascent?
Fellow travelers ne’er do I see
nor wanderers lost on their way,
but a few who feign what really they seek.
My Guide: An inner beat of light and strength:
For to know of self has no rest.
The Path: One of solitude and thought, perseverance and determination.
For everywhere are vultures of mediocrity,
And the measures of a base life.
But for me, my GodSelf guides, through darkness, thickets, weeds and strife.
To light: Upwards, onwards and inwards, where God bathes us the few in grace,
love and spiritual food. To this I strive, this and intent.
Not to exist merely, but rendering a chance for God to touch my head.
But neither does my life end there.
For everyday is a testament to the freedom of my people.
My convictions must be obvious by the way I walk, the way I talk,
the way I look at them with eyes bright,
And the way I do them with a steady mind.
For not yet have I been afforded a life of free existence,
but have been handed down the legacy of struggle.
In all its definitions.
To make a contribution to peace, justice, acceptance,
independence, equality, restitution and respect.
My knowledge, privilege, and blessings are all owed to them.
Always has been....
Always will be...
Until the end.
Melise D. Huggins (10/30/93)
No comments:
Post a Comment