Measuring the Blur: PhDs, Pyramids and Professional Life Murders

 

MA:
Mels I thought u were an independent woman. So ntshangase can buy u ticket at the drop of a hat. Wow.

 ME:

independence was the dream that i had that crashed. i do not own my own home. I do not work. my life is the pits. when you get down to nothing it is okay to ask. something i never did before. never had to> plus he said he is now starting over in life . restarting his brand after a fight with his partner. so it seems everybody is not doing as good as their picture looks

independence is a fairytale, one of those fairytales you talked about the other day. it bullied, beat me up, raped and jailed me.. it was just a phantom of many i realize the whole world is living

plus too...i realize i have bigger concerns than phantoms and old ideas like independence...i dont even have friends that can give me jobs I qualify or overqualify for. that is a bigger problem to me

But life is teaching me to accept all. So i accept all of it. the loss of who i was and who i was trying to be. selah sister

MA:

I just read your previous message. The thing about jobs is you gotta start somewhere I started with the worst one and worked my way to this one. I am trying to get my own thing going but right now it's not making enough money for me to go out on my own and so I am trapped

I have forwarded your cv let's see what happens.

ME:

thank you Believe me i have tried 

everything..even serving food for $200TT per day. that is like $31US per day!! i just applied to be the exec secretary to some big syrians here. steups. i have tried. It is frustrating

know that you are not yet trapped. trust me. I am. everything is a continuum and a scale.

i have learned so much of what not to do, but live in a place that i cant figure out what to do...

MA:

Why don't you go back to USA

At least there they understand your credentials

ME:

still need a job for that hun. and that has not happened. I did not apply to jobs just in trinidad you know. I have applied all over. even to people i went to school with. it has been wild

MA:

Omg.

ME:

yup. i wish i could list or kept a record of all the jobs I applied to. and it does exist. in my gmail, whereever they store all that history

MA:

It's almost like you are black listed.

ME:

essentially yes. do you know sandra batie stopped me from getting a job on capitol hill to represent ag economics as an industry and field. the people wanted to hire me. i had passed everything and they insisted on speaking to my advisor. but what happened is she silently seethed that I had switched departments to resource economics..and if you see the letter she wrote them. I still have it somewhere. she basically told them i was black (went to tuskegee) and that I am interested in areas other than ag economics. it was treacherous and it was the secretary who clued me in. she said in all her years there she never saw a reference letter so written.

I dont know what curse i am living or for what reason, but my experiences have been and are a trip. and as far as I can tell, my downfall started there, with her. i never understood the magnitude, else i probably would have killed her. I told the VP of operations about it - Fred Poston.
He was incredulous. But I vowed not to keep it quiet.

it is a long conversation. I know things now i did not know before. i touted and transgressed all their rules and that was part of their problem with me. even graduating since they surely intended not to let me get through.

Cheryl Daniel congratulated me and i never forgot that. she said i strategized against their plan to fail me. as that was something she was not able to do

amazing stories

MA:

Who is Cheryl Daniel? Remind me. They almost did what they did to you to me. I totally understand.

ME:

i am surprised. i thought you would think me crazy. Cheryl Daniel was the bigger of the two black american women who passed through the department by the time we were there. the other one was kim aldridge .

 Cheryl has amazing stories of her life and professionalism that never reached its potential.

 they kill us black women professionals in a myriad ways but none of us are able to save or protect each other

only when you just wrote what you did about being blacklisted....i never thought of the total magnitude, finality and completion about what that woman did to me. If i could i would not be removed from travelling to kill her. serious dream projection

MA:

We are threat.

The truth is they don't want black women Ag economists from the third world coz we just shut them down.

Especially if you question them

ME:

and i did that from day one. Questioned the Philosophy when in fact I was supposed to be its proponent and cookie cutter 

 i read and write that and think that is the recipe for madness. why would i enter their preserve to bring it down? but...

,...Ma'At.

MA:
I know

Your place is right here in the motherland. You will be celebrated for speaking your mind. But no one acts on it. They just love to hate.

ME:
amazing discussion. you revive my soul. you know Masego, no one knows what happened to me, and everybody thinks it is my fault, blame me and that i am a horrible person which is why this is happening. so this saves me. at least one person in the globe knows the truth

you are my second blessing for the day. about a half an hour ago i got a call of a planned offer of employment . to be an admin for a racing association here that has a huge competition coming up. we shall see. making a mere $5K a month. Ma! that is about $800US!

that is what my life has come to...gratitude for the nothing my youth and life investment in doctoral academics