5:14am
If this graphic were true, so many people would not be lost and bereft of jobs, careers, opportunities and livelihoods around the globe. Jobs do pick up and leave, abandon you and show you there is no longer any love. There never was. So without men and work, what is there?
Sleeping quite contentedly with my full stomach of a second meal at what seemed at twelve midnight...i started to think of all the things and areas in life I need to work on. the changes, improvements, transformations, the areas, regarding persons and situations. I have lost control, maybe never had it, over quite a few things. I no longer have the discipline I think I showed all my life..but I am realizing...i think we show characteristic traits not because they are really us or own them but that they are required, kind of like the armor we need to accomplish what ever is driving us to a goal, mission or deed...for me it was the fire of resistance, the furnace to show and prove to my father who i was and would refuse to be given my knowledge, exposure and experiences with him. As a result it has delivered me to a place...the here and now and myriad conditions that themselves were life rafts in the journeying but having arrived you look around, at yourself, what you have derived and realize...yeah but. You are grateful in an indignant kind of way and if the against toward you is particularly strong you hold on and dig in that much harder, further, deeper, unwilling to give up on the very means by which you are still standing...
I have been in that place for a long time. I relished my surviving cause I can see around me it was so, well, maybe not rare, but not as sterling. I look at how my surviving elevated me up not just idling , dwindling or falling..but i did things that set me apart. Therein also a problem...when your solutions themselves become problems you know you are in a pickle.
Anyway, I just stumbled upon this revelation:
"Being a strong independent woman is not a blessing at all. Just an evolution to a certain genus and specie that is a negative positive or positive negative; i have not discerned the difference to make the distinction or preference. Nothing to brag or proclaim but everything to work through, deconstruct, contend, unpack, resolve and realign. For to do anything less leaves you locked in a bind and vice that is stultifying at best, deadening in process. To stay that way keeps you /us / me locked off and away from what we came to this plane and place to experience.
The persecution, cost and price alone of being competent, visionary, not weak, which is a different catalog than being strong, skilled and resilient against the unrelenting violence that is life to my line, kind and specie-- the dark black female-- who insists on attaining womanhood and the grand helm of wombmyn -- is nothing short of a psychological reality, sickness, warfare that we are not meant to win. So surviving then, yields you what? Not much more than a whole endless source of frustration. I write and I see the derivative calculus, the algebraic formulas, the geometric proof, Surviving it with some dignity, then is not winning. Surviving is just a coping and a management that as many other forms of coping and management, in the biological organic world == and many other human contexts --is Damaging.
Being a strong confident competent independent woman and Black woman in particular, is just another lifestyle chronic disease and dynamic in the community, on the earth, in the population and throughout the diaspora."
I wish i was in the academy, had students and a fund to explore, research and write on this.
God Morning/ 5:31am
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