Tuesday January 15, 2013
Day 350 Disappointment
Blogging is very revealing. As is writing for a public, but it is sans editing and cleansing..
In any regards, I am writing today of disappointments and deep disappointment that surprises even me as to my response and drop/ I think it is because it is my first disappointment this year 2013, so yeah, that legitimizes the magnitude of the emotional response and my wanting to document it here.
I think too, in my depth of delusions, I did not think it possible. Absurd as it is to write that. But having the veil fall, the disappointment is just magnified. For i realize all the things I was trying to be whole hearted about, in denial, in the hopes that this time, these people, this alignment, it was high time...
But the disappointment showed how much i am dealing with the wrong people, the small people, the pissant, living on the edge and fringe and real small people. The people who are used to not showing up, not calling, just leaving folk hanging. Selling wolf tickets.
The disappointment made me realize i am trying to fly jets with people with no vehicles.
The disappointment came because you can call folk and say, I have this idea, I see you fitting in this space and they feeling they have so much limitless time and opportunity and i suspect arrogance that they can call you when they feel like it, when it is convenient for them, when they feel to make time.
Disappointment cause i realize trinis like to hear themselves talk and talk shit. I have no idea what that does for their existence. But folk will call you to talk. And today I had to say, unless someone calling with provisions, answers, solutions and offerings, I have no conversation. Just so. Just that. It is like that.
So i was in the dumps, And though i had moment of reviving, I feel today I do just need a good cry, to purge and let it all ride.
My emotional response tot he disappointment today was in recognition that I am in the same space that I supposedly moved on from and away year ago; years ago? I keep wanting to do things dependent on other people, dependent on other's participation, other's buyin, other's activities, other's stuff and space.
Disappointment to realize that probably, there is no salvation, escape and release from this dynamic. I was hurt to realize that perhaps, maybe yes, the EROS stars are in alignment for February 10, 2013, but it may not be the alignment from and on which I move forward unimpeded to success in any endeavor.
I felt the disappointment today for all the reasons I kept other and smaller and different disappointments at bay all the days that have passed these fourteen: Like not having any friends who call me; or check me to got to fete, events, dinner, and fun. The reality that shocks you but it is not really a shock it is the reality of life you structure dissonance about...It goes on and on.
So a cousin, who never goes anywhere, doesnt go to fetes when I tell her we have never gone to one together, my ace supposedly, always seems to call me when she is out hanging out with someone else Does she realize the sickness that she is portraying> probably not. but she text me from a fete this past Sunday...and i responded: "the fetes you dont go to" but it is like she is showing or proving to me that she can do what I do? why else does one do that? who has time for that? when I am out and about and i am always out and about by myself, I dont have time to call anyone and wave hi...
it is the endless twistedness of people here I just cant get the hang of. And yet still, I keep trying to navigate and negotiate this space. Thinking a new year and alignment would be different
Jokes on me, thus far. Today. Same ole Same old. We shall see what different stories are written for the coming times.
It made me today just think i ought to do one thing and one thing only. and that is to enjoy the moments of spontaneous joyment that comes my way and leave it at that. Not even to make anything bigger from those incidents. For that too seems futile.
In another universe, in a sanitized safe world, I would just be a courtesan concubine. And even that is impossible for me it seems
Day 350 Disappointment
Blogging is very revealing. As is writing for a public, but it is sans editing and cleansing..
In any regards, I am writing today of disappointments and deep disappointment that surprises even me as to my response and drop/ I think it is because it is my first disappointment this year 2013, so yeah, that legitimizes the magnitude of the emotional response and my wanting to document it here.
I think too, in my depth of delusions, I did not think it possible. Absurd as it is to write that. But having the veil fall, the disappointment is just magnified. For i realize all the things I was trying to be whole hearted about, in denial, in the hopes that this time, these people, this alignment, it was high time...
But the disappointment showed how much i am dealing with the wrong people, the small people, the pissant, living on the edge and fringe and real small people. The people who are used to not showing up, not calling, just leaving folk hanging. Selling wolf tickets.
The disappointment made me realize i am trying to fly jets with people with no vehicles.
The disappointment came because you can call folk and say, I have this idea, I see you fitting in this space and they feeling they have so much limitless time and opportunity and i suspect arrogance that they can call you when they feel like it, when it is convenient for them, when they feel to make time.
Disappointment cause i realize trinis like to hear themselves talk and talk shit. I have no idea what that does for their existence. But folk will call you to talk. And today I had to say, unless someone calling with provisions, answers, solutions and offerings, I have no conversation. Just so. Just that. It is like that.
So i was in the dumps, And though i had moment of reviving, I feel today I do just need a good cry, to purge and let it all ride.
My emotional response tot he disappointment today was in recognition that I am in the same space that I supposedly moved on from and away year ago; years ago? I keep wanting to do things dependent on other people, dependent on other's participation, other's buyin, other's activities, other's stuff and space.
Disappointment to realize that probably, there is no salvation, escape and release from this dynamic. I was hurt to realize that perhaps, maybe yes, the EROS stars are in alignment for February 10, 2013, but it may not be the alignment from and on which I move forward unimpeded to success in any endeavor.
I felt the disappointment today for all the reasons I kept other and smaller and different disappointments at bay all the days that have passed these fourteen: Like not having any friends who call me; or check me to got to fete, events, dinner, and fun. The reality that shocks you but it is not really a shock it is the reality of life you structure dissonance about...It goes on and on.
So a cousin, who never goes anywhere, doesnt go to fetes when I tell her we have never gone to one together, my ace supposedly, always seems to call me when she is out hanging out with someone else Does she realize the sickness that she is portraying> probably not. but she text me from a fete this past Sunday...and i responded: "the fetes you dont go to" but it is like she is showing or proving to me that she can do what I do? why else does one do that? who has time for that? when I am out and about and i am always out and about by myself, I dont have time to call anyone and wave hi...
it is the endless twistedness of people here I just cant get the hang of. And yet still, I keep trying to navigate and negotiate this space. Thinking a new year and alignment would be different
Jokes on me, thus far. Today. Same ole Same old. We shall see what different stories are written for the coming times.
It made me today just think i ought to do one thing and one thing only. and that is to enjoy the moments of spontaneous joyment that comes my way and leave it at that. Not even to make anything bigger from those incidents. For that too seems futile.
In another universe, in a sanitized safe world, I would just be a courtesan concubine. And even that is impossible for me it seems
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